Well, today I am officially and legally divorced. About ten months ago the mother of my boys said as she walked out the door in the morning. "I am going through with the divorce." First I had heard of it, and after the shock thought that it was going to be an interesting evening -- talking about how this all was going to happen, etc.

However, at work that same day I was served the divorce papers -- so much for talking it over. She thought she had the paperwork to have me kicked out of the house that same day, but that was not the case, and I slept on the floor for almost two months until I found a place where the boys and I could live, near their school, big enough for me and three teenagers, and affordable (a second bathroom would be nice). I had to get the court to have the ex pay family support so that I could actually have enough income on record to rent a place.

As with life, there are no simple reasons or answers. Both parties are to blame. A lack of communication, a lack of love, a gender-role reversal, and of course money all come into play. I did not appreciate how she went about it all. She had been secretly planning the divorce for months (she said she had wanted to have one last Christmas before filing).

For the past 19 years I have worked half-time (with full benefits) for the university and worked full time as an artist(photo). Before the boys were born I was starting to get good shows, sell work, etc. I was making enough to cover the mortgage, utilities and had great health coverage thru my job. She is a fulltime nurse.

When the boys were born, I continued working halftime and was a full time SAHD. Probably saved us $50k to $90K in childcare costs and got to raise our kids instead of a childcare provider. My photography got put on the back burner -- but doing enough to keep my name out there. Once the boys got a little older, I could spend more time on my photography and I have started to give workshops and sell work again.

But the ex saw it differently, and once the boys were old enough not to need someone there when they got home from school, I guess she just did not need me anymore.

Fortunately, both of us can agree on how to work all this to minimize the effect on the boys. Custody is a week with me and then a week with her, etc. The boys are handling it okay. It is difficult, but necessary, to refrain from putting the kids between us.

So -- finacially things are going to be a little tighter. This week on/week off with the boys actually allows me to do more of my photo work on the off-weeks and I am slowly build up more income from that. And I can be creative in earning a little more money here and there. I am getting both child and spousal support until the boys are out of high school. The ex gets the house. My main object was to be able to provide a good safe home for the boys, and to have a fair settlement -- I think her object was to keep as much money and property as possible, and to force me to find a "real" fulltime job (she was rather fixated on that).

The whole process has been "interesting" -- from that first couple of weeks of total stress and uncertainty, to finally getting a lawyer and getting a grip on the process, to getting use to the whole idea, and then the last (sort of) of the legal stuff this morning in court.

I found out a few things about my ex that I did not realize -- how she can hold a grudge and how sneaky and mean she can be if she feels she is in the right (which is all of the time -- it has been an interesting marriage). I won't say she lied, perhaps "misrepresenting the truth" would sound nicer.

So after almost 24 years of marriage, I am a single guy again. Yahoo...

Vaughn and the ABC Boys
Alex, Bryce, & Calder
3-31-97 @ 28.5 weeks

Hey Vaughn,

One can imagine that you're probably relieved in some ways that it is over, yet at the same time still wondering what on earth you could have possibly done to deserve all that has happened. You deserve better, that is without doubt.

Hopefully you can spend a lot of quality time with your kids, and I know from personal experience that no matter what one parent may say about the other.... kids always seem to know the truth, especially at the age of your boys.

We send our best, and hope that in the months ahead, something really good comes your way.

Rick

BBG - 2 years and counting

Thanks, Rick for your words and thoughts.

I re-read my post...that Yahoo at the end was a satirical one. A divorce is never fully over, I suppose...one still needs to deal with the on-going reprocussions and all.

But onwards I go!

Vaughn and the ABC Boys
Alex, Bryce, & Calder
3-31-97 @ 28.5 weeks

Yikes!

Hope I never get surprised like that. Looks like you've got the right attitude.

-Paul

Vaughn and the Dads out there:

I have been busy with my five children in the last fifteen months (Triplets turned fifteen months on January 1, Alysa turned five last August and Selina turned three on January 1) that I did not have time to even check out this website. Tonight, I am in the office trying to do some work. But I simply could not focus on the work, so I decided to visit this site and see what every one else is thinking and talking about. I am sorry to hear about your divorce, Vaughn. I am an attorney and family law is part of my practice. I know how nasty divorce cases could be. But at the same time, it must be a relief for you to have the divorce finalized. A new chapter in your life!

I have been having fights with my wife too about almost everything. She stays at home, and my mother is living with us taking care of the children, mostly the triplets on the weekend, in the morning and in the evening.

All my five children are not genetically related to my wife. But having them was our joint decision. But now it feels like she is putting all the financial and family responsibilities on me alone. The triplets and Selina are in day care/preschool. Child care alone is about $4k a month. Our mortgages/property taxes are over $6k a month. I have to make about $20K a month to make even. Besides, I need to drop off the younger four to day care/preschool in the morning and pick up the triplets at 5 PM every day (my wife does not drive well). That substantially cuts down my work hours so that I have to come to work in the evening like tonight. I feel tired a lot of times, but it is such a joy to see the smiles on the faces of the five wonderful children. But I am tired. Is it ok to admit that I am tired? I no longer have time to go to the gym, or have any time for myself. I run from my office to the courts, and then to the day care center. I have been fined twice in the last month for being late to pick up the triplets. Both times, the judges kept us way past five. The first time I swear that they fined me three folds since I was only about 6 or 7 minutes late, and I was fined $20. The second time I was only fined ten dollars for being late for ten minutes. The lady only took ten dollars when I gave her thirty dollars saying that she would not do that to me.

Often I have to comfort myself that my wife is also tired, and I cannot really ask too much from her since they are not genetically related to her. It does help when I do not have much expectation from her.

How did you guy(s) manage to take care of your triplets and other children? Sometimes, I just want to talk to somebody who has lived through it. I consider myself half a therapist to my clients, but when it comes down to myself, it is hard with just self-reflection, criticism and/or self comfort. Any dads want to talk? LOL.

Arthur

Hi Arthur.

First, I need to say something that really kind of struck me in your message. You mentioned a couple times that your five children are not genetically related to your wife. If my wife was mothering five children that I helped to create (genetically) but for reasons beyond her control, she did not..... I could never in my life imagine seeing her anything other than the actual mother in every way, shape, and form, of my children. Hopefully that issue never is brought up in the home, and especially for the children to not hear this as they are growing up. It's one thing for a late teenager or young adult to know their biological makeup, but as they are growing it is so profoundly important that they always feel their mother is nothing less than their mommy, the same as we are as fathers.

Sorry for rambling about that, but it really stood out for some reason.

It's probably difficult for many of us to imagine your situation regarding mortgages/property taxes being over 6000 dollars per month. That is an astronomical amount to me, (and I live on the French Riviera). But it's easy to see how difficult it is for you in the fact that in order to cover the expenses of this and childcare, you need to work more/later hours to make ends meet.

I'm a bit curious about why your triplets need to be at daycare every day until 5 o'clock? The only reason I ask is because you mentioned that your wife is at home, and your mother is also there to help with the triplets. Our trio is almost 21 months and we are getting them involved in a group like this for one and a half days per week..... but that's mostly for my wife to have a bit of time for herself, and also to get caught up on things around the home. If your situation is one in which the triplets need to be picked up at 5 o'clock every day, is there another alternative for them to be picked up either by family or a trusted friend when the need arrises?

I do all the shopping and plenty of stuff around the home when I'm here, but my work doesn't require the time/hours that yours and many other dads in this forum need to perform. (On the same token, you spent more years in college/law school to get to where you are, and that in itself is admirable).

What you said about considering yourself a therapist to your clients, but when it comes to yourself it being difficult with just self-reflection, criticism and/or self comfort, that is so true for many of us. It seems that you are a great dad, and love to spend as much time with your children as you can despite the time limitations you sometimes have.... and that is a compliment to your character and desire to be a positive influence on your five kids. You're likely doing a lot better job than you give yourself credit for.

Hopefully the disputes that seem to occur frequently with your dw can be worked out in whatever manner is most calm and collected whenever they arise.... and that they become less frequent as time goes on. Time goes so quickly, and even in the most difficult moments we can learn and grow and mature as a husband, father, and so on (I need plenty of growth in these areas and hope to become better as time goes on).

Our problems seem really big at the moment, but we rarely have to look far around us to find someone that would gladly take our place. I was in the hospital again last month for back surgery and was thinking how unfair it was to be away from my family again for a week or so, and they brought in a guy (a dad as well), with his legs just amputated earlier in the day. It really brought me out of my self-pity state in a hurry. It made me send a text-message home and thank my dw for loving me in my good moments as well as bad.

Sometimes we don't understand everything, like Vaughn's situation that prompted this very thread/post..... but we know that our kids are gifts to us and no matter what happens, we are always "dad" to them. For you it is multiplied by five, Arthur.... that's something really special.

Best,

Rick

BBG - 2 years and counting

Hello Author -- sorry for chiming in late!

Sort of short of time here (busy at work) and I am taking off for a solo two-week photo trip in the California deserts tomorrow. I'll miss my boys, but not enough so that I won't enjoy the time under the desert sky.

Tired? I think that is normal -- I can remember enjoying red lights because they gave me a little time to close my eyes. I remember reading to the boys and having them poke me because I had fallen asleep mid-sentence.

Getting out and excerising was important to my well-being. Every day, if not twice a day, I would load up the boys in the triplet stroller and take a two-hour walk. The boys slept and I got time to think as I walked. If I took bottles and diapers I could give a feed and diaper change and walk for 4 hours. A decade later I still get people asking if I was that guy walking around town with the big stroller!

Once they were walking, trips to the park, beach or redwoods were almost a daily routine -- much to their mom's displeasure about the amount of housework I did not get to. But I needed it for my sanity, and I feel it really benefited the boys. At 13, the boys still like to go to the beach, etc with me.

I realize that you do not have this luxury, but if you have time on your days off, I highly recommend it! Or perhaps stop off at a park on your way home from daycare now that the days are getting longer (and perhaps warmer, depending on where you live). Run around with the kids, get a little exercise and wear out the kids a little to make it easier for your wife when you get home.

Got to run...maybe I can add more tonight!

Vaughn







Vaughn and the ABC Boys
Alex, Bryce, & Calder
3-31-97 @ 28.5 weeks