Our triplets B,B,B fraternal are 6 years old and currently all in kindergarten.
We have consistently thus far treated each of them as individuals.
We have been dealing with "readiness" in Kindergarten and one
of the boys is not ready for 1st grade.
The boys (plus our older singleton 8 1/2 yo)
go to a private school with an accelerated program
and my spouse works there as a middle school teacher.

It is clear as day to us that two of the triplets are ready for 1st grade come next fall and that the other triplet although bright
and outgoing is still immature and not ready.
He needs another year to mature.
It is clear that he is bright enough for the school but due
to his maturity he is not ready for 1st grade.

He was the smallest at birth and usually hit his milestones last anyway so none of this is of any great surprise.

Do any of you vets out there have any advise as to how to handle the
social aspects of this in the future?

No one can really give us any advise. We are forging ahead with this
decision knowing it is the best for each one as an individual.
If anyone else has experienced this and has any words of wisdom we would greatly appreciate it.

Thank You

Jay, Boca Raton FL

BBB 6yrs B 8 1/2

Hi Jay,
The first thing I would do would be to arrange a parent-teacher conference about this. If you feel your child is bright enough for the school and is also outgoing, it might be detrimental to hold him back. Perhaps the "stigma" of having his triplet siblings in a grade ahead of him could be worse. Ask the teacher's opinion and also if there is a school counselor, ask him/her.

Good luck!

Trio Di Mio
BGG born @ 36 weeks

Hi Jay!

While I don't have first hand experience with this, I hope I can help you. Truly, I applaud your efforts to treat them as individuals. I have many thoughts, so please forgive me if I ramble. My ds is 12 (sixth grade) yikes, and I have 9 1/2 ggg trips in fourth. Two are very identical, and my fraternal looks and acts nothing like them. They have all been in private school since PK3 - and I live in Lighthouse Point. I have done a lot of research on local schools so I am very familiar with private schools (expectations, costs, and realities) in the area. I have always treated mine as individuals - complete with separate activities, classrooms, friends, etc. It is very hard on me - I am divorced and ex has little to do with them - so I run 4 schedules on my own. But I firmly believe it is in their best interests. As committed as I am to treating them as individuals, the rest of society does not, and I can't change it!

I have a friend who was in the same situation you are. One of her three just struggled with everything in K. She ended up putting him in a separate private school in a PreFirst grade situation. They had the academics, low ratio, and they work with the kids to help them adjust. It was tough for her, but avoided the stigma attached to holding a triplet back. She ended up keeping him there through second. They are now back together in third. Not ideal - it is a sacrifice on everyones part - financially & scheduling - but maybe this would give him a chance.

Really, I don't think you can foresee the problems he will encounter by holding him back and sending his brothers ahead. His self esteem is bound to suffer from this, and he probably won't be chanllenged academically. By asking for advise you have already realized you will be making this child struggle. My words of wisdom are to find another way - I am sorry, I am sure you don't like hearing that.

Good luck with your decision!

doreen

I agree with the others..I would exhaust every option I could before seperating them in grades.My son was questionable moving into 1st grade.(questioned by me,not the school) He had not learned to read,didn't have a very good attention span and was struggeling.I thought about it and lost sleep over it..and thought about how he would feel to know he was held back...I couldn't do it.I hired a tutor for him over the summer and really got him up to speed.He still struggled a little bit in the middle of 1st grade..but we just put in some extra work and he is doing great now.
If he can keep up academically then it wouldn't cross my mind to hold him back.
Becky
Realtor in Ohio and Indiana
Emma,Amber,Ian 8/18/99
Olivia 9/29/00
Becky
Realtor in Ohio and Indiana
Emma,Amber,Ian 8/18/99
Olivia 9/29/00

I completely appreciate the fact that you are treating each boy as an individual. As mom to a singleton boy and triplet boys, this is important!

While we haven't faced the retention issue, I highly advise you to speak to the teachers EXTENSIVELY about options. Perhaps your son needs some private tutoring. Also, boys mature very differently from girls and very differently from each other. He may need extra time to mature but will definitely be a match to his brothers in a few years. But by then, the damage to his self-esteem will be permanent.

My boys are a bit older than yours. Are your boys the oldest or youngest in the class? When is the cut-off date for your school district? I have seen the effects of parents holding back "younger" students and it's always been positive. However, it has not been a triplet issue. Can you hold all three back and provide supplemental work to your other two boys?

My boys all have different strengths and weaknesses. I have one boy with a 504 plan due to a vision issue. He's the hardest worker of the 3 but academics don't come as easy. One boy is very smart and is a very social butterfly! And the third is incredibly bright but also very absent-minded. I wouldn't consider separating them by grade level.

In a few years, no one is going to care at what age they learned to read or do double-digit addition. There is a WIDE range of normal in skills in the younger grades. Kids that were early readers were at peer levels in a few years. Some kids need a bit more time. I would hate for your son to "catch up" in a few years but still be behind his brothers. Believe me, the social network in school will figure out the triplet issue and he will be noticed.

Best wishes in your decision-making process.

Sharon
12 year old b/b/b + 15 year old son

I know this has been posted before and the overwhelming response was to not separate by grade if at all possible - that it could be very detrimental to the child "left" behind.

Depending on the maturity issue I've heard that it often levels out by third grade.

It is so critical to treat each child as an individual - however - you cannot deny that they are triplets and that that creates a unique situation and relationship. I would fear the negative impact on your less mature son.

It would be incredibly hard for me to consider separating my boys.

Marie

I agree with everyone else- that it would be a bad idea to separate your boys and hold one back. I think it would be devastating to him and send him the wrong message- that he is not as capable as his siblings- not the message you want him to grow up hearing. One of my boys has had many, many challenges and we don't treat him any differently than his brother and sister and he has grown tremendously from having to face his challenges. His brother and sister have gained empathy and compassion for others with challenges.

I personally think it is way too early to truly know if a child isn't ready to move on to 1st grade- maybe in later grades there might be a clear cut reason- but not now in my opinion. If your kids are 6 then they are not in the younger set of kids in kindergarten. I know it is trendy to hold kids back until they are older to start kindergarten but we did not do that. My kids turned 5 a few days before kindergarten started. My boys did have the benefit of having extensive OT and PT to help them makes strides developmentally (but they needed it too- so you can look at that in two ways).

For what it's worth my kids have attended academically challenging schools (nationally recognized schools) since kindergarten, have been in advanced classes but also needed special ed support for one with some learning disabilities- so he is considered twice exceptional. Has your one that you are considering holding back had any OT or PT evaluations or treatments ? Has he been evaluated for learning disabilities ? I think with support from home and at school very few kids truly need to be held back- regardless of circumstances. I am not without understanding or sympathy for kids especially preemies with challenges.

"No one can really give us any advise. We are forging ahead with this
decision knowing it is the best for each one as an individual.
If anyone else has experienced this and has any words of wisdom we would greatly appreciate it."

So it sounds like you are seeking confirmation that you are making the right choice ? I disagree that this is the right choice for almost any individual child to send them the message that they are not capable of moving on to first grade, regardless of the fact that they are multiples. The multiples issue will absolutely impact his emotional health- period- there is no way of getting around that.

Lorraine

Reach for the heart of God and not just His hands.
Organ donation saves lives!
Life happens when love is given.


http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/bradenwild

I would consider consulting with a child psychologist before making this sort of decision. I would be concerned about your child feeling "less than" his siblings for years to come. I wouldn't worry so much now, but would dread to see how his self esteem will be affected during the teenage years.

Have you thought about looking for another school that might have more resources to deal with educational differences within the same grade?

Lisa
Mom to Aidan, Christian, and Rachel (10.03.01 @ 36wks)

I will have to agree that it probably would not be wise to hold one boy back. It is 7 months until 1st grade, and while I realize that I do not know your boys, I can't imagine any bright 6/7 yr old kid not being "ready" for 1st grade...or at least ready soon into the school year.

Holding him back and having him ready for the first grade a few months into Kindergarten just does not make a lot of sense to me. If he can do the academic work, I think the maturity thing will eventually even out.

But I have to admit that I am confused by the perceived difference in "maturity" between the ages of 6 and 7...or at least any significant difference, as kids those ages all all over the map in terms of maturity. First grade starts with 6 year olds that are at maturity levels of 5 yrs, 6 yrs and 7 yrs.

But you know best, and good luck in your decision process!


Vaughn and the ABC Boys
Alex, Bryce, & Calder
3-31-97 @ 28.5 weeks

PS...we were in a similar position when our boys hit first grade, though the circumstances were a little different. It took a little more work on our part, but it was worth it.

HI. I haven't posted here in many years but I had to let you know that I did hold back one of my triplets. They are 10 years old and the one I held back has hemiplegia(which is cerebral palsey that affects one side of the body), she is doing wonderful now, in school, making much, much better grades. The other two kids don't have any problems with learning at all, but they are very sympathetic to her struggles because they have watched her, first hand.Yes, it is awkward when people say, what grade are they in? People who really know them, friends from church, sports, school,they sort of know about this and treat them the same. If it is a complete stranger, asking them what grade they are in, they just simply say they are 10 years old and go on about their business.The school my kids go to is one of the best elementary schools in our area with a big focus on reading and math scores.Elisabeth struggled from kindergarten until 3rd grade before I would even consider it. I kind of wish I would have done it sooner, now. I can honestly say, it has helped her tremendously, just to get the grades that her brother and sister bring home.And in our situation, with her disabilities, it made more sense than it might for kids with no disabilities whatsoever. As my kids would say, its a done deal, and kind of like old news around here now. When they are all off to separate colleges and careers, who will care? Thanks, Robin

No offense, I don't understand how you can be so sure of this decision at this point with so many more months to go? A LOT can and will happen between now and next fall. No one really has any way of saying NOW that your child will not be ready then. You have months to work with him - unless, of course, you are not willing to.

From what you describe, I would not hold the one back. IMO the "social aspects" would be too much and you can do a lot more damage to him than by "pushing" him a bit (maybe putting him in a special ed class,getting a tutor, or in a different school without an "accelerated" program).

I can relate to the decision. We kept all of ours in pre-K for an extra year because ONE of them was not ready for Kindergarten. By the end of October that last year of pre-K, that child was ahead of the others. He was the first to read, the first to tie shoes, the first to learn math facts in spite of being the "slow one" earlier. In retrospect although it didn't hurt any of them to have an extra year, he would have been fine in Kindergarten. At your child's age, the same thing could happen. It's not like it's high school and he can't keep up. IMO holding him back at his age is giving up on him, but then it sounds from your post like that's exactly what you've done, again I mean no offense just stating my opinion based on what you've said.

So no I have nothing to say on minimizing the "social aspects" which IMO would be him always feeling like a loser. In the PP above that sounds like an entirely different scenario with disabilities and whatnot. If your child has disabilities that's a different story and not what you presented here. In my town, though, they still would not have to be in a different grade because special ed would take care of that.

I do hope you will see a counselor about this issue - and NOT one affiliated with your "accelerated" school.

Kari S.

Mom to BBB 21, 18, 14
BBG 9/25/01