I'm sorry this is such a difficult time for you, Vaughn. The end of a marriage, especially one with kids involved, is a sad event.

I will encourage you to find your own lawyer that will protect your rights. Maryanne is obviously ahead of you in this cycle and you do not want to sign or agree to anything without representation to protect your own interests and those of your boys.

You need to deal with health care, education, visitation, college and other issues. Retirement moneys are entitled to be shared in most states, even though you have been the primary caregiver to the boys. Assets and future earnings are always dealt with in a divorce proceeding and you need a good, aggressive lawyer to deal with these issues.

Her past actions can be discussed with a lawyer as it related to the banking issues.

Please make sure you have a list of all assets, policy numbers, etc.

Feel free to vent here anytime.

Sharon
13 year old b/b/b + 16 year old son

Goodness Vaughn, I am so sorry.

You sound so calm. I am impressed. I think I would be...um...well...less than calm if I were in the same position.

I hope you find a good lawyer. You do really need to protect yourself in terms of health care, visitation, etc.

Take care,
Catherine

"

Vaughn

I am so sorry to hear that you and Marianne are divorcing - what a blow this must be esp as there was discussion prior to being served. Sounds like you are thinking pretty clearly and doing what you can to protect yourself. If you are going with lawyers, I would definitely recommend you talk with others who have been through the same process and get a referral. Here in NY, the lawyer can make or break the process for you.

I will be thinking of you and hoping you and your boys get through this ok. I am sure you will, but unfortunately pain is a necessary part of the process.

Suzanne
BBB 4/00

Thanks everyone.

The boys and I are going camping this weekend -- joining up with a photo workshop led by some good friends (husband/wife team). My stress levels have been exceptionally high and this weekend should help some. I have found my memory and powers of concentration being affected by the stress -- but reconizing the stress is the first step in finding ways to reduce it.

I talked with one of the photographers leading the workshop over sandwiches yesterday (he was up early to scout locations out) and that was a great help. We swapped horror stories (his not related to divorce, but to other family issues). Actually I found listening to someone else's problems helped me to reduce the focus on my own.

Both husband and wife are incredible kind and thoughtful people...they will be good to be around. They will also have their assistant along -- and her 12 year old son, so the boys will have fun together.

The long weekend sort of screwed up the timing for getting some legal help, but I have my name in for some low cost legal advice and for the court's self-help center. I should be able to get back on track on Tuesday.

Vaughn


3-31-97 @ 28.5 weeks
http://s515.photobucket.com/albums/t356/vaughn3abc/

Vaughn,

I so sorry, I hope you find the peace and strength you will need for yourself, the boys and even for Marianne over the next period of months. May you both be able to clearly and lovingly keep your children in mind while dealing with each other. {{{Hugs}}}

Kim
Nate, Nick & Noel(36w4d)and Nia.

<a href="http://www.tickercentral.com"><img border="0" src=""></a>


http://www.tickercentral.com>

Well, I found out one benefit of being "poor" -- I got some free legal advice (45 minutes worth) and when I filed my response at the court house today, I qualified for the fee waiver ($355). At first the clerk and I thought I just missed out on the max income level for the waiver (by less than $100). As I was filling out the check, I asked if having three kids makes any difference -- turns out with the three kids, I make only half of the max income allowed.

Monday is the first hearing - I think I am prepared for it. I think Marianne is in for a shock. I don't think she realizes that due to my income and hers (almost 5 times mine), that she might be paying for child support, spousal support (alimony for 11 years), a part of her retirement when she does retire, and the biggest blow to her -- not being able to take her inheritance off the top of the value of the house when it gets split in half. It was her money until she comingled it into community property when we bought the larger house. And she may have to help me pay for a lawyer also.

Her lawyer should have told her all that. It is not that I want all of that, but I need to be able to set up a home for me and the boys for the time I will have them. At the same time, she'll need enough money, too. Two households will just be more expensive than one. I don't think there is another man in the picture -- but I am almost hoping there is who can help her out -- and hopefully make her happy as I have obviously failed to do.

Vaughn and the ABC Boys
Alex, Bryce, & Calder
3-31-97 @ 28.5 weeks
http://s515.photobucket.com/albums/t356/vaughn3abc/

Well, I officially have a lawyer -- and parents (who are both 88) who are willing to front me the $4000 to pay for him. They said they'll just take it off my inheritence. We are filing for child and spousal support for now until we are officially divorced -- then we'll see what happens then.

All my siblings will be arriving in a week from this Friday. They are bringing up my parent's VW Eurovan for me to use as they have gotten too old for camping and they keep scrapping up their two vehicles squeezing them in and out of their garage -- hard for them to judge distances! Well, that is their excuse for giving it to their bum of a son. LOL! I'll try to keep the peace as they are not happy about what is happening to their brother. But the Boys will be thrilled to see their aunts and uncle!

Dw said she just got a lawyer to help file the divorce papers, but I was not too surprised at this point that her lawyer was there to handle her side of the first hearing. There is a growing discrepency between what she says and she does. It is hard not to be able to trust someone you shared your life with for 25 years.

Her lawyer is actually a bit scary -- and I must have looked like a deer caught in the headlights to the judge. Marianne is to provide me with $3000 to allow me to move into a rental somewhere -- it should be able to cover first and last months rent and a security deposit. Might have to pay it back via the property settlement, but I don't have enough money otherwise. The judge did take a little pity on me and extended the time I can stay at home until April first (who's the fool?).

I'll have to find a pretty cheap place to live as there will be no extra money. Life is full of surprises. I will get my wish to simplify my life -- though not quite the way I had planned.

Thanks again for your thoughts.

Vaughn and the ABC Boys
Alex, Bryce, & Calder
3-31-97 @ 28.5 weeks
http://s515.photobucket.com/albums/t356/vaughn3abc/

Hi Vaughn,

I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

It's not easy, but you will get through it. It's a process, and it will take time. Lots of time. Tons of tears. Horrible heartbreak.

Hang in there, and know that many of us have gone through the same thing.

Take it day by day for now, love your kids, be a good dad...keep it simple.

Take Care,
Mare

Hello all!

My lawyer filed for spousal and legal cost support, as well as child support last week. I received the response by Marianne via her lawyer yesterday. I have to admit, according to her side of the story I would be divorcing me, too! According to her, she has done most of the childcare while working fulltime. No reconition, for example, of the 3 to 4 days a week I had the boys on my own from when they woke up until I put them down for sleep at night (until they were two, from two to five, I took the boys to preschool twice a week for 4 hours while I worked.). When both Marianne and I were home we worked together with the babes.

In elementry school times, I would get home from work, stop by the school to pick the boys up, supervise the afterschool feeding frenzy and get started on the boys' homework. And Marianne would complain that I was not keeping up with the housework when she got home a couple hours later.

It it as if we were on different planets together!

She wants spousal support to be based on what my earnings would be if I had been working fulltime in my degree field for the past 20 years -- instead of my actual earnings. She wrote "Father has failed to utilize his education and earning capability." I am sorry I saved us tens of thousands of dollars in childcare costs and actually raised our own boys (sarcasm alert!LOL!).

And lastly, she claims my photography is "only a hobby" and that I am not a professional photographer/artist. (So that I won't be able to justify to the judge that my time spent in furthering my photographic career is "work"). This after years of filing income tax as a professional artist -- at her suggestion and support. I have photographs published, represented artist of the Ansel Adams Gallery and give photo workshops professionally and sell photographs.

Interesting -- just interesting.

This is the woman who would come home from work and actually look around to find something out of place or not done "right". I would have just put the boys (still in diapers) to bed after taking care of them for 12 straight hours, tidied up the best I could (our boys are active!) and usually had something ready for her to eat. Instead of asking how my day went (after me asking how her day went), she would let loose with the one minor thing that she found. No matter how good I cleaned up, she could find something to complain about. Really makes one want to "improve"...(more sarcasm!)

This was 11 years ago...should have warned me of times to come!

That was a nice bit of venting! Thanks for listening!

Vaughn

The hearing today was interesting and somewhat productive. As of April 1st, exdw will have to pay me $1000/mo in family support for the time being. That will allow me to actually rent a place to live. Later on in April we'll have a hearing in more detail about support.

I still have to be out of the house by April 1st...which is probably for the good because the tension in the house is building up some -- and after today, exdw will be even less happy.

Oh, the joy of it all

Vaughn

Vaughn,

I haven't been on this board in a while and just saw your post. You seem to be handling this situation better than I imagine I would.

I am sorry that you are having to go through this - so sorry for the things your wife is saying that are not true.

You and your boys will be in my thoughts during this time of transition, I am so sorry. 25 years is a long time to have come crashing down - particularly trust.

Marie

April's Fools Day -- the day this fool has to out of the house.

I have a rental in sight -- meeting with the landlord today so that she can check me out and approve me. I talked with her on the phone and do not think there will be any problems. They are still doing a little work on the place, so I do not know what the move-in date will be. Until then, I will be sleeping in my van or at friends' homes. Exdw wants me out of the house and out of sight ASAP, so no grace period.

The rental is okay -- busy streets, but across from a park. Three bedrooms for the price of what most 2 bedroom places are going for -- still expensive ($945/mo, but includes water/sewer) so there will not be much "extra" money. It is only 3/4 mile from the boys' school -- and depending on how long I am there, it will be even closer to where they will be going to high school. But what is important is that it has enough room for the four of us, a backyard to kick back in, and is not a slum-dwelling.

I don't know if this will work but here is a link to google maps and the house...

http://maps.google.com/maps?f=q&source=s_q&hl=en&geocode=&q=2340+h+street+eureka+ca&sll=40.789108,-124.161234&sspn=0.009406,0.022724&ie=UTF8&hq=&hnear=2340+H+St,+Eureka,+Humboldt,+California+95501&ll=40.786293,-124.161236&spn=0.009407,0.022724&t=h&z=16&layer=c&cbll=40.78637,-124.161241&panoid=OgoIM7j3O2pBZQFHd0SiWA&cbp=12,264.68,,0,-3.59

It will be the top floor.

Vaughn and the ABC Boys
Alex, Bryce, & Calder
3-31-97 @ 28.5 weeks
http://s515.photobucket.com/albums/t356/vaughn3abc/

Vaughn, its been a long time since I've had a few moments to visit TC and try to catch up with everyone; this isn't the type of catching up I was hoping to do. Geez, I'm so sorry to hear this has happened to you.

MTM - mom to Michael(84),Stephan(85), Thomas, Matthew and Kathryn - born 12/27/99 at 32w 0 days

Oh I am so sorry. . You have always stood out to me on the this board as a hands on dad who always loves his time with his boys. I truly hate this for your family.


www.thehomeschoolmagazine.com/How_To_Homeschool/tosbrochure.pdf
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I BELIEVE in miracles - g/g/g- June 2002
Married my best friend
Financial Peace is possible www.daveramsey.com
http://i151.photo

Hello! Thanks for the kind words.

Had a court date on Monday -- just to rubber stamp our custody agreement and make it official in the eyes of the court -- week with the boys, then a week without. Change on Fridays 5pm, delivered to the parent's house who will have the boys that week. Rotating holidays and all that. But that is just the framework -- we are free to make whatever arrangements we both agree to. Like the 9 days I just had the boys over their Spring break -- they went with me to Yosemite while I taught a workshop there.

So the first part of the divorce went fairly smoothly. Now it is the property division, which will be a source of greater disagreement. I guess community property is not all that simple of a concept that I had imagined.

The new place has not seen much change -- still has that "moving in" feel. Since I moved in, I have had to prepare for the workshop, then gone 9 days for the workshop. I have another workshop on May 7,8 and 9 up in Oregon -- so my time has to be in preparation for that, and preparing for a show of my work in Hayward, CA. Busy busy busy!

Got to get a phone, too. Evil things, phones. Oh, well. The Yosemite workshop was a good escape from all this divorce stuff, but of course it was waiting patiently for me...pouncing on my head as soon as I got into range.

Vaughn