Hello,

Hard to believe that it is only Wednesday. Feels like a week since Monday, if not more -- funny how one's sense of time changes with one's circumstances. Learning new stuff about a process I never thought I would be involved with.

Good news, I can stay in the house at least until the initial hearing on Feb 22. Marianne thought she was kicking me out immediately, but I checked with the county clerk and that is not the case according to the papers served me. Can't really afford to start renting, and I do not want to be away from the Boys. Actually, there no more tension in the house than prior to receiving the divorce papers. Sleeping in the living room is the biggest change.

I'll counter her request to have me move out during the divorce process. If it makes her uncomfortable, then she can move out -- stay with friends or something until the divorce is finalized. That will be up to the judge. I think it will be good for the boys to see us handle this thing in a nice manner.

Still figuring out the lawyer stuff...got some names, trying to get an appointment at the court's self-help center. I tried to talk to Marianne about working things out without lawyers involved past the filing stage to save the family money. I got confusing answers from her -- either she does not have a firm grip on the process or her lawyer told her to play dumb. She has already betrayed my trust by filing behind my back, and misleading me to sign bank papers to create seperate bank accounts before the divorce papers were served. So I am careful.

Took my ring off -- feels funny after 23 years of having it there. I know we are still married, but the ring is not a legal document. It was a symbol of love and commitment. My love is still there, but since her commitment is not, it is now just a piece of jewelry -- and I never was much for wearing jewelry.

It is difficult figuring out where Marianne is coming from. You think you know a person and that image falls apart. I have some ideas on what may be going on, but that is all. This is not the place to air her various issues. But she is not a happy person.

It will be challenging to fund two households on basically what we were running one on. I have had the desire to simplify my life for a long time, at least from the consumer aspect. Somethings will get more complicated -- 3 boys shifting homes every one or two weeks and all.

I am not angry at her. I am sad and disappointed, and confused. And now I must get busy and finish up the tax stuff for my photography business for the appointment tomorrow.

Thanks for listening.

Vaughn

I'm sorry this is such a difficult time for you, Vaughn. The end of a marriage, especially one with kids involved, is a sad event.

I will encourage you to find your own lawyer that will protect your rights. Maryanne is obviously ahead of you in this cycle and you do not want to sign or agree to anything without representation to protect your own interests and those of your boys.

You need to deal with health care, education, visitation, college and other issues. Retirement moneys are entitled to be shared in most states, even though you have been the primary caregiver to the boys. Assets and future earnings are always dealt with in a divorce proceeding and you need a good, aggressive lawyer to deal with these issues.

Her past actions can be discussed with a lawyer as it related to the banking issues.

Please make sure you have a list of all assets, policy numbers, etc.

Feel free to vent here anytime.

Sharon
13 year old b/b/b + 16 year old son

Goodness Vaughn, I am so sorry.

You sound so calm. I am impressed. I think I would be...um...well...less than calm if I were in the same position.

I hope you find a good lawyer. You do really need to protect yourself in terms of health care, visitation, etc.

Take care,
Catherine

"

Vaughn

I am so sorry to hear that you and Marianne are divorcing - what a blow this must be esp as there was discussion prior to being served. Sounds like you are thinking pretty clearly and doing what you can to protect yourself. If you are going with lawyers, I would definitely recommend you talk with others who have been through the same process and get a referral. Here in NY, the lawyer can make or break the process for you.

I will be thinking of you and hoping you and your boys get through this ok. I am sure you will, but unfortunately pain is a necessary part of the process.

Suzanne
BBB 4/00

Thanks everyone.

The boys and I are going camping this weekend -- joining up with a photo workshop led by some good friends (husband/wife team). My stress levels have been exceptionally high and this weekend should help some. I have found my memory and powers of concentration being affected by the stress -- but reconizing the stress is the first step in finding ways to reduce it.

I talked with one of the photographers leading the workshop over sandwiches yesterday (he was up early to scout locations out) and that was a great help. We swapped horror stories (his not related to divorce, but to other family issues). Actually I found listening to someone else's problems helped me to reduce the focus on my own.

Both husband and wife are incredible kind and thoughtful people...they will be good to be around. They will also have their assistant along -- and her 12 year old son, so the boys will have fun together.

The long weekend sort of screwed up the timing for getting some legal help, but I have my name in for some low cost legal advice and for the court's self-help center. I should be able to get back on track on Tuesday.

Vaughn


3-31-97 @ 28.5 weeks
http://s515.photobucket.com/albums/t356/vaughn3abc/

Vaughn, I am so sorry to hear about your divorce. Even though I do not know you IRL, you have been a calm and steady presence here on TC, and it makes my heart sad for you and your family. Take care of yourself during this time.

Vaughn,

I so sorry, I hope you find the peace and strength you will need for yourself, the boys and even for Marianne over the next period of months. May you both be able to clearly and lovingly keep your children in mind while dealing with each other. {{{Hugs}}}

Kim
Nate, Nick & Noel(36w4d)and Nia.

<a href="http://www.tickercentral.com"><img border="0" src=""></a>


http://www.tickercentral.com>

Well, I found out one benefit of being "poor" -- I got some free legal advice (45 minutes worth) and when I filed my response at the court house today, I qualified for the fee waiver ($355). At first the clerk and I thought I just missed out on the max income level for the waiver (by less than $100). As I was filling out the check, I asked if having three kids makes any difference -- turns out with the three kids, I make only half of the max income allowed.

Monday is the first hearing - I think I am prepared for it. I think Marianne is in for a shock. I don't think she realizes that due to my income and hers (almost 5 times mine), that she might be paying for child support, spousal support (alimony for 11 years), a part of her retirement when she does retire, and the biggest blow to her -- not being able to take her inheritance off the top of the value of the house when it gets split in half. It was her money until she comingled it into community property when we bought the larger house. And she may have to help me pay for a lawyer also.

Her lawyer should have told her all that. It is not that I want all of that, but I need to be able to set up a home for me and the boys for the time I will have them. At the same time, she'll need enough money, too. Two households will just be more expensive than one. I don't think there is another man in the picture -- but I am almost hoping there is who can help her out -- and hopefully make her happy as I have obviously failed to do.

Vaughn and the ABC Boys
Alex, Bryce, & Calder
3-31-97 @ 28.5 weeks
http://s515.photobucket.com/albums/t356/vaughn3abc/

I'm glad you have received some good counsel and you are protecting yourself and the boys in the hopes of a fair settlement for all. It is not uncommon for the higher-wage earner (the wife) to pay spousal support to the husband. Health benefits, car insurance and other items are all things the judge and layers will help you work out.

You sound very positive and we'll be holding good thoughts for the first hearing on Monday.

Sharon
13 year old b/b/b + 16 year old son

I'm sorry you are having to go through this. Sounds like you are getting good counsel.

Heather, BBBB (two identical, two fraternal) 28 1/2 weeks, now age 18!

Vaughn,
I have not logged on lately b/c I have forgotten my password. I had to create one tonight so I could tell you how much I admire your poise and respect on here. I am sure you all remember my rants froma few years ago,I have the most respect for someone who can keep it together as you seem to be now! I wish you the best.
Becky

Well, I officially have a lawyer -- and parents (who are both 88) who are willing to front me the $4000 to pay for him. They said they'll just take it off my inheritence. We are filing for child and spousal support for now until we are officially divorced -- then we'll see what happens then.

All my siblings will be arriving in a week from this Friday. They are bringing up my parent's VW Eurovan for me to use as they have gotten too old for camping and they keep scrapping up their two vehicles squeezing them in and out of their garage -- hard for them to judge distances! Well, that is their excuse for giving it to their bum of a son. LOL! I'll try to keep the peace as they are not happy about what is happening to their brother. But the Boys will be thrilled to see their aunts and uncle!

Dw said she just got a lawyer to help file the divorce papers, but I was not too surprised at this point that her lawyer was there to handle her side of the first hearing. There is a growing discrepency between what she says and she does. It is hard not to be able to trust someone you shared your life with for 25 years.

Her lawyer is actually a bit scary -- and I must have looked like a deer caught in the headlights to the judge. Marianne is to provide me with $3000 to allow me to move into a rental somewhere -- it should be able to cover first and last months rent and a security deposit. Might have to pay it back via the property settlement, but I don't have enough money otherwise. The judge did take a little pity on me and extended the time I can stay at home until April first (who's the fool?).

I'll have to find a pretty cheap place to live as there will be no extra money. Life is full of surprises. I will get my wish to simplify my life -- though not quite the way I had planned.

Thanks again for your thoughts.

Vaughn and the ABC Boys
Alex, Bryce, & Calder
3-31-97 @ 28.5 weeks
http://s515.photobucket.com/albums/t356/vaughn3abc/

Vaughn

It is great that your family is helping out - and you are not a bum - just in a tough place and that is what family is for! You are going through so much change right now - remember "out of any change, comes something good" - even when it is hard to see.

For what it is worth, there is a website - "thefirst30days" that you might like to check out. It is about change - the kind we want and the kind that comes to us whether we want it or not - some inspiring things on there.

Take care!
Suzanne
BBB 4/00

Vaughn,

I am happy to hear that your family is being so supportive. Your parents sound wonderful. I am so impressed with how gracefully- and without vitriol- you are handling it all.

Hang in there,
Catherine

"

Hi Vaughn,

I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

It's not easy, but you will get through it. It's a process, and it will take time. Lots of time. Tons of tears. Horrible heartbreak.

Hang in there, and know that many of us have gone through the same thing.

Take it day by day for now, love your kids, be a good dad...keep it simple.

Take Care,
Mare

Hello all!

My lawyer filed for spousal and legal cost support, as well as child support last week. I received the response by Marianne via her lawyer yesterday. I have to admit, according to her side of the story I would be divorcing me, too! According to her, she has done most of the childcare while working fulltime. No reconition, for example, of the 3 to 4 days a week I had the boys on my own from when they woke up until I put them down for sleep at night (until they were two, from two to five, I took the boys to preschool twice a week for 4 hours while I worked.). When both Marianne and I were home we worked together with the babes.

In elementry school times, I would get home from work, stop by the school to pick the boys up, supervise the afterschool feeding frenzy and get started on the boys' homework. And Marianne would complain that I was not keeping up with the housework when she got home a couple hours later.

It it as if we were on different planets together!

She wants spousal support to be based on what my earnings would be if I had been working fulltime in my degree field for the past 20 years -- instead of my actual earnings. She wrote "Father has failed to utilize his education and earning capability." I am sorry I saved us tens of thousands of dollars in childcare costs and actually raised our own boys (sarcasm alert!LOL!).

And lastly, she claims my photography is "only a hobby" and that I am not a professional photographer/artist. (So that I won't be able to justify to the judge that my time spent in furthering my photographic career is "work"). This after years of filing income tax as a professional artist -- at her suggestion and support. I have photographs published, represented artist of the Ansel Adams Gallery and give photo workshops professionally and sell photographs.

Interesting -- just interesting.

This is the woman who would come home from work and actually look around to find something out of place or not done "right". I would have just put the boys (still in diapers) to bed after taking care of them for 12 straight hours, tidied up the best I could (our boys are active!) and usually had something ready for her to eat. Instead of asking how my day went (after me asking how her day went), she would let loose with the one minor thing that she found. No matter how good I cleaned up, she could find something to complain about. Really makes one want to "improve"...(more sarcasm!)

This was 11 years ago...should have warned me of times to come!

That was a nice bit of venting! Thanks for listening!

Vaughn

I have steam coming out of my ears! I am so angry for you! The thought that she is making all of those false allegations......argh!
Hang in there and know that you can vent here ANYTIME!
Keeping you in my thoughts.

"Just remember, you can do anything you set your mind to, but it takes action, perseverance, and facing your fears."-- Gillian Anderson

Nah -- I do my real venting over on the marriage board..

Sometimes I think she does not see them as false -- just the way she personally sees the world.

Vaughn and the ABC Boys
Alex, Bryce, & Calder
3-31-97 @ 28.5 weeks

Vaughn,

You are doing great. Keep your chin up and your eyes open.

I can't imagine how she can think that you did nothing but a bit of "hobby" work all these years. We all know how much work it is to raise triplets. It never ends. And a perfectly clean house is the least of our worries.

We're keeping you in our thoughts.

Sharon
13 year old b/b/b + 16 year old son

The hearing today was interesting and somewhat productive. As of April 1st, exdw will have to pay me $1000/mo in family support for the time being. That will allow me to actually rent a place to live. Later on in April we'll have a hearing in more detail about support.

I still have to be out of the house by April 1st...which is probably for the good because the tension in the house is building up some -- and after today, exdw will be even less happy.

Oh, the joy of it all

Vaughn

Vaughn,

I haven't been on this board in a while and just saw your post. You seem to be handling this situation better than I imagine I would.

I am sorry that you are having to go through this - so sorry for the things your wife is saying that are not true.

You and your boys will be in my thoughts during this time of transition, I am so sorry. 25 years is a long time to have come crashing down - particularly trust.

Marie

April's Fools Day -- the day this fool has to out of the house.

I have a rental in sight -- meeting with the landlord today so that she can check me out and approve me. I talked with her on the phone and do not think there will be any problems. They are still doing a little work on the place, so I do not know what the move-in date will be. Until then, I will be sleeping in my van or at friends' homes. Exdw wants me out of the house and out of sight ASAP, so no grace period.

The rental is okay -- busy streets, but across from a park. Three bedrooms for the price of what most 2 bedroom places are going for -- still expensive ($945/mo, but includes water/sewer) so there will not be much "extra" money. It is only 3/4 mile from the boys' school -- and depending on how long I am there, it will be even closer to where they will be going to high school. But what is important is that it has enough room for the four of us, a backyard to kick back in, and is not a slum-dwelling.

I don't know if this will work but here is a link to google maps and the house...

http://maps.google.com/maps?f=q&source=s_q&hl=en&geocode=&q=2340+h+street+eureka+ca&sll=40.789108,-124.161234&sspn=0.009406,0.022724&ie=UTF8&hq=&hnear=2340+H+St,+Eureka,+Humboldt,+California+95501&ll=40.786293,-124.161236&spn=0.009407,0.022724&t=h&z=16&layer=c&cbll=40.78637,-124.161241&panoid=OgoIM7j3O2pBZQFHd0SiWA&cbp=12,264.68,,0,-3.59

It will be the top floor.

Vaughn and the ABC Boys
Alex, Bryce, & Calder
3-31-97 @ 28.5 weeks
http://s515.photobucket.com/albums/t356/vaughn3abc/

I'm glad you found a place that is big enough for the four of you plus close to the boys' school. Close to a park is a big plus!

I hope the move-in time is soon and you won't be living in your van for long.

When's your next court date? What are YOUR plans for the near future?

Sharon
13 year old b/b/b/+ 16 year old son

The property management company will do a final walk-through on Tuesday morning, and I can move in starting that afternoon. So there is a definite date to end my present state of "homelessness". The boys will stay at their mother's house until I move in (it is technically my week with the boys starting today).

But I have a great set of friends and I do not lack in support and places to stay.

Next court dates: April 13th to rehear spousal/child/family support. April 26th to get court approval of the results of out child custody mediation.

Then I guess the next step is to determine community property dispersion. This will be a tough. I mentioned to exdw that I would like to take the boys' computer over to the new house when I get some sort of internet connection. We have another computer (a new iMac -- very nice) that I am willing to let her keep. The boys' computer is one my cousin gave up (it was my aunt's) -- a nice Dell PC. Well, she got angry, saying that she bought the iMac with her inheritence money and that it is hers and I can't have the other computer since it is the only family computer. Shades of things to come, I'm afraid.

My immediate plans? I have a workshop to give in Yosemite that I only have two weeks to prepare for and then another two weeks after that. So moving in to the new place, preparing for the workshops, working at the university. And tomorrow, helping to celebrate my boys' birthday at a party at their mother's house. A gaggle of 12/13 year olds -- ping pong, fusball, easter egg hunt, cake and ice cream.

Vaughn

Hi Vaughn,

I'm mostly a lurker on this site and don't post much so I hope you don't mind my asking you a few questions.

How did your kids handle the news? Did you and your ex tell them together? Did they ask a lot of questions?

I hope you don't mind my asking this but I'm curious for my own personal reasons. I feel we may be headed down the same road and I'm worried how my kids would handle it. They are 11.

Thanks so much.

On a Monday morning, my wife said as she was walking out the door to go to work, "I am going through with the divorce." This was the first I had heard of it. She asked that we tell the kids together -- then out the door she went.

I was a bit shocked and once I got to work, I was thinking about what we would have to talk about -- kids, house, etc.) Then in the afternoon her lawyer had me served with the papers. So much for talking about it.

Well, By the time I got home I was a mess. I forgot about agreeing to talk with the boys together -- and when the boys got home from school, I sat them down and told them. I could not hide my distress from them and wait a couple hours for their mom to get home.

I made sure that they knew that it was not because of them. And it was not a total surprise to them as they knew of the tension that has existed between their mom and me. In retrospect, I probably should not have said "Your Mom is divorcing me." but instead said, "Your mom and me were getting divorced.", but at the time there was the overwhelming feeling of being rejected and literally being kicked out of the house, and that was the only way I could see it at the time. Like I said it was all a shock to me.

The boys were quiet, no questions. I asked for a hug from them all. Marianne talked with them alone when she got home.

As to the affect on them...Calder's grades took a slide down, but have picked back up some. He is acting out his unease more -- bugging his brothers a lot more. Alex has gone into an even stronger "good student" mode...worrying about every percentage point in his grade average. Worrying about being the top student in each of his classes. Bryce is still the same Bryce, which can be a handful with a major teenage attitude forming.

But we'll move into the new place on Tuesday. A&B are excited about it, Calder doesn't say much about how he is feeling. But we will need to go through several cycles of house changing (custody changes every Friday afternoon) to see how they adjust to it. Right now it is just an future adventure, not yet a reality.

Marianne wanted me (and thought she legally had me) out of the house as soon as the papers were served. Some mis-communication between her and her lawyer, I guess. But instead the judge gave me until 4/1 to find a place. So the boys have witnessed things as a process instead as a quick break/change. I have been sleeping in the living room or in my van, but have been home everyday when the boys came home from school and all weekends. I think this slow transition has been good for the boys. They have seen their mom and I treat each other with respect even if there is distrust between us -- and even though she is pissed I was still around. It has been interesting, to say the least, and I am now ready to move out. It took me awhile to make the mental transition.

I hope this helps. Hopefully you will not have to go this path -- counclling did not directly help us save our marriage, but I am glad we tried and the sessions did help me some in understanding where she was coming from. Hang in there and I wish you luck and love on your journey.


Vaughn and the ABC Boys
Alex, Bryce, & Calder
3-31-97 @ 28.5 weeks
http://s515.photobucket.com/albums/t356/vaughn3abc/

Thanks so much for your response Vaughn. Hopefully your boys will adjust well once all of you have a good routine going.

It is such a huge decision to make and one that effects so many others. That is the hard part. I almost wish my husband would make the decision then the weight of it all would not be squarely on my shoulders.

We have tried counseling many times and with different counselors. I have found if you're not willing to do the work it doesn't help.

Right now I've started working and that has been an adjustment in itself!

Thanks again for being so candid with me. I hope everything works out for the best with you and your family.

Vaughn, its been a long time since I've had a few moments to visit TC and try to catch up with everyone; this isn't the type of catching up I was hoping to do. Geez, I'm so sorry to hear this has happened to you.

MTM - mom to Michael(84),Stephan(85), Thomas, Matthew and Kathryn - born 12/27/99 at 32w 0 days

Oh I am so sorry. . You have always stood out to me on the this board as a hands on dad who always loves his time with his boys. I truly hate this for your family.


www.thehomeschoolmagazine.com/How_To_Homeschool/tosbrochure.pdf
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I BELIEVE in miracles - g/g/g- June 2002
Married my best friend
Financial Peace is possible www.daveramsey.com
http://i151.photo

Hello! Thanks for the kind words.

Had a court date on Monday -- just to rubber stamp our custody agreement and make it official in the eyes of the court -- week with the boys, then a week without. Change on Fridays 5pm, delivered to the parent's house who will have the boys that week. Rotating holidays and all that. But that is just the framework -- we are free to make whatever arrangements we both agree to. Like the 9 days I just had the boys over their Spring break -- they went with me to Yosemite while I taught a workshop there.

So the first part of the divorce went fairly smoothly. Now it is the property division, which will be a source of greater disagreement. I guess community property is not all that simple of a concept that I had imagined.

The new place has not seen much change -- still has that "moving in" feel. Since I moved in, I have had to prepare for the workshop, then gone 9 days for the workshop. I have another workshop on May 7,8 and 9 up in Oregon -- so my time has to be in preparation for that, and preparing for a show of my work in Hayward, CA. Busy busy busy!

Got to get a phone, too. Evil things, phones. Oh, well. The Yosemite workshop was a good escape from all this divorce stuff, but of course it was waiting patiently for me...pouncing on my head as soon as I got into range.

Vaughn