No I am not pregnant!!!! I have wanted to write for awhile as we have had several sibling issues this year that I just feel tired of! At the same time, we have news which will undoubtedly effect these dynamics b/w the boys - in a good way I hope. Dh got a teacher exchange fulbright to India. We will be living there for 6 months - Aug to Feb. We are very excited and would love to hear from anyone who has any experience with India.

Now the real issue is that we live in a small town and there are only 2 classes in each grade - about 12-13 boys total in the 4th grade. We had them together for pre-K and K, then each had a year alone and now all together again for a year. Last year S was alone for the first time and really trying to separate from the others - acting "cool" , trying to get in with these 2 friends etc. It was ok - but I did not like the way he treated B in particular as B is very sensitive, less mature socially...

Now this year B and S are better - though B takes things personally and does get upset about the relationship at times. S treats him much better - not acting "better " than him anymore. S has issues with C though - thinks C, who is quite social, tries to take his friends (he can kind of move in and be competitive and dominating - in a subtle way), feels C is better than him at things and S is trying so hard to find something of his own.

I know they need to separate - it is hard to see how different they are (and how wonderful in their own ways) and then see S trying so hard to be different. Everyone who meets them comments on how different they are . At the same time, they have always gotten along relatively well, played together etc. That still happens - but the rivalry is worse this year than in the past and I wondered if anyone had any similar experiences or ideas. B/c we live in a small town , there are not tons of options for exploring different things - and they all like similar things so we do not want to limit anyone. 2 snowboard, and B decided this year he will tele ski instead, they all take different music lessons (guitar, piano, drum), they play soccer (I can see b stepping out as he gets older - not competitive), they all nordic ski and mountain bike. S likes to play in the woods, build forts etc - sees that as his thing and gets mad when C joins in when friends are over (b/c he will not build with S when no friends are over).

I feel like I am rambling and not expressing this struggle very well - I would appreciate any thoughts you have. Mostly I want them to get through this thing called childhood loving each other and not doing significant damage to each others self- esteem! I want them to be close when they are older and I know that their childhood will impact that (yes , many fight and then are BF's in adulthood, but others do such damage - it is hard to repair - I do not want to be the latter!)

I think India will be a bonding experience for our whole family and they will appreciate having each other to lean on there. We are hoping they are in different classes there and when we get back we will start to make them their own rooms (we built the house 5 years ago - thought long and hard about separate rooms or not - now already remodeling when it is not even done yet- ugh!). I can see how their own space is important when they are together so much otherwise. We also recently started playdates where 1 has 1-2 friends over and the other 2 are otherwise occupied.

Thanks for any thoughts you have!

Suzanne
Proud mommy to Seamus, Brendan and Casey 4/17/00

A belated birthday to your wonderful boys. They hit the big "10" - double digits. Woohoo!

I hear you about trying to let the boys explore their own interests and become their own person while keeping the triplet bond. It's hard.

I find it gets a bit worse as they get older. We live in the SF Bay Area. Lots of opportunities but a limited amount of time. With 4 boys, we really feel pulled in 4 different directions. One loves the ocean and wants sailing lessons (won't happen $$$). Another loves all things skateboarding and wants to go paintballing. The third loves astronomy and all things science. Throw in a high schooler with his own desires. Not a lot of overlap. And they are each desiring time with dad. Definitely a male bonding thing. Just not enough time in the day to meet everyone's needs.

My boys look very different from each other. In elementary school, the "triplet card" wore off quickly. It wasn't special since everyone knew them. Now, in junior high, there are a total of 4 different elementary schools joined together. The "triplet card" is a big thing right now. So many kids can't believe it. There's a lot of attention being put on them. But they take it in stride. It's all good. They follow their own path but they know the brotherly bond will last forever.

I think your opportunity to live in India is absolutely wonderful! I'm jealous. I have many friends that travel to India extensively and they love it. Domestic help is very common and inexpensive. So you can really focus on the family. Do try to travel as much as you can in India and experience the country on as many levels as you can. Live like a local, eat the cuisine, wear the clothes. The women's saris as divine!

Good luck as you sort things out!

Sharon
13 year old b/b/b + 16 year old son

Thanks for your response Sharon - it helps to know I am not alone! My kids are much like yours - look different and like different things. I guess it is normal that it would be worse as they get older - trying to create their own identity etc.

Yes - we plan to travel as much as we can in India - there are a few breaks and many weekends we will have to do that. One woman who was recently there with her family said she wore capri's with sari's daily (and they are so inexpensive there) - she said to pack very little b/c clothes are so beautiful and inexpensive. I am worried about the food as 2 boys and I are picky - but we are up for the challenge - and are already vegetarian anyway. Friday night we are doing our first "Indian night" for dinner!

Thanks
Suzanne
BBB 4/17/00

Dear Suzanne,
India? That is wonderful. Actually, my husband and I met in India- and now we live in Japan. My months of travel there was certainly live-changing
I think that you will have a wonderful and challenging time there. It has been about 20 years since I was there but, despite a fair bit of traveling, India remains the country that left me with the strongest impression. The first few days there were hard- seeing so many children begging just made me cry...I started in Mumbai. However, there is also so much beauty and kindness, too. The food was great. Travel was easy, if not always on time. I really want to go back. Especially now that India is such a global player.
Friends who have lived there did have household help which made life easier. Where will you be staying?
Catherine

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Catherine

Thanks for your thoughts - it helps to hear from people who have been there - and liked it!

We will be living in Ahmedabad which is a huge city, fastest growing economy in India and Ghandi's home city! I know there will be tremendous challenges - from city life (we live in a small town) on up. I also hear they love boys there and treat them as mini stars (want pics taken with them, want to touch them) - I can only imagine how 10 yr old boys will feel about that! And Seamus has almost white hair which will attract even more attn.

I have heard about the help, but doubt we will get it as I will not be working and we will have minimal "stuff" there - and no yard/ garden etc - so it should be quite manageable.

I have been studying under a Hindu saint (not religious - spiritual in nature)for the past 3 years so I feel drawn to India. Brendan and I are going to a presentation this weekend from some people who were just at the Kumbha Mela - should get us excited.

Glad to hear you loved India - how long have you been in Japan? Is your husband Indian?

Suzanne
BBB 4/17/00

Suzanne,
It sounds like you are all ready to go to India. Do tell more about the Kumbha Mela after. I hear it is something.
I am glad to hear that you are aware that you will all draw attention. In a big city much less so, but still...
I came to Japan nineteen years ago. We live in my husband's hometown.
I am looking forward to hearing all about your adventures.

Catherine

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