I don’t post much but read as much as possible. We have 9-year-old BBG triplets. We have a problem with one of our boys being so competitive with the other two. He seems to suffer from an inferiority complex and just can’t seem to handle it when one of his siblings is better than him or beats him at something. It is causing a lot of problems since he can get very nasty (and sometimes physical) when he loses or when one gets recognition. And, it's usually my daughter who wins or gets recognition. She is a very good athlete and although my son is too, she always seems to outshine him. We’ve tried to encourage him to do his own thing (like gymnastics, which he is good at) but he insists that he doesn’t want “lessons” or to be coached or taught. He has many, many great attributes, is a good student, well-behaved at school, very athletic, etc. and we always try to be as encouraging as possible. However, he still compares himself to his siblings.

We aren’t sure what to do. We can’t downplay our other kids’ talents or successes just to not upset him but he is getting so difficult. I feel bad for him b/c no matter how hard we try, they are always compared or comparing themselves. His brother and him are identical so the comparisons never end. BTW, they are in separate classes in school but have many of the same friends.

Any advice?
Thanks,
Rebecca
BBG 9/00

This is a tough one.

The only thing I can think of is to praise your kids one-on-one whenever possible. And when praising, make no mention or comparisons with his/her siblings.

Bryce can act up quite a bit and when I get him aside and offer him praise, he really appreciates it. When we were up at my sister's last month, we all went out to cut firewood -- very hot and a long day of cutting and tossing wood. Bryce hung in there the longest, even though he was obviously getting exhausted in the heat. A couple days later as he was reading in bed and about to go to sleep, I went up to him and thanked him for working so hard and that I was proud of him (no comparisons were made with his brothers). He just smiled all the way to his heart and I could see his whole body sort of relax even more into the bed.

Back when they were younger, I would tell each boy (when I was alone with him), that he was my most favorite Alex/Bryce/Calder in the whole world. It made a big difference. They did not really need to think that they were my "favorite" -- they each just needed to hear that I loved them as an individual, and not just as a collective...a set of triplets.

It just seems like much of my boys' behavior is geared towards being their own person and being reconized as such. And I know that I am on the right path with them when they volunteer the info that they are triplets to people we meet. While that may seem backwards, I think that if they are sure enough about themselves as individuals, they don't mind sharing the fact that they are triplets to strangers.


Vaughn and the ABC Boys
Alex, Bryce, & Calder
3-31-97 @ 28.5 weeks
http://s515.photobucket.com/albums/t356/vaughn3abc/

I agree, this is a tough one. For us it really started being an issue when they started school but over the last year I have noticed some improvement. I do a lot of talking one-on-one at bedtime. I try to tell each one what they did that day that they should feel proud about. And like Vaughn I have also done the "you are my favorite Jacob/Daniel/Rebecca in the whole world," since they were little but they still feel some sense of being left out when another is getting the attention or praise. When any of them makes a comment about it (like "what about me???") I remind them that right at that moment we are talking about their sibling. Eventually they hear it enough that they remember that they will get their time to shine in mom's eyes too. If it is a sensitive issue (like soccer right now) I keep my comments very brief and general when we are all together then later have a one-on-one talk telling them what I thought was great about their performance, or give a little pep talk if needed. It's just so painful to be on the same team and have your brother get a lot more play time then you and we don't have the benifit of saying "he's older than you, when your his age....." That one is just so painfully hard, no matter what I say they can see with their own eyes that the other is getting played more. It doesn't matter if mom thinks they are great, they want the coach to think that and play them more.
We have also had many heart to heart talks that as siblings they need to be supportive of each other and part of that is celebrating the strengths their sibling have. Still some areas are more sensitive than others. Like with the soccer, I try to be sensitive to certain topics and limit talking about those trigger topics. But if one makes an issue of something, I make sure I don't try to talk to the upset one too much right at that moment, it just seems to get worse then. I usually will tell them to cool it right now, go to their room if they have to then have that heart to heart when they have had plenty of time to calm their emotions down.
One bit of advice I try to stick to is if there is a recurring problem, pick a time to talk about it when both of you are in a really good mood. Start off the conversation telling them somthing that they are doing right, or somthing that you really appreciate about them. Then tell them you have a problem that you want their help with. Explain to them how it makes you feel when they behave that way, that you care about them and understand how upset they are too so you want to get their help on how "we" can work on this together. I'd also recommend the book Siblings without rivalry. I was given that book when they were babies and it is one of those books I pull out every so often for a refresher.
Good luck~

Shell~
B/B/G 1/7/2000

Siblings Without Rivalry is an incredible book. It is even to good to read to understand one's relationship to one's own siblings long after one is long out of the family home!


Vaughn and the ABC Boys
Alex, Bryce, & Calder
3-31-97 @ 28.5 weeks
http://s515.photobucket.com/albums/t356/vaughn3abc/

You've gotten some good advice that I can't add to with anything new or exciting.

Just wanted you to know that rivalry will change over the years. My boys never seemed very competitive with each other. We've stressed their own strengths and weaknesses. However, they have grown into their own individuals more so as they get older.

At age 13, they are in different sports for most of the year but they are on the same swim team. Each year, a different boy seems to shine. One boy, "S" hasn't always been a super strong swimmer. But this year, he came into his own (a huge growth spurt and lots of muscle helped!). He had an AWESOME year and got lots of attention. My boys were so happy for him. But we don't stress the highs and lows. We praise them for their own efforts. We go for your own "personal best", not 1st place. Emphasis on the individual, not the swim time.

The same thing goes for school. We stress trying their best, not a perfect grade. My boys are good students but schoolwork is more of a struggle for one boy. But he's a hard worker and that trait is emphasized, not the grades. As long as he tried, the grades are irrelevant.

I would continue to stress trying their own individual sports. For more specialized coaching, have a coach talk to you son. Or even a high school student in the same sport. Have them recommend extra lessons or coaching. Kids listen to other people sometimes more than their parents.

Best wishes,

Sharon
13 year old b/b/b + 17 year old son

Thanks for the replies. I'm going to get that book and see if it helps. We always encourage them individually and point out the things they are good at. But, we also try to encourage them to be happy for each others' success. Somehow, my one son, has the most diffuculty with that. Maybe over time this will get better. Until then we'll keep encouraging individual achievement and trying their own sports. We'll see...
Thanks again,
Rebecca

It is hard. I know I have to tell my kids that when I compliment one I am not criticizing the other!

Marie

I think some of it is age related too.
Now my girls are the least competitive children in the world (alot like my husband and I). They enjoy sports as long as it is hanging with friends. Winning means nothing!
In school they reconize each has different talents and use that to get help from whomever is best in that subject.

My son on the other hand, is a typical oldest child. He NEEDS to win and is always stiving to improve. At age 8, 9 and even 10 this was tough during sports. He blamed every loss on someone else, the coach, the ref etc.
In school it was the same. He had to have the best scores.

By the time he reached 12, 13 he was ready to see the talents of others without giving up on his own. He actually said after a hard basketball loss, you know, there were some bad calls, but it didn't matter. The other team really was just better than us.

Keep reconizing everyone's successes and maybe add in your and your husband's successes too. Compliment your husband if he balances the checkbook quickly or beats you in tennis and ask him to do the same when you fix the dishwasher or beat him in scrabble.
Kids really do model what they see.

I bet you will see a change as your boys get older and more mature.




Judie and Victor
lucky parents to
Frankie 3/95
Maggie 7/96
Rose 7/96
Elizabeth 7/96