Hi guys! One of my triplets has shown more anger then the other two for a long time but it's getting worse.. He was the child kicking the glass in the NICU lol. No really I'm so stressed out with this kid. I have been trying to deal with him for awhile now.

But yesterday was a big wake up call. We went to friends for Thanksgiving and he was punching the other kids. I was so embarrassed. He's never hit any other kids but his brother and sister.

When I spank him for misbehaving he will stand there and say no over and over and even hit me back, and I have to spank until he cries. I know I need to break his spirt and he needs to know I'm the boss but HOW?

When he hits someone and I try to sit him down and talk to him, he blocks out my questions and just keeps repeating what someone else did to him. He doesn't want to focus on his self.

This kid is tough and won't give in. And spanking him doesn't seem to be doing much. I need to get this under control or I'll never be invited to anyones house.

I would be grateful for any advice and tips, thanks.

Cheryl
Mommy to 5
Kyle (16)
Casey (13)
Tripz (BBG Jan 2006)


http://lilypie.com>

I have a bully in my trio, too. Normal discipline isn't working, so right now I am trying two different things. First, reinforcing GENTLE touches. I stop him in the middle of the hitting, and show him how to gently rub his brothers' back, etc. (I've been working on this for a while) Second, if I see him getting really frustrated, I offer him a hug, or tell him "If you need to hit something, hit this pillow."

Who knows if it will work, but I'm giving it a try.

Jenny
single mom to spontaneous BBB 34w 2d

http://lilypie.com>

Okay, honestly this sounds a lot like my Makenna. Her behavior was sprialing out of control, but I just thought she was being bad until we had Early Intervention out to observe Alyssa's speech. Makenna decided to show out while the therapists were there and before the end of the day we decided to have her evaluated for sensory processing disorder (seeking).

She would push, kick, and hit her sisters without provocation. She would scream and scream for hours when she had a fit. If I spanked her, she just looked at me like was that supposed to hurt.

Well, we started therapy with her and I can't tell you the difference it has made, so here are my suggestions (which also work with my non sensory kids too).

If you see him start to act out (not once he does), grab him and place him on an exercise ball and bounce the heck out of him. I mean really bounce him. He will love it and it will help distract him for the issue he is having.

If he acts out, wrap him in a blanket in press down on his joints (knees, ankles, elbows, and shoulders). He will fight this at first, but he will learn that it helps him. (Makenna actually bring me the blanket and her brush (which is another thing we do) now when she needs it.)

For regular issues, we use love and logic for young kids method. It really works. Time out are in their bedroom. They stay until the can be nice (ie no crying). We use the word "oh no" to let them know they've done something wrong.

Consistency is the key.

Kimberly,
Mom to Isabelle, Alyssa, and Makenna
www.guinntrips.com

Thanks Ladies!

I know thats the golden rule "Consistency" and I guess I'm to blame b/c I get stressed and just let it go, bad, but true.

My 16 old son handles him like that, with the blanket. My son will hold Conrad down until he calms down, sometimes it works and sometimes not.

My friends asked me if I thought it was a triplet thing, and if others had one bully. But I didn't know if it's true with others.

My problem is not trantrums, it's defending himself to the point of hurting someone or not doing what we ask. It's like he wants to win. I know they have power struggles at this age but I can just see the anger in his eyes.

No speech problems here, it's just he doesn't want to give in and he also doesn't want to say sorry. He's also not very friend with people. Doesn't want to say hi or give a hug to family unless he wants too.

My older son was very much like this. He's a great guy now but I don't think I can wait for this guy to out grow it when I have two other children the same age.

Thanks so much for the ideas. I would love to hear what others do also.

Cheryl
Mommy to 5
Kyle (16)
Casey (13)
Tripz (BBG Jan 2006)


http://lilypie.com>

have you tried other techniques besides spanking? you mention he just keeps repeating what someone else has done to him- maybe he thinks (because actions often speak louder than words) that hitting is what you do when someone has wronged you? (you spank him when he misbehaves)

Spanking may work in some families, but in your son's case, it doesn't sound like it is working very well. there are some very good positive discipline books out there, some even geared for preschoolers. and Love and Logic is very good as well. I've found a ton at our library.

also, when you sit down to talk to him, it is usually helpful to listen to what they have to say, repeat it back/empathize- something to let them know you have heard them. they might still be in the wrong, but at least they feel heard. and who knows, maybe sometimes they are kind of right. ex. one ds started fighting with his sister over a book (that she had first) recently. when I asked him why- he said I put the book in his lap. which was true, I jumped up to get the phone, tossed the book inadvertently in his lap (dd was on the other side of me), and he assumed that it was his. so sometimes they have logical reasons for acting out.

I wouldn't focus on breaking his spirit. Can you focus on letting him have control in areas where you don't care? give him lots of choices throughout the day- which book do you want to read first? do you want milk or water? the blue shirt or red shirt? the slide first or the swing? kix or cheerios? or if he's after attention from you, maybe he can be a special helper? kids love to feel important by helping (yes, we call it helping even though we can do it faster without them! LOL!)

do you praise the kids when they are acting nicely with each other? let them know to be proud of themselves for using their words and sharing. or wow, you are acting so sweet with each other, let's go to the park this afternoon. basically- it's giving attention for good behavior instead of bad.

good luck! I hope things get better for you!

Mary

born 12/12/04 33w2d

Mary
Thank you! I think your right in that I should try and listen more to him. It's easy to get upset by what they are doing without looking through their eyes.

I do praise them often for being good. I did read love and logic and it's a good book but not something I want to follow all the way.

Thank you for your ideas.

Cheryl
Mommy to 5
Kyle (16)
Casey (13)
Tripz (BBG Jan 2006)


http://lilypie.com>

You have to spank until he cries? Ouch. My middle DS has a lot of issues. I've done everything with him. What works the best is staying totally clam and talking to him in a firm voice. It's NOT easy to stay calm but I do my best. Spanking never worked with him, although I wish it had because it sure is easier!

Crazy mom to:
DS 10
DS 7
& BBB 5!
9/29/06 born @ 32w2d

Your little one sounds like PART of his problem may be being a triplet. I say this because you have described fairly typical two/three year old behavior. But, when you attempt to discipline him, he keeps telling you what the other person did.

To me, this means that he does not feel like he is being heard. This is a common problem with little ones. They have just learned to communicate and do not always know that they are truly being understood. One technique that helps with this is to get down on your knees, at their level, and say, "Yes. Mommy hears you. X did this to you, didn't he?" When son nods in agreement, seeing that you understand, then continue, "X did this to you, so you did this to him, right?" (Further assurance that you understand what happened in the situation.) From there, "Son, I understand that X did this to you, but we do not do (fill in the blank) when we are (hurt/angry/fill in the blank). Do you understand?"

It sounds to me like you are not assuring him that he is being heard, and this simply fosters further frustration and acting out. Children act out when they do not feel that they are understood and valued. I know that you value him, but with three little ones, it is much tougher for all of them to feel like they are being understood -- and this is where "being a triplet" comes in.

'Hope this helps. Also, if you can reconnect with him on the communications, you should be able to find some calm forms of discipline and get him to working on your side of the fence!

BTW, the hitting is very standard with three year olds. That, and throwing things, make clear that they are beginning to socialize with others (a mature two/three year old concept) but do not really know how to do it properly yet. By four and a half to five, they will do much better with this -- if they know that they are being understood and get taught how to handle things differently. Unfortunately, if you become angry at his expected three year old behavior, his frustration will increase and you can be pretty much assured that he will be hitting more and the two of you will not be "buddies." (Important note: If you want to be buddies with them when they are fifteen, you need to be buddies with them now!!)

Good luck with this one. Oh, and "this too shall pass." For your sanity right now, please do not read any of the posts that those of us with early five year olds have been writing regarding their problematic behavior! LOLOLOLOLOL!!!!

Fondly,
Cat w/3 Kittens
Caidan, Carina and Caeleigh
Born at 31 weeks, 1/8/04.
It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. In memory of Carina, who was greatly loved.

http://b3.lilypie.com/bDA

Cat
(Please do not read any of the posts that those of us with early five year olds have been writing regarding their problematic behavior!)

Thats funny lol, good one.

Thank you, I am so glad that I posted this here, your advice along with others has helped me so much. I think you have nailed it. Thats why only multiple moms truly understand.

I felt that I did a pretty good job with the older two (now teens) but this is all so different. I'm going to start listening to Conrad and trying to understand his frustration b/c reacting. I also need to block out friends and family with this issue b/c I know they think I'm a bad mom for not spanking him around them when he acts up. But I don't think he needs to be spanked in front of people, I don't do that.

Anyways thank you so much and thank you to everyone else. I am taking all this to heart and going to work on this. I'll update you if I start to see a change, I know it's going to take some time.

Cheryl
Mommy to 5
Kyle (16)
Casey (13)
Tripz (BBG Jan 2006)


http://lilypie.com>

Hon, I just about promise you that you will see a nearly immediate change if Conrad feels like you understand what is happening with him and care about what has happened. Oh, and you're totally right about needing to block out "friends and family." They not only do not have any vote on how we train up our children, they do not know our children's personalities, what our children have had to endure during their day, whether they are tired or sick, and/or any of the other things that we tend to take into consideration when we deal with our children.

Besides, if you sugar Conrad up and treat him like he is the sweet, dear son of your heart, that is who he is going to become.

Of course, I continue to get a rich laugh out of my own dear dad and his interferences with my children. It is sometimes too funny, as in this afternoon: We were at Costco and my father got so busy supervising (over-supervising, thank you) my son's every movement that he was actually blocking the entrance to the store, with about 8 carts lined up behind him. I finally said, "Daddy, perhaps you should let my son take care of his business so that you can attend to your own business. You're blocking the doorway and no one can get past you." He looked up in surprise, and then began taking care of his own business. I have extracted a promise from him that he will not interfere with the discipline (or lack of it--hahahaha!) of my children, but he continues to forget.

Oh, and while I'M VENTING, how about that one, ladies? Ever notice that if you have more than one the same age, everyone feels like they were issued an invitation to admonish you on your child-rearing style and/or lack of it??? Yippeeeeeee!!!

Hey, don't respond to this here. I'm gonna' post this as a separate topic!! See if we can't get an "excited" conversation going here...

Good luck, Cheryl. My heart goes out to you, but I do know that if you bind Conrad to you in love, things will work out better for both of you. In fact, you might consider having your older two assist in addressing the issues of the remaining two triplets and focus all of your attention on Conrad for a couple of days, seeing to it that you completely understand what is happening to cause so much frustration and helping him to address the issues in a kind fashion. It might be just what the doctor ordered!

Cat w/3 Kittens
Caidan, Carina and Caeleigh
Born at 31 weeks, 1/8/04.
It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. In memory of Carina, who was greatly loved.

http://b3.lilypie.com/bDA