Weeelllll.....
We went on our trip. We decided before we went that next year we will be having my SIL watch the kids.

I talked to my mom the night before we left and said I really did not want them going to the craft show. She anwsered me bey saying that I guess I really didn't have a say in it since I had a "free babysitter". WTF??? So I was even more pissed. So, I decide I would talk to her that morning before we left and mention it again. DH hubby didn't want me to get into a big fight with her before we left. SO, I again mentioned the weather that morning before we left saying I didn't think they should be going. I told my mom if they did go anywhere she was to put there name tags with all their info on them. When we got home my mom justified it as saying that she was trying to get some hand crafted slippers for the the kids' bitty babies and also so they could see Santa. In the end they didn't do either.
Also, my mom cut my daughter's bangs. They look fine, but once again it would have been nice if she had asked me if it was OK. We also had a mess when we got home. It took me two hours just to get everything back to it's original spot. We have a dishwasher and all of the dishes were stacked on the counter.. not done. My sister and her kids (the ones she sees a few times a week) ended up coming over Sat. night. I did not find this out from my mom, but from my own kids who told me last night.

So that is some of what happened while we were gone.
I love my mother dearly and apreciate the things that she does do, like spoil my kids and spend time with them. Dh's mom is not able to do things like that for them due to her MS. My kids also do not go to my mom's house as my dad is an alcoholic. Plus, my DH father passed away when he was in HS. So, with this combination of grandparents or lack there of really makes it hard. I feel like I am walking on egg shell with my mom sometimes. I want my kids to be able to see her! My mom is not a mean person, but she really needs some work on her boundaries with all her grandkids. She also needs to start respecting me as a mom and a grown-up. So, I am still really torn on how my kids will get opportunities with her if I take them away. I just don't want her to watch them next year after everything that happened.

Sorry to ramble, I just have a mind full of stuff to say! lol
Oh, the kids had a blast which makes this all even harder.
Ok, now you can bring on the comments/or more suggustions.
And thanks for all the advice before we went.
Michelle
Mom to Bryson, Emily, & Trevor (4/27/04) born @ 31w, 4d

Michelle,

i don't have any advice but I am the same way with my mom. She has a hard time with the grandparent/parent boundaries too. She lives in a different state so she only gets to visit a few times a year but the week that she is here is very stresssful on my DH and me. She is great with them but acts like their parent too even when I am in the room. Dh and I have an oppurtunity to possibly go on a company trip (no kids allowed unless you pay for them) and we are serioulsy thinking of having my dad and step mom fly out to watch them so that my mom can't get her hands on them.

It is a hard situation to be in with your mom.

Suzsan

g/g/b August 21, 2005
my miracle 24 weekers!!!!

I'm sorry that you have to deal with this. My momma likes to spoil my kiddos rotten. She lives in the Bahamas, so she doesn't see them all the time. When my son, who is 11 now, was little she would take him for a week at a time and I would have to call her and beg her to bring him home. They have an extra special bond because of that. He is her first- born grandchild, so I try to let things go sometime. She thinks I'm too hard on him. A lot of little things. I try to remember that she just loves him to pieces and she is the grandma and they are supposed to spoil their grandkids rotten. I know that when they go to grandmas they will have to be "retrained", especially my 11 year old, who knows he can do no wrong in grandma's eyes. He really does love her above everyone else.

The bangs would pi** me off though. I am very picky about my kids hair and I want it a certain way. I don't think that I would let that one slide. As for the craft fair, I think that if you didn't want her to take them, she should not have. She should respect your wishes, especially since she tends to have a wondering mind. I'm guessing that she's so used to taking your sister's kids everywhere she has no idea that you wouldn't want her to take them. She sounds like she just wanted to spoil them.

I hope you can find a resolution with her and help her with the boundaries. I try to think back to when I was a kiddo and my grandma spoiled me rotten, I'm sure it drove my parents nuts. I wanted a pet rabbit, my dad said "no", she bought me one, and I had a pet rabbit that lived for 7 years. I wanted a purple room, my dad hated purple, grandma convinced him to paint it purple, with lavender carpet, no less. She could do no wrong in his eyes, so she usually got my way. I try to remember the joy it brought me as a child and let it go. I turned out okay and still think of all the fun she provided for me. Indoor shaving cream fights...go for it. Camping in the yard with us...she was right there. So much fun and it really didn't harm anything. If she's not doing anything harmful, try to think of it from your kiddos point of view. Maybe in my family we're just all NUTS and expect grandparents to be overly overindulgent. I don't remember my parents being upset, though. All I remember is how much fun she was.

I hope that next year you have a better time and don't have to worry so much.

Love, Becca

Check us out at...thepingels.com

That's why this is so hard. I want her to do things with them and spoil them because that is how she isand they basically have just her to do that. At the same time when I ask her not to take them out in a snow storm, then I think she should repect me enough as their parent to keep them out of the snow storm. So, I don't want to piss her off to the point that she doesn't come over anymore. KWIM?
Michelle
Mom to Bryson, Emily, & Trevor (4/27/04) born @ 31w, 4d

My boys have had the same nanny/babysitter/whatever you want to call it since they were 3 months old. I don't have a relationship with my own mom, and she has become like a mom to me, and like a grandma to the boys.

For quite a while, she did things that I specifically asked her not to do or just plain didn't agree with. I got resentful, and it built up inside of me. We had a big fight about it about a year ago, and we didn't see each other for a month, although we still did Christmas with her and her family.

In that time, I had some space to really evaluate my feelings and priorities. Did she do stuff that I didn't want her to do? Yep. Did she do things in a way that I wished would have been different? Yep. Did it drive me nuts? Absolutely.

However, I truely had to dig into my heart, and say YES, I love this woman to pieces. Was all that stuff worth losing her? No. Was it worth my boys losing her? No. Did she always have the boys' best interest in mind? Without a doubt, yes. I had to make a decision to live and let live. Realistically, she is a grown woman with grown children, and she is set in her ways. It was a gradual retraining of my thinking, but I learned to let go, and accept that HER way is not always MY way. Even though they are my kids, that does not make her wrong, or make me right.

It's been about a year since the fight, and I can't imagine my life without her. We talk almost every day, and she sees the boys 1-2 times a week, and do holidays together. She is there when s*** hits the fan, and when things are great. We all love each other to pieces. I am glad that I learned to let go, and just let her be.

That's my story. I don't know if what I went through has any bearing on your situation. Maybe you and your mom could reach a compromise. You can try to let go a little, and she can try to do a few more things your way.

HTH

Jenny
single mom to spontaneous BBB 34w 2d

http://lilypie.com>

Here is my thoughts Michelle.

Coming from someone whose mom died before my kids were born, I really think you are lucky. So she left a mess. Not a big deal in the big picture. The fact she's physically capable of even watching them is such a blessing for you, that you simply don't realize. My MIL is the only one left and she's 72, and nearly deaf, and can barely walk, and I could never leave my kids with her for a weekend. She simply wouldn't be able to physically handle it.

If you step back and look at this objectively, you got to go have a nice weekend and the kids got to hang out with their grandma and cousins and aunt. It doesn't really get better than that. I would let go of the small stuff. She won't be around forever. Cherish this time. Someday this little stuff won't mean much at all. You won't even remember it. But the kids will remember their grandma and doing cool stuff with her and you'll remember that your mom loved your kids, even when she cut their BANGS. (OMG!)

Michele
Sarah, Gregory, Amanda
born 1/22/04 at 35w1d

Our surprise baby Austin born 06/15/2005

www.fourtimesthefun.blogspot.com

I do know this as we live with DH's mom and take care of her. She is not able to do ANYTHING for herself. So having my mom is a blessing and I do truly know that. Really, I do!
However, I did feel sick to my stomache that she was taking them out in a snow storm to go to a craft show. Really, really sick. From there I was just not happy at all that she didn't respect my wishes.
Michelle
Mom to Bryson, Emily, & Trevor (4/27/04) born @ 31w, 4d

Michelle:

First off, I'm glad that you got to go on your trip. And I AM SO JEALOUS!!! Chicago at Christmas!

Second, you inadvertently gave me all of the answers to all of the issues in this post: Your dad is an alcoholic. My best suggestion? Go out and buy yourself a copy of the book called "Boundaries," and be sure to get a copy of the workbook that goes along with it.

The reason that I suggest this is that people who live with addicted personalities NEVER have boundaries where they belong. This means that your mother is a part of the equation with your dad, and that she not only is not able to draw her own boundaries, but everybody else's boundaries are also invisible to her. Thus, while you are the mother of these children and you should be allowed to set the parameters, she will take them wherever she wants; invite in company in your absence; and, cut your daughter's bangs at whim. It is all a function of her inability to set boundaries for herself and/or to honor anyone else's boundaries.

Getting a copy of the book for yourself is my advice because:

1. Your dad is an alcoholic and you grew up in those circumstances. It sounds like you have put some boundaries in place, but your mother threw your boundaries out the door last weekend, and your closing indicates that "I just don't want her to watch them next year after everything that happened."

I'm noticing that it doesn't say, "She won't be watching them by herself again. I'm finding someone to assist us for next year." It sounds like you might just wind up with her back and/or like you may become convinced to give it one more try. Not good, okay?

2. If you will become clear about what your boundaries are and how to phrase them, you will also become clearer about where you can and cannot trust your mother with your children.

Anyway, I'm very glad that you and dh had a good weekend, and sorry that you returned to some mayhem.

Oh, and please forgive me if I have overstepped with this. It's just that when you revealed about your dad, everything suddenly came into focus for me. You need to stop feeling guilty about your boundaries -- they were reasonable boundaries and you had every right to expect them to be followed. The issue with not being able to set boundaries is taking on guilt for other people's failings -- e.g., guilt for your mother's poor judgment and behavior with your children when the kids had such a great time!

Good luck, sweetie!! 'Glad you had a good trip!

Cat w/3 Kittens
Caidan, Carina and Caeleigh
Born at 31 weeks, 1/8/04.
It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. In memory of Carina, who was greatly loved.

http://b3.lilypie.com/bDA

My mom and my mil are very helpful and involved and there are many times that they overstep their boundaries and get on my nerves but that is the way it is with family. Your mom took them for a weekend and that is sooooo nice. I would be so upset about the haircut but I also would be so grateful that she took care of 3 kids for that long that I would mention it once and drop it. There is a give and take with family and nothing will change that.

Stefanie

Mom to BGB
33 weeks 6 days
3/3/07

Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!! This was very well written and exactly how I am feeling! I have noticed that the longer I am with my husband the more weird my mom seems to become to me. Growing up my sister, myself and her were very close for the most part. I would say that I was closer to her than my sister.

Somewhere along the way that has changed. Some of Dave's (DH) family say it is because my mom and sister are jealous of me and the relationship I have with my DH. My sister filed for divorce in may and her husband has a lot of problems (tried to kill himself, depression ect.) My mom continues to stay with my dad but every so often decides to "plan" to leave him.

So, I can see they both understand each other and can help each other out. Over the last year I have tried to put my issues aside for the kids sake. I just decide that for now my sister needs her more and maybe someday it might be me that will need her more. Hopefully, if that happens she will be there.

I guess this past weekend was a bit of a breaking point for me. LOL

Anyway, tahnk you for your help!!!
Michelle
Mom to Bryson, Emily, & Trevor (4/27/04) born @ 31w, 4d

I'm glad to hear your family survived their weekend out!

One question: Does she really enjoy having the kids by herself or does she treat it more like a burden? If she makes you feel guilty or acts like it's a huge chore, I'd quit leaving the kids with her and just limit her contact to visits for a while. That way she can enjoy her grandkids without feeling like it's a "working vacation" if you KWIM.

Otherwise, the dishes can be washed and the hair will grow back, LOL. I would be most irritated that A) she hosted a gathering at your house while you were gone, and 2) she took the kids out in crappy weather even thought it was against your wishes! IMO, that needs to be dealt with. It's disrespectful, and if she wanted to go so badly, she could have asked you to find another sitter during those hours or declined to have the kids at all.

Loren
GGG Jan.2005 @ 28wks

Sweetened Taters - http://sweetenedtaters.blogspot.com

I have to BEG my mother to spend time with my kids, I have to beg all of my family for that matter. It's sad to me that I ask hired help to watch the kids without even thinking of family. I know my family is always going to say no so I've just stopped asking. Just a different perspective. I would give a limb to have my mom to want to spend time with my kids!

ETA: my lovely mother has a facebook page. She just changed her status to say: (Her name)..can't wait for January....sooooo tired of shopping....tooooooooo many kids.

guess she really wanted to accentuate the toooooo many and how soooooo very tired she is ahopping. Man, I'd like to be out shopping instead of cleaning red meat sauce off the floor, walls and everywhere else! arrr! ok, I'm done complaining now!

Crazy mom to:
DS 10
DS 7
& BBB 5!
9/29/06 born @ 32w2d

Give your mom all the priviledges of being a grandparent, but don't give her any responsibility. Don't count on her to be a babysitter. Don't ask her to help you with doctor visits. Etc.

Invite her over lots, but only in situations where it really doesn't matter if she comes or not. Treat her just as fluff - fun and games, but no responsibility.

BGG born 4/25/05 at 31w1d




New baby girl born 9/19/06