Help! 1 of my triplets just seems to require an enormous amount of attention (BGG 34 months old). We are really good about giving equally divided attention to all 3 of them...but she just seems to need more than our other 2. It's to the point that she cries if we give any attention (rocking, cuddling, etc.) to the other 2! It's getting ridiculous and we want to give her what she needs and not neglect the other 2 at the same time. How do we get her to realize that she's not an 'only' child. Taking her out by herself has seemed to make things worse! Can anyone out there relate?

We have a "squeaky wheel" but it has not been to the point of what your situation sounds like.

Can you start rewarding the kids for quiet activities? Coloring, play doh? Reading, aqua doodler? Thing like that? Even mentioning "Oh XXX you are behaving so nicely while quietly reading your book" the squeaky wheel child might crave that approval as well and join in on the quiet behavior.

As far as crying and stuff when she sees you with the other two, that sounds like manipulation. Of course, I am not there, so I don't know. But if it is working for her, why would she ever want to stop behaving that way?

I think I would tell her it is unacceptable and mommy doesn't like it when she cries and screams to get attention. It is rude to her brothers/sisters and we don't act like that. Mommy would be happy to sit and read to everyone (so she can still get the attention she wants, but it is widespread so it doesn't seem like the temper worked) If she continued, I would send her to time out or to her room until she can be nice. Just as if she was throwing a fit or whatever about anything else. It is not acceptable to act like that here.

Blah blah blah.

Good luck, I know it can't be easy going through that.

Laura & Don
BBB 5/05
www.ourbighappy.blogspot.com

"

I think every child when they are little would prefer to be an only child -- until they are old enough to really appreciate having playmates (this is happening for us now at age 4). As triplet parents I think we are especially sensitive to this issue but I try to remind myself that in any family with three kids anyone after the first child has to share their parents' attention - it's not just a triplet thing.

We periodically do "Special Days" for each child when they can do an activity alone with DH or me. We try to make sure each child gets some alone time every couple of weeks. We also try to take just one sometimes when we run an errand.

Aside from this, though, I think you have to make it clear that expecting constant special attention in a family of three kids is unreasonable. I also tend to think that she is trying to manipulate you into getting as much attention as possible. At this age, I don't think kids manipulate in the way adults do (with mean intentions) it's more that they will do anything they can to get what they want because they see no reason not to.

I would start to discipline for this behavior with whatever method you use. In our house, sending them to their room works great. Then she really isn't getting any attention at all. I think this kind of behavior is very common though. My kids seem to go through phases when they switch off being the neediest. I do try to make more effort to plan a Special Day for that child but on a day-to-day level the poor behavior has to stop. HTH!

Marsha
mom to Nick, Hannah and Paige born July 15, 2004

Thanks!

I'm going thru the exact same thing. One of my DD hates it when we pick up or snuggle with another child. She will cry "put Caroline down" and just continue to cry. They are real tears and it seems genuine. I say "come snuggle with both of us", but she wants none of that. She wants me all to herself. If she sees one of the other two coming over to sit on my lap, she races over to me to try to beat them. It's aweful. I try to explain, "I'm Robbie and Caroline's mommy too and you have to share me." That doesn't seem to help.

I've thought that she is probably trying to manipulate me, but her pain seems so real -- like she is truly hurt that she can't have me to herself. I keep thinking that one day she will understand and accept it, but I keep waiting for that day.

Based on the other responses to your post, I am going to try to discipline her for this behavior and see if that helps.

Just wanted you to know you're not alone. This triplet thing is hard!!

Joan
mom to Caroline, Erin and Robbie
born 9/26/05 @ 35 weeks
visit us at http://www.babyhomepages.net/greenetriplets

Joan, What if you had 3 lollipops and every time you went to give your kids one each, she would run over, pushing the other two out of the way to get it, even though there was enough for all three. Would you allow it? Or would you simply tell her that is not acceptable and we don't act that way? Removing the guilt by you being the lollipop you see it in a different light.

IMO I think that telling her YOU are everyone's Mommy only reinforces a reason to throw the fit and act like that. It points out the problem and distracts the behavior issue. Just letting her know it is not okay to act like that is enough. When my kids act like that, we call t being rotten. So I would just say I don't want to cuddle with you if you are going to be rotten. You can be sweet and we would love for you to join us, or you can go get a book and read it (or something else). If they continued to act that way, they would go to their room (because time out is too close and I wouldn't want her actions to continue to fight for control) and she can come out when she wants to be sweet.

I hope this makes sense. There are so many things that the kids will have to share as they get older and I know it is hard for us to deal with guilt as it comes up. But so many times I see how awesome it is they have each other too, way more than I think it is hard for them.

By making the issue about the behavior instead of it being about you stretching yourself out more, it is fixable. They will stop acting like this and fixing the behavior makes it clear that NO MATTER the issue, that behavior is not acceptable.

Hope this helps.

Laura & Don
BBB 5/05
www.ourbighappy.blogspot.com

"

You're right. In the lollipop scenario, I would say to her "no ma'am, you each get one and you've had yours". I usually don't put up with bad behavior, but when it comes to having to split my time between them, I've always felt guilty. You know, I've actually had to pry her off of me so that others could have a turn on my lap. I hate doing that. I guess the mommy guilt is getting the way of me seeing this as just a rotten-acting child. In the book 1-2-3 Magic the author says to view your young children as wild animals that need to be tamed. He says not explain to children why something should be done or stopped because they won't get it, but to just discipline them. I forget that sometimes.

Look out Erin, here comes "mean mommy" (that's what the kids call me when I put them in their rooms for punishment)

Thanks for the advice.

Joan
mom to Caroline, Erin and Robbie
born 9/26/05 @ 35 weeks
visit us at http://www.babyhomepages.net/greenetriplets

Mommy guilt sucks

Laura & Don
BBB 5/05
www.ourbighappy.blogspot.com

"

Oh Gosh, I deal with the Mommy guilt too! My mom has given me some great advice though that I have been trying to remember and it has helped:

She told me never to feel sorry for my children, or they will learn to feel sorry for themselves. Instead, teach them how to view their lives in a positive light. So instead of focusing on what they don't have, focus on what they do have. For triplets it means that they have friends their own age, it means they will be more adjusted adults who are not completely self absorbed and know how to share- they GET to learn how to share, they GET to have many opportunities to learn self control, they GET to play on their own for a while (while the other is having attention from Mommy), they GET to serve their siblings by playing quietly so that they have an opportunity with you, etc. These are really GOOD things for them- like vegetables! They make them better people in the end, they make them children that other's want to be around. You are HELPING your child when you DIscipline your child.

This mindset has helped me so much when I feel the "guilt"...
Good Luck!

Tiffany
BBG @ 31.4 weeks
on 11/27/06
3.11
3.6
2.14



baby girl born on 7/24/08

we started 'my day' this past year. every day is someone's day (rotates ABC,ABC), and they have priority on that day - for getting out of bed first and getting the first hug, to holding mommy's hand when we're out, to getting served first, to sit in my lap while reading a book, instead of next to me.... they never forget their day! and it seems to have helped emphasize the taking turns part. they'll tell each other 'it's my day' or 'it's not your day yet'. it's made things easier since it de-personalizes things (why mommy is holding x's hand and not z's).

Mary

born 12/12/04 33w2d