We had an incident tonight at the Parent's Night Out with ds6. He pushed his sister, apparently hard enough to do a face plant on the floor. She was crying, he was told by the teachers/sitters to apologize to her. Instead he threw an all out tantrum and refused to do ANYthing- even threw his shoe at one of them. They had to call us.

As soon as they told me on the phone what happened, the pushing and request to apologize, I could envision his behavior exactly. because we have seen that same reaction before in both him and his brother. They do not like to be wrong. They do not like to apologize. Not even when they know they will lose privileges or be punished for their behavior. (whereas if they would have just apologized, it would have been over; it doesn't make sense.)

I know a lot of parenting books say an apology shouldn't be forced/required. At home, we'll often just have them ask 'what can I do to make you feel better?' and have them make sure the other is alright. They usually end up having to do another's chore. But I can definitely see where they should be able to apologize (ex. when they're out in public and someone is expecting it). I have no idea what the hangup is with it. And they can't tell me either; I've asked. It's not always the case; they can and have apologized at various times. But it's happened enough now that it is a problem.

Any ideas on how to handle?! Should we practice scenarios? read books about apologizing? (if so, what are some?) What?! I have no idea how to improve this. It seems like they get totally out of control and don't know how to handle themselves; it just totally blows out of proportion. How do I teach them to calm themselves down? What are some good anger management tips that work with your kids? Thank you!

Mary

born 12/12/04 33w2d

oops, posted this in the wrong place!

Mary

born 12/12/04 33w2d

My oldest son is a lot like your boys. Always wants to be right , hates to admit mistakes and thinks the world ends when he has to apologize. He has gotten tons better over time, probably just maturing. We have always made him apologize, no matter how much of a tantrum he threw. Plus he would still lose privileges due to the tantrum. The worst for him is apologizing to an adult. It goes a lot better and smoother if he can first calm down. Once he is calm, he can actually apologize without major incidence and be sincere and sweet about it. I have made him write down his apology first a few times to give him some time to cool down and to collect his thoughts.
Good luck
Petra
DS 08/02
DD 05/04
BBG 05/09 32.1 weeks

I see that this post is kinda old, so I hope you see this response...

My oldest DD is like that. We make her apologize and she WILL NOT. She will choose a time out over an apology EVERY TIME. It's the crazinest thing to me, and it really had me worried that she had some social awkwardness and bad personality traits developing that I wanted to nip in the bud, but had no idea how. Everything we tried failed. The only thing that worked *sometimes* is that she would apologize if we weren't there to see her do it; and she would.

DS was in EI for speech and behavior and I once asked our behavior specialist about her. She said it's really common, and that it's okay to expect her to apologize for doing something wrong, and that she knows what she did was unacceptable. However, she made a really good point that put it into perspective for me: Apologizing is HARD. Even when you know you should, it's admitting defeat, that you were wrong. It's embarrasing to have to apologize, ESPECIALLY in front of other people. She said it's okay for DD to feel shame, embarrasement, remorse, and reminded me that's a lot for a kid to understand and deal with, and to help her understand THOSE feelings so that she can understand why it's important to say sorry and mean it. The BS also brought up that DD looks up to DH and I, and to dissapoint us is heartbreaking for her. She likened it to how you would feel if you screwed up a project at work and had to own up and apologize; you feel embarrased, like a fool.

So we've taken that into account now and respect her wishes to be private when apologizing, and talking to her more about her feelings and how other people feel when you hurt them. It's really helped. I think maybe it's just a maturity thing? She's gotten a lot better about it, so maybe it was us working with her that made her more comfortable with apologizing? IDK...

I HTH. Remember that your boys may just feel their feelings with passion and react without thinking. DD is still like that, with tantrums and pushing and throwing stuff. We just have to stay on top of her letting her know she's being bad, kwim? GL!!!

Mandie
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My Triplets May Be Fake