I am exhausted.

I've joked about the fact that God has replaced my third triplet with my father who is 83 years old. I've even joked about the fact that he is going to outlive everyone. But, it's really not funny right now.

Dad has been having his "defibs" on his heart again and has become completely self-absorbed with them -- and, yes, I understand that they can be very scary. But, as an example, he has had himself carted over to the hospital about 30 miles away, and then called my nanny to come and pick him up -- and, insisted on stopping two or three places to run errands en route home.

They called him the following day and asked him to come in for a monitor -- so, he scheduled the appointment for late, and then called my nanny to come and pick him up so that he could stop by Penney's to catch a sale on blue jeans; stop by PetSmart for fly spray for his dog; stop for lunch; and,... all before getting to the hospital to pick up his monitor. Of course, all of this resulted in my children missing their dance lesson ($14.00 x 2, thank you); forced our nanny to pick up the nephew and haul him home with them prior to soccer (resulting in all kinds of dog issues, thank you); and, resulted in my having to spend $13.00 per hour for the four hours that she spent running him around with my children strapped into car seats and not able to do their homework or play or swim or anything.

Of course, he has convinced himself that it doesn't cost anybody anything if he uses my nanny, but I really wouldn't be spending that kind of dough on her if my kids aren't going to get the benefit of her help. And, he doesn't even give me the courtesy of calling and clearing it with me first. Oh, and we already had a serious heart-to-heart about this where I told him he could go to the post office every day; go to the bank once per week; plus select one additional errand each week -- all free. From there, any other time he would be paying $20.00 per hour to me for my nanny's time -- except that he hasn't honored this, either.

But, the worst thing of all is that he has not been sleeping at nights AT ALL during the past eight or so days. And, guess what, ladies? He gets up and stomps around and turns on lights and closes doors, and turns off the A/C and checks the temperature settings (which prompts the stupid thing to start talking about what temperature settings they are on -- immediately outside my room). He wakes up my children, who are very tired and crabby and whiny with each other these days. And, he's up from about 2:00 a.m. on doing this kind of stuff. I am so exhausted that I got no value at all from my 3 day weekend, spending most of it in bed on Monday because I simply couldn't get out of bed.

I am becoming angry and frustrated and miserable. I want to pick somebody up by the ears and slap them around a bit. Hey, ya' think we could find dogwood's neighbor and I could slap him around a bit, as well as a few of his cats??

Okay. I'm hoping that I'll feel better after all of this. But, right now I'm just wanting to scream. And snore. Oh, and in case the posting time shows something bizarre -- as it usually does -- it is currently 8:00 p.m. and I have a document I need to finish, but I'm too exhausted to complete it. I'm going to bed.

Of course, dad caught a ride with my nanny and is having dinner over at my sister's house and will come tripping in at about 9:00 p.m. and will awaken me then. From there, I'll be back asleep by about 10:30 and will then get to sleep about 3.5 hours. And, I promise all of you, he is going to outlive everyone!! It's for sure that I can't keep up with him. (He did this same thing to my mother full-time, and she was 10 years younger than him and has been dead for more than five years now. I'm beginning to think that she simply died out of self-defense.)

So, when are they going to coin the phrase "Younger abuse??"

Cat w/3 Kittens
Caidan, Carina and Caeleigh
Born at 31 weeks, 1/8/04.

I know you're just whining - and I understand. My Dad just passed away last month after living with us since my Mom died in November. Healthy most of it, thank God, but oh my, was he flaky and stubborn!!!!

Can you tell your Nanny to tell him she can't help him? I mean you would have to tell him first that the kids are being cheated and you are telling the nanny from now on NOT to run him around. Then make sure the Nanny just says "sorry, I can't"? Can you possibly find an aide that CAN run him around, or give him specific hours the Nanny can help him? She is YOUR employee after all, for the children, of which he is not one.

I'm sorry. I really can relate, only I had a teenager with no job that I could force to be at Grandad's disposal. What I DO know is this - for far too long, I let him walk all over me because after all he was old and sick and DYING. A friend reminded me that HER mom lived for years in that state so you really do have to set boundaries. Then expect them to be tested; he won't like it!

Get the aide during those certain times you mentioned and make HIM responsible to pay them. When he "forgets" and they don't show up he will learn...Good luck, and as Ann Landers always said "remember no one can take advantage of you without your permission". I hope I don't sound harsh. My friend had to be blunt with me too. YOu have to keep your sanity or you are no good to anyone!!

Edit: get some earplugs! My Dad was up and at 'em all night as well.

Kari S.

Mom to BBB 21, 18, 14
BBG 9/25/01

Kari, thank you for understanding! I guess there's nothing like the "been there, done that" school to put us in the same place.

I set out the rules for him with all three of us sitting down together so that he would know the rules, my nanny would know the rules, and I would be assured everybody understood. Right. He intimidates her, and he also calls her and asks for help without calling me first. I mean, it sounds pretty bad when you call from the hospital, having been taken there by ambulance, and you need a ride home. I doubt that it occurred to her that once she picked him up she would be forced to make three additional shopping stops, plus the post office. The same re the heart monitor.

And, it would help my nanny to spend the mornings working for dad since I have been trying to cut back our time, but the fact is that (a) he spends that time at the Sr. Center; and, (b) he uses her because he doesn't want to pay for the help. Aaaaaaaaaaaaarggghhhh!!

But, I did tell her, again, that she is not being fair to me by allowing him to run over her. I know it feels to her like she is being "put in the middle" (her words, not mine), but as I told her, "That's very revealing to me. You see, I'm your boss and I pay you to take care of my children and my household things, so there should not ever be a question of there being a middle. He's trying to put you in the middle, and you're allowing him to do this by trying to be nice to him and failing to say 'no.'" She and I are good friends, and she understood what I was saying, but she's very sweet and he really bullies her, so it's easier for her to roll over for him than to stand up to him for me.

As for the earplugs, that raises up an entirely different issue. You see, Dad also refuses to keep the pool gate closed, etc. I leave my bedroom door open so that I can hear when my children get up and take charge of them. I'm afraid that earplugs would also eliminate that one and I really cannot trust him with my kids. Heck, I can't trust my kids with my kids!!! lolololol!!!

Thank you for the compassion, and for the moral support. I will continue to wrestle with him testing the limits and try to be kind but firm.

Oh, and congratulations on seeing things through to the end. It says a lot about you that you hung in there. I knew there was something I liked about you!! (Actually, I've known you for a long time and find that there's lots to like about you, but I didn't know about this before.)

Cat w/3 Kittens
Caidan, Carina and Caeleigh
Born at 31 weeks, 1/8/04.

I'm glad you had that talk. I was wondering how it went!

We had to hire a night aide at one point, when he needed help to get up for the bathroom. He did NOT want to pay someone for that. I can understand his feelings, but after 2 nights of being "on shift" we knew we could not function and do it ourselves. He had the money - if he hadn't, it would have been a whole different matter. For me, the hard part was the guilt - irrational, but still there. I hated being the hard*** and insisting on things he didn't want. I had to remind him that he had had to make the same tough decisions about his own mother.

Point is, if he needs an aide at any time don't feel guilty about going over his head to get it. Even if it's your nanny during the hours she isn't doing for you. You will have to put your foot down and it is NOT going to be easy or feel good!

I never did find a support group, but I did have a couple of friends who had been there/done that, and it did help a lot to talk to them! So if you need to talk or vent, I'm available - I believe that one reason we go through things in our lives is to be able to help others with the same issues down the line. So, let me know if you want to chat, just get things off your chest or "whine" anytime because you need to!

Kari S.

Mom to BBB 21, 18, 14
BBG 9/25/01

Kari:

I'm going to take you up on the "talking" or "venting," but in re-reading my reply to your pp, it hit me like a ton of bricks that it reads like I spoke with him following your post. The problem is that I sat him down about three weeks ago for that little chat. All of the stuff that led to my post occurred AFTER our talk.

Oh, and one other thing that we addressed during that talk was that he would not be yelling at me in front of my children and that there would not be any fighting anywhere near my children. So, tonight he decided to yell at me for purchasing a chicken (I know -- the raw nerve!! How dare I bring home the proverbial plucked bird!!), and began attacking me for this in front of my son. Everything pretty much went downhill from there...

Interestingly, my five year old son told me tonight that he was just thinking that I should not say anything in response to Papa. I asked my children, "So, if I don't say anything in reply to him, will you believe that he's in charge? Will you believe that I deserve to be yelled at?" They both told me that they don't like it when Papa yells at me, and that they don't think that he's the boss. I'm thinking that perhaps the best thing will be to simply not respond to his yelling at all, but I'm not certain that I can do this. (Watch me fall over with the heart failure!!)

Ah well.

I appreciate your help. It means a lot.

Cat w/3 Kittens
Caidan, Carina and Caeleigh
Born at 31 weeks, 1/8/04.

I sent you my e-mail and yahoo. Let me know if you don't get it.

I think your kids are very wise.

My Dad had some quirks that were very hard to deal with, and were just part of who he was. I did bite my tongue most of the time - but the kids and I did discuss it. He is what he is, and we can't change him, but we can talk about it together if something bothers us.

Of course I would not have hesitated to say something to him if I thought I needed to. But in most cases, it was a matter of "will it help?" and the answer was "no". But again, the kids understood and we communicated. They knew, and still know. Hug them, and encourage them to spend "grandpa time", my kids were so blessed to have that time with him. And he seemed to soften with every story read to him (even if the stories they chose were "not advanced enough" for his taste, Heh).

I learned to smile and say, "how about some more apple juice?"

Or in the case of the chicken "we like chicken" *smile* "oops, forgot to fold the socks, see ya".

And have someone to vent to because it will drive you mad LOL!!!

Kari S.

Mom to BBB 21, 18, 14
BBG 9/25/01