Hello,

Does anyone know if the law to give the parents the right to choose separation of multiples in elementary school passed in California? I know I signed a petition 2 years ago but can't find any info. on the web.

My triplets just started third grade and my girl (BGB triplets) is very attached to one of the boys and has had a very hard time separating from him since the required separation in first grade. I think it was too young to separate her and I knew this would be the result. But, now this is the third year and I can't take it anymore! I have tried things the school's way and I'm going to fight them all now to have this trauma stopped for my daughter.

Any help would be appreciated.

Jamie in California

I'm not aware of any law that mandates separation in California. My boys have been both together and separate through their elementary school years. Together in kindergarten, split in 1/2/3 grades, a 2/1 split in 4/5, then together in 6th. Now they are in junior high and have 6 teachers a day and they don't have a single class together.

The principal has always encouraged us to tell them what we wanted and it worked well for my boys. They are not dependent on each other, are at different academic levels, and have very different personalities.

I might also want to explore why your 8 year old girl is so attached to her brother. Closeness is fine but if she doesn't separate at some point, things may not be easier later. After two years of separation, I would imagine things getting easier, not harder.

Sharon
12 year old b/b/b + 16 year old son

Jamie, I agree with Sharon that your daughter needs to learn to separate, but I encourage you to put your foot down on the separation in school. It is clear that she was separated from her security source too early and that she lost him for the entire day at a time. She appears not to have been ready for this and has become stuck as a result. Frankly, if she's been exhibiting these kinds of problems since day one, she should have been reunited with her brother much sooner -- e.g., three weeks into first grade.

One thing that came out of my post on the kindergarten question was the encouragement that I needed to demand the information that I needed. Once I realized that I am STILL the person who knows my children best, and once I realized the pieces that I was missing in the analysis, the encouragement from this site helped me to demand the meeting that resolved the problems.

You are the mother and you know your children very well. From what you have described, the split was extremely traumatic for your little girl and she has become stuck as a result of it. In your position, I would likely do a couple of things:

1. I would demand that she be placed into a classroom with her brother. From there, I would make it clear that you are finding other ways to address her security issues and that you will let them know when it is time to attempt separating them. Quite honestly, there is a very natural time when the separation will occur, and this would be in Jr. High School, as they will have separate gym classes and separate schedules. They will be able to have some classes together and some apart, and there will not be an entire day's separation all at once. Also, they will be much older and much more mature. And, had the school not insisted upon this at age 6, it is likely your daughter would be just fine with this by now.

2. I would also get the name of an excellent child psychologist in your area and go have a couple of chats with that person, and then have some family sessions and a couple of chats for just your daughter. I suspect that once her class situation has been adjusted and she relaxes a bit, she's going to find out that she needs him much, much less than she feels like she does with the separation anxiety in place. But, it's possible that a third person will be able to see some things that would help to ease her separation anxiety.

3. There are all kinds of things that you can get dd involved in that her brothers simply cannot get involved in. One of these would be Girl Scouts -- and this would be a brief separation time that is not artificially contrived or demanded. Ballet, cheer-leading, and others are also available. In short, focus on getting the school thing sorted out, and then begin working on developing the separateness in other arenas.

Actually, my children are in the same classroom, and I don't see any real need to separate them for first grade at all next year. I don't know how I'm going to feel about this in the future, but I am of the school that says most people without multiples are simply jealous of having such a dear friend nearby. In the case of my kids, there is no security issue -- but, if they were being deliberately separated, I might find that there is. Who knows?

If you need help on this, let us all know. Do a search on this site because this issue has come up any number of times, and there have been all kinds of great posts that include research; political debates; and, some pretty empowering commentaries.

I don't believe that any school has the right to make this decision for parents, particularly since most administrators have never raised HOMs. All education aside, parents generally know their children much better than others do.

Good luck to you.

Cat w/3 Kittens
Caidan, Carina and Caeleigh
Born at 31 weeks, 1/8/04.

Hello Sharon and Cat,

Thank you so much for your replies. I do agree with you both. I believe separating my triplets in first grade was too early for them which goes along with the research I have heard from many psychologists including Nancy Segal. When the issues came up in first grade I did meet with the principal many times citing many articles from psychologist not to separate so young. At the time the principal was new to the school and being a principal and would not change her class. Eventually, after about 3 months of off and on crying my daughter did stop crying and the principal said "see, she is fine"! I could tell she was still not happy. You are so right when you say she is "stuck" in that anxiety mode from first grade.

I found the "twins law" web site regarding all issues and legislation on separating multiples. It is a great site with links to all the important trial testings and articles. I left a message for the director of the school district Friday and am going to speak with the principal tomorrow morning - armed with my test results on separating too soon. The principal needs to see that I tried her way for almost three years now and things are not better. She needs to move my daughter with her favorite brother now before more of the school year passes. (we are only starting our second week now). The thing that really bothers me is that my 8th grade son went to the same school and I have volunteered there weekly since he started. At one time I was in four classroom every week! All the teachers know and love me coming to help each year. I have done so much for this school and it bothers me that they are not willing to make an exception for my obviously traumatized daughter. They have all known her since she was a baby!

Anyway, hopefully the principal will agree with me tomorrow and see the tole her decision has taken on my daughter. I hope to post good news tomorrow.

Thank you all so much for your imput.

Jamie -

P.S. I have a good friend who is a marriage/family therapist and plan on speaking with her about this as well for a referral.

Mom to Jack 13 years; Ryan, Katie & Curtis 8 years. (Born at 30 weeks

How did you appt go today? GA had a law passed in regards to seperation thanks to a wonderful group of ladies including a Mom of trips (a twin herself) and a former school therapist. SO needless to say she knew the scoop and made things happen on the hill.

You know your kids better then any "trained" professional stick with it.


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Hello -

I have a good new update. After leaving a message for the Director of our Irvine School District ( who happend to be one of our old principals who knows my kids and I didn't realize it), she then called our principal and told her to contact me and change Katie's classroom. This message was on Friday so when I made my appointment Monday morning to speak with the principal armed with the psychological reports/testing from the twinslaw web site, the principal was aware of my reasons. She stated she was worried for Ryan that he might not be willing to be the "helper" for Katie and I said quite the opposite. He has such sympathy pains for her when she cries that he cries too. He is happy to have Katie in his class.

The principal needed to check the class numbers and called me later yesterday to say Katie could change to Ryan's class - there was one opening there. So tomorrow will be her first day in the new class since I kept them all home with a cold the past two days.

The important information that came out in the meeting is that there is NOT really a POLICY for the Irvine District they just go by what they think is best - separation. They really want kids to try the class for 1 month before even talking about a new class. They even told me they thought she was having separation anxiety from me and not Ryan. This was all said in first grade. (crazy)

Luckily we are now set on a good track for third grade. I would advise any other moms out there not go give up on the school and pursue your child's needs earlier. I wish I would have been more forecefull and called the district office in first grade now. Although at the time I felt they were not going to help me either.
Plus, the old principal I knew was not named the "director" yet at that time so things may have come out differently, who knows.

Thank you for all your input, I appreciate everyone's advice.

Jamie

Congrats, Jamie! Irvine?? You're close by!

It really irritates me that people who don't have multiples take it upon themselves to simply decide what's best.

Thanks for the update!

Cat w/3 Kittens
Caidan, Carina and Caeleigh
Born at 31 weeks, 1/8/04.