I don't post very often anymore. So I am hoping that I can get some response from you ladies that have been there done that so do speak. Anyways, my girls will be 6 in March and in the last month or so it has been impossible to get them to listen to me. My dh isn't usually around bc of working 12 hr days, so it's just me doing all disciplining. They fight nonstop, pushing, hitting, punching, whining, tattling, just basically trying to hurt one another as fast as they can before getting told on. From the time they get up in the morning, which is an hr before they are supposed to be awake, just to play or fight, till they get home from school and continue this until bedtime. I am exhausted from yelling, constant corner times, constantly seperating them. I have even started to ground them from things. The punishment works at the time of the occurance but then they go right back at it again. My throat is sore when they go to bed, this morning I was up at 615 yelling already. All 3 are still in the same room together, and will not seperate from one another, and that is fine with me. But come on if they keep this up I will have to seperate them.
Their mouths have also got them into trouble to many to count. Them constantly telling me NO, not doing what they are being told what to do, they do it when they feel like it. I feel like I am being run out of my own house and I am losing control of my 3 little girls that used to listen to me just fine. It seems like they are out of control!
This post seems more like a gripe than a plee for help I guess. But I am asking for all those who have been there with your 6 yr olds, I need to know if this will pass also? Or if I am in for more trouble!



Nicole
My 3 little ladies,
Brynn, Taylor, & Shelby
36w, 3/22/04

Nicole

I hear your frustration! It is tough when they are at each other constantly. I have found a few things impact these times -

- when I feel more stressed/tired, I am less firm and consistent (may yell - but that is out of control - not firm)

- when they are together too much and just need space from each other.

- When there is some dynamic changing with them (ie- one feeling like other is better at something, or one is trying to separate a bit more or any dynamic like that)

I can imagine your dh being gone has got to be a big stressor - and even if it is not new, it must impact your sense of security in your parenting (we get worn down more easily when someone isn't there to balance us out/share the burden). If you haven't already, you might want to consider posting some basic rules on the fridge (visual reminders help) - have them participate in the development of this since it is their relationship with each other. You could say - when they fight #1 consequence happens, then consequence #2, then #3 - increasing severity each time. Also could do a reward for a week or day with cooperation.

I had my guys do a "good deed bead" jar at that age - when someone does something good (chore, says something nice..)ANOTHER person puts a bead in the jar. This helps them be invested in each other doing well -not tearing down. Then when the jar is full (it is a family jar - they do not have their own jars), the whole family does something fun (movie, bowling...something special).

My guys are older and I just started a family journal. Took a 5 subject notebook and each family member has a section. When you want to write something kind or whatever about someone, you go to their section and write it. Then if someone is having a bad day, they can read their section and get a boost! Just started so we will see how it goes.

Good luck!

Suzanne
BBB 4/00

Thanks for the response. I am going to have to try using the board again, maybe they will understand it better now that they are older. Maybe this will get thru to them about their own actions. Last night my one dd pushed her other sister into the hutch, so she was put into the corner. Twenties minutes later getting ready for bed and she slapped the same sister. Back into the corner and then I took snack away before bed. Still not really understanding why. I could see it on her face that she didn't get why, even though I explained to her again why. She did though understand that she was not getting her snack, as she loves her bedtime snack. I don't know we will see how it goes. Trying to stay positive and hoping that something works.


Nicole

My girls are only 4.5, but this sounds like my house! The common theme...my dh is gone ALL OF THE TIME! He is gone about 2 weeks a month, and then plays catch up at the office whenever he gets home from a trip...12+ hr days. The behavior detriorates the longer he's gone. On good days he's home by 5:30 for dinner and baths...

I don't have an answer, but I feel your pain. I get tired of being the constant disciplinarian. Constantly yelling, putting girls in time out, separating them, threatening them, taking away toys, etc. I get NO for almost everything I tell them to do, and sometimes I feel like I speak in a foreign language for all that they listen.

If anyone comes up with a good solution, I'm all for it!

Alice

GGG born 9/3/05 at 35w3d

Hi,

Yes, constant squabbling is no fun. Try not to be the referee. Here's a little reminder list for you to try to keep in mind. It's not specific to sibling fighting, it is discipline in general. I have found some of the things useful if I can remember in the heat of the moment.
http://tripletconnection.org/triplet_forum/user_files/5780.txt

Try not to overreact to any incident. And remember it's a long-term issue. It is not going to be solved in one fell swoop, it's going to get incrementally better. Try to focus on building positive interactions: gifts, favors, tiny generousity.
Best wishes

Nancy

mom to beautiful BBG triplets, born February 2002 at 33 wks, 4 days

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Attachment #1, (txt file)

Sorry the attachment is messed up and not very useable.

The book it was from is 'Please Don't Sit on Your Kids,' by Clare Cherry.

1. Anticipate trouble. Consider the ages and personalities of your children to guess their likely responses to situations and people. You can control the physical environment to minimize stress.

2. Give gentle reminders. Demeaning children or nagging them into oblivion doesn't work. Instead, reminders may be just one word, such as "helping" or "waiting", or even a nonverbal nod of the head ("yes, that's okay"), or shake of the head ("no, not now).

3. Distract the child's attention from what she's doing to a positive model. Compliment one child on a positive behavior, and see how quickly a sibling will want that positive attention as well. (Use this one sparingly and carefully, to avoid creating sibling issues.)

4. Inject humor. A note of humor (not sarcasm) can interrupt a deteriorating situation. Remember, this is laughing with children, not at them.

5. Offer choices. When possible, offer children choices that are acceptable to you. Freedom to make choices makes it more likely that children will cooperate, as well as learn to make good decisions.

6. Give praise or compliments. Sincere praise, not over-used, reinforces those behaviors that you enjoy in your child.

7. Offer encouragement. Related to praise, this is another way of giving your children respect for what they are attempting to accomplish at their own level, not in comparison with others, and helping them learn to overcome obstacles.

8. Clarify messages. Leave no room for misunderstanding, and make sure you have children's attention before using language that they can understand.

9. Overlook small annoyances. Otherwise known as, don't sweat the small stuff. If you find yourself getting annoyed frequently, ask yourself whether this situation is indeed worthy of a battle.

10. Deliberately ignore provocations. This method can gradually eliminate an undesirable pattern of behavior. By giving no kind of reinforcement to annoying behavior, eventually those behaviors will disappear, particularly when you are careful to give children specific attention during times of acceptable behavior.

11. Reconsider the situation. Nothing is set in concrete. Reconsidering decisions can foster sensible handling of potentially difficult situations or conflicts.

12. Point out natural or logical consequences. Help young children see the connections between their actions and the results of their behavior. When these behaviors and results are presented as a means of explanation, not as a moral judgment or punishment, consequences help children see the sense in acting in a certain way.

13. Provide renewal time. Notice that this is not the punitive isolation of "time out," but an opportunity to calm down, renew themselves, and regain composure.

14. Give hugs and caring. Frequent demonstrations of caring provide an atmosphere in which children just want to behave well.

15. Arrange discussion among the children. This is a big topic we'll need to go back to soon, but for now understand the idea that children need help in communicating with other children to solve their problems.

16. Provide discussion with an adult. In avoiding power struggles, clear communication is important.

Nancy

mom to beautiful BBG triplets, born February 2002 at 33 wks, 4 days

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It may be that what your children are going through is completely normal but I wanted to mention ODD. One of my dds has this mildly and changing her diet and eliminating things like artificial colors/flavors, preservatives nitrates in meats and HFCS have made a difference for her. It was like she did not "get it" when I would scold her and she almost purposely seek out bad behavior. Here is a website that talks about ODD:
http://www.aacap.org/cs/root/facts_for_families/children_with_oppositional_defiant_disorder

Other than that I could see having your spouse away so much could make a difference in that type of behavior as well. I am sorry you are having to deal with this so much alone.

Best of luck to you and hopefully this phase will pass soon.
Happy

Mine fight a lot! But I have noticed if there are just 2 of them they seem to get along much better. But I really don't want to get rid of one of them!
I remember growing up that my brother and I fought ALL the time. But that was us - no one else could mess with him or I went off on them. I am hoping that mine will be that way! So as long as no one gets hurt I try to let them work it out them selves. It seems like the less I get in it the less they fight.
My mom tells me that atleast they do it at home and behave for the most part when we go some where, that is something I am glad of!
Melissa

Melissa
mom to Abbie, Andy & Levi
November 11, 2005
34 weeks 5 days

http://benefieldtriplets.blogspot.com/

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