Hi All - Would really love your input on this:
Our 7 year old trips currently attend a wonderful private school. They have made lots of friends on their own, my DH and I really love the school, and the parents. HOWEVER -
Next year, we just found out, due to the economy and a drop in enrollment, there will be only one 2nd grade. Like most triplets, mine are very competitive, on all levels. This year there were 2 classes and we divided them up, B/BG and it worked out great. Before the news came out about the school only having one 2nd grade next year, we asked the children, "Who wants to be in their own class next year?" Their collective, enthusiastic response, "I do!"... And I must add, these are kids who all had sep anxiety from age 3-5. Now, they make friends easy and have great self-esteem.
I've done a lot of research on triplet identity/growth etc. and it is so important to keep them separate if possible. Should we find another school? Should we keep them there one more year and then change schools?
Going forward at this same school, with the economy slow to rebound, it's likely there will always be one class until middle school.
What would you do?
Frustrated,
Camille

Camille~

If you love the school and everything is going well, I would stick with it.

Do you really forsee a lot of issues if they would all be in the same class? Do you think the competition would turn unfriendly and cause hurt feelings and problems at home?

Our girls are only 5 and one of the things we liked about our school was their multi-age classrooms; they would be in the same room, but working at their own ability levels.

Right now, being in the same room is working for us because A. It's so early in their school career. B. They pretty much have the same friends. C. They're working at their own pace.

Could you ever suggest to their teacher to give supplemental work to one or all of your kids who may need it to keep them challenged?

Have you asked your kids what they would think about being in the same class? They might surprise you with their excitement.

Lisa

Thanks for your response Lisa.
I have gone back and forth with all the pros and cons on this. I asked them today about how they would feel being in the same class next year and they exclaimed in unison, "no way" (!). . . (yikes!)....
And I do think competition at school would cause bad feelings at home. They are always keeping tabs on how each other did on tests, etc.
Right now I love how excited they are to be together at the end of the day, and I don't think it would be the same enthusiasm after spending the whole day together. I can see them getting on each others nerves.
I think my next step is to meet with their teacher for next year and see how he will handle the classroom situation, keeping them challenged, keeping them separated, etc. And then go from there.
Thanks again for your thoughtful reply,
Camille

Camille,

Just a thought from another camp! My bbb trio are currently in first grade in a wonderful private school and have been in the same class since pre-k. We have had zero issues with identity problems, self-esteem, competitiveness, etc. and they are definitely at different academic levels. In our case they seem to enjoy the 'bond' and physical closeness of their brothers in the same classroom, but are in no way dependent on each other. When I visit the classroom, work on the playground, etc. it is rare to see them together. Even the teachers comment on this and think they do wonderfully as individuals. Their current teacher is in total agreement that they should stay together next year in second grade. Interestingly, thinking maybe I was just ramming this down their throats, I asked them in passing last summer if maybe they should each be in a different class. They all looked at me in horror and said a resounding and unanimous 'no'. I, too, have done a fair amount of research on this, and I don't agree that keeping them together is at all harmful. Of course, you know your own children best but in our case this works wonderfully. The triplet bond is a beautiful thing and I'm proud of them for carrying it off so well.

Ellyn and the lucky 13!





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Hi Ellyn,
Thanks so much for your viewpoint. Your boys sound like wonderful, children. It's funny, I was just looking at the website for another private school similar to the one we're at, just east of us, but has a much larger enrollment. It would be such a process getting them settled in at a new school. I know people move and do it all the time, but we are so comfortable at our current school.(Do I hear myself talking myself into staying.) And I agree with you, they are so lucky to be triplets, and to have each other. But I worry about too much togetherness with my three.
The thing is, mine are at the same academic level. They are very bright and constantly keep tabs of who got what grade, who scored what on the math test, etc. They have their own set of friends, yet they love to tattle on each other, my darling daughter mothers one of her brothers. The boys are identical and would greatly benefit being in separate classes.
I think I know we need to separate them, for their best interests, but want compelling reasons to do so!

Anyway, thanks again for weighing in Ellyn. I'll keep you posted!

***I'd love to hear from a Mom who did have the courage to move hers at this grade, and what was the outcome. Were you happy you did in the long run. Anyone?...

"my darling daughter mothers one of her brothers"

That is so weird you say that... I was just reading an article that gives guidelines on when to separate multiples. One of the points talked about how girl "twins" tend to mother their boy counterparts! I never knew that (obviously... I have all girls, so they're ALL bossy, LOL) Strange timing, I guess.

http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_pric/is_199810/ai_3449301798/?tag=content;col1

I have no other help, just wanted to share that with you. Good luck!

Loren
GGG Jan.2005 @ 28wks

Sweetened Taters - http://sweetenedtaters.blogspot.com

Too funny...and what timing! Thanks for sharing that article Loren.

Another thing, too while I continued to think about this dilemma: I think it's all the more you praise them for what they're good at, KWIM? (Not in an overkill way, but you get what I mean.)

What are their hot buttons and what do they individually excel at regarding academics or extra curricular?

This kind of attitude coming from you diffuses the competition a little, IMHO.

My one DD is awesome at art so that's her identity and we try to build her up with that skill.

You get the idea, I'm sure. I think when they love something and excel at it, it kind of diminishes the competition factor. And competition can be fun. If they do love to compete, put a positive spin on it and make it a fun thing.

I really think being in the same classroom is a good thing. I know you've said you read a lot stating the contrary, but I don't know. I really think it can be OK.

Lisa

Lisa- Thanks for your positive approach. You know, we do praise them, probably too much...self esteem is definitely not a problem with these kids. haha
But they still compare and compete for attention and position of "best", which I understand can be healthy, to a point. I guess we are just trying to make the most thoughtful decision possible. And make it at the right time, so that going forward if we do want to separate them we can. We have to also consider that in 5 years this school may not even be open. With the economy the way it is, it may be years for this school of ours to bounce back. It's really sad, because we love everything about it. But a fair % of families are leaving for the good public school system in this area.
So, thanks again. Either way, they'll be getting a good education. We just want, like you and everyone here in this forum, what's best for our kids.
-Camille

I would keep my kids together if I was happy with the school, but then I don't believe my triplet's identity/growth will suffer-has suffered by having them in the same class.

My dds have done different combinations: In PreK-same class, Kinder-separate, 1st-same class, 2nd-separate, and now 3rd-separate first half of school year and divided 2 together/1 separate second half of school year. Next year I will do separate again because there are 3 classes, but they might be placed together half-way through the year again (classes are sometimes rearranged mid-year due to state testing).

They've done well every year, separate or together. This school year my two identical dds were in the same class part of the school year, and they didn't even speak to each other, lol. My dds are very competitive with each other, but it's a healthy competiveness that has brought out the best in them. When one dd gets a high grade, it motivates my other dds to try harder.

GL on your decision! -- Gloria

Camille,
This is a tough situation. Especially since they do want to be in separate classes. I am starting to accept the fact that no matter what they will compete. I even remember stiff competition with my sister who was 3 years younger. I think it's just part of the struggle to find one's place in the world.

Whether they are in the same or different classes I think that they will have some competition....who reads better, who did a better job on their art project, who can run faster.... Maybe it's better that the school sees that, rather than just leaving you to deal with it all at home. Maybe there are some techniques they could use to help it be a constructive rather than hurtful competition.

After all, they will be in the same grade for the rest of their school carreers. They may as well learn how to deal with it now rather than in middle and high school where so much else is going on.

You should definitely talk to the teacher. How he handles it will really determine how they do. We had a wonderful preschool teacher who is a triplet mom herself. She was very good at helping all 3 of my kids to have a distinct place in the class and making sure they didn't step in for each other......"Beth, I think Laura was telling me the story" rather than letting one take over. They really loved being with other kids and rarely played exculsively with each other. Each had their own friends/group though they were glad to be able to see each other across the room.

Fast forward to this year where I don't think the teacher is really interested in learning anything about multiples. (frankly, I think she has her stubborn "booksmarts" that say they should have been separated and she's gonna do it within her class since I HAD to have them in the same class) She has really made an extreme effort to keep them at separate table and even separate places in line (one gets to lead, the other has to ALWAys be at the end---making her feel even more like she is less important than her sister) So I guess I'm saying that you should discuss how he will handle it now rather than waiting too long like I did. Hindsight, I should have corrected her long ago.

Multiples do provide a very unique situation and their success in school depends on understanding their special relationships and learning to work with it. Definitely keep the communication going.

I have met twins who rely too much on each other and need to be separated to find themselves socially, but it doesn't sound like that is the case with your trio. I think you will be surprised at how they do in the same class--especially with good guidance from the teacher. Maybe you could find him some articles out there to help teachers who do have mult's in the same class; like highlighting some of the issues that may arise and how to handle them. A lot of it might be stuff a teacher might not think about if they haven't had multiples in the classroom.

Also, I will point out that in my research I did find some research saying that it can be emotionally harmful to separate multiples early in school. Each situation is different, but does require lots of thought on how it should be handled.

Good luck whatever you decide to do,

Andi
g/b/g
6 yo triplets in kindy

Hi Andi - Thanks for your great feedback on this. It is such a tough decision. As you mentioned, talking to the teacher this week will be key. I'll let you know what happens.
Thanks again,
Camille

I would stay in one more year and see how it goes having them all together. Like yours, my kids are ultra competitive. I am keeping them together for 1st grade, but from there, who knows? Mine are super independent, I just worry about the girls competing for friends and all THAT drama.

My explicit instructions this year was to keep them separate in class. I volunteer a lot and if given the chance, there would be some monkey business going on if they were right by each other. They are just too familiar with each other and would think nothing of touching each other, or even walking in on each other in the bathroom. I've seen them do it. Teachers keep them away from each other for a reason. Trust me on that one. I would make sure the teacher knows that even though they are in the same class, you do not want them sitting by each other or in each other's group.

Michele
Sarah, Gregory, Amanda
born 1/22/04 at 35w1d

Our surprise baby Austin born 06/15/2005

www.fourtimesthefun.blogspot.com

Camille
I just wanted to add my thoughts from what we have experienced so far. We did a 2/1 split for K, then switched to a larger school for 1st to allow them to have seperate classes. I have never come across a situation where an adult has compared my kids. We certainly don't, and have always told them what they are doing well at as individuals. We have always tried to help them see that they are individuals with unique strengths and talents. My DD was the only one that struggled with independence due to being very shy. She wanted the boys to do all her talking and wouldn't try to make friends (in pre-school.) She still struggles but has come a long way! The boys have always been very independent, and outgoing. They could play together easily or off on their own with different friends. The only thing that mattered was *what* they were playing, not who they were playing with.
I think some people believe it is the adults that compare kids and not the kids themselves, but as they have become older I see that it is somewhat natural to compare yourself to your siblings. Both my boys are outgoing & somewhat athletic and all three do great in school, however I have one that tends to out-shine the others without really trying to hard. Last summer I saw Jacob give-up on baseball because he could see all on his own that his brother was much better. It broke my heart to see him at the games, by the end of the season you could just see that he wasn't even trying anymore. He didn't even want to play in a different league without his brother this year. Jacob also couldn't celebrate his own success in his classroom last year when he earned the most AR points in his class. I told him what a great job he did and he should feel proud of himself and his comment back was to tell me how many points Daniel got. I think Rebecca has some buffer from the comparison since she is a girl and doesn't care about sports, but they all know how the others are doing in class. I only talk about grades one-on-one, but they ask each other.
Just something to think about, even in seperate classes siblings know what the others are doing. It may not be too much of an issue yet but know your kids and just be aware of it. I knew it could be an issue but never really saw firm evidence of it in any of the kids until 3rd grade.

Shell~
B/B/G 1/7/2000

I think you'll run into this issues with any activity they do as a group. I home school my children and I see firsthand the competition that creeps in now and again. I do my best to make sure they each get an equal chance to shine and talk the other one down off the edge when her feelings gets hurt because she’s not feeling like the super star at the moment. They tend to have less of a complex with other teachers then they do in front of me. It's hard on a little person emotionally when they feel slighted, heck it's hard on me at times and I logically know better. We all have this desire to do our best and what a great quality. As parents we just explain (and explain and explain and oh yeah explain how we all have special gifts and that we are different so our gifts will not always be the same and that's okay. Really.).

So with that said when my children attend an extracurricular class like music and they share same tutor I pulled the teacher aside and told her we do not expect the same talent from each child just because they are triplets. Teach he/r not push one to be something they are not because their sibling is. As a team we help each of my children to grow their own talent and not make them feel less than if they aren't excelling in comparison to their sibling.

Good luck.