Long ago, back when my kids were 2, we put Meredith in a separate classroom from the other 2. This was for maybe 6 weeks (we had just moved here, and were living in a 700 sq ft apt, and so they went to full-time daycare until the school year started). M was completely traumatized by this. To this day, she is constantly "taking roll" and gets nervous when one of her siblings isn't in eyesight.

This year, we put Camille (who depends on the other 2 to answer for her even when she knows the answer) in a separate AWANA classroom. This is just one evening a week, and they are together maybe 50% of the time and in their indiv classrooms 50% of the time. (Camille NEEDS to be separated - she CAN do a lot of things, but finds it much easier to get a sibling to do it all for her. We thought this would be a good chance for her to gain a little self-confidence.)

It has totally thrown M for a loop. They have been doing this since Sept, and I kept thinking she would get used to it. And it has just gotten worse and worse.

It has turned into real anxiety for M. She cries at the drop of a hat (not just on AWANA days - every day). She panics about going to school (even though she loves it and is always very happy coming home). She is constantly twisting her hair (her nervous twitch) and questioning me about the schedule. She is suddenly afraid of the dark and doesn't want to go to bed. She won't go upstairs if everyone else is downstairs and vice versa because "it's too scary". She won't dance because she is embarrassed. She won't attempt anything that she isn't 100% sure she can do. She has become very very dependent on the routine and changes rock her world. Altogether my happy-go-lucky kid has become extremely anxious.

I am trying to figure out how to help her deal with this. They will be in the same school classroom next year, with only 16 total kids in the class.

I am an idiot for blindly buying into the "always separate multiples" thing, and doing it WAAAY too early. I clearly underestimated the importance of the triplet bond and the emotional trauma of separating them so early.

This is my lives-to-please child - I don't think she is manipulating me. Also, she is my doesn't-like-affection and needs-personal-space kid, so the extra snuggling I was trying just irritates her!

I have tried talking it through with her, and we just aren't getting anywhere. Her communication skills are a little delayed, and I just don't think she is able to articulate what she needs to feel better.

Any thoughts on how to help her with this?

ETA - both her PT & her OT have commented on it, and the OT even suggested that it might be time for a psych eval.

BGG born 4/25/05 at 31w1d




New baby girl born 9/19/06

Megan, I have to come to like you over the years, even though we have very different parenting styles, so I feel the need to be frank, so here it goes.

I don't think M's lack of confidence has anything to do with being separated from her siblings. I think it has to do with the way you have disciplined them. Just imagine being a little child and never knowing when you might get ambushed or staked for being naughty. I can imagine it would render a person in a constant state of anxiety and fear.

I would not push separating them at all, even if Camille needs it, because they probably find solace in each other and need each other for that comfort. I think M's problem outweighs Camille's for now. You have undermined her confidence by not letting her make decisions and keeping such a tight rein on her. Ease up the reins and let them have some autonomy, and perhaps M will gain back her confidence. Confidence comes from being in charge and making decisions.

Michele
Sarah, Gregory, Amanda
born 1/22/04 at 35w1d

Our surprise baby Austin born 06/15/2005

www.fourtimesthefun.blogspot.com

I would get the psych eval, or some sort of professional involved because of her anxiety issues. I think to blame it on the triplet bond issue because of an experience when she was 2 is a bit of a stretch, especially because there were so many other tramatic changes going on in her life at the same time. It could have been the move, or the baby, or just going to full day daycare that she had a difficult time with, but it really sounds like she is a kid that was pre-disposed to have anxiety issues. It really doesn't matter what the cause of her anxiety is, it is just important to come up with a plan to help her to learn how to deal with it.

Are your kids separated ever? To me, it seems like too much together-ness could be preventing her from learning how to cope without her siblings. If they are not usually separated, maybe your dh could take a trip to the park with the other kids and you could stay home with Meredith and do other activities and talk her through it. Then, 1/2 way through the outing, drive by the park with her to see that the other kids are ok and then continue your time with her. I'm sure it wouldn't be easy, but baby steps... kind of like the approach a lot of parents take when their baby has separation anxiety from mom...leave the room for a couple of minutes, but keep talking to the baby and then returning and praising, and repeat.

I'd be interested in hearing what "experts" say, but I would think it would be really distracting to her and counter-productive to have her in the same class as her siblings. If she is always worrying about what her siblings are doing, how will she be able to concentrate in school? I understand that she will be worried about them if they are in a different class, but maybe the school could set up a plan to have her see her siblings from the doorway, or window when she needs to and then decrease the frequency as time goes on. But, if they were in the same class and it is as bad as you make it sound, she will be forever paying attention to her sibs instead of participating in class and not making any progress toward alleviating her anxiety. Does she have an IEP? This sounds like something that will interfere with her education, if she doesn't have an IEP, you will probably want to keep it in mind if it continues to be a problem in school. Hopefully, your school will have resources to be able to help her out.

Sorry about the rambling, hopefully my post makes sense, I'm too tired to go back and read it all. But, Good luck, I hope that she is able to work through this all very soon.

Kelly
Ben, Jack & Drew 05/28/02
Charlie 07/06/06
Aunt to: Liam, Aidan & Connor 03/05/08
www.outnumberedmommy.blogspot.com

As a mother of a child with a very severe anxiety disorder (and then some!) and as a psychology student, I would second your daughter's PT and OT suggestion. Get a psych evaluation. She is just probably in need of some coping skills that a therapist can help provide. Or if there's another issue involved, it will be uncovered and she can get the help she needs. If you let it continue, Meredith will just be solidifying bad coping mechanisms (hair twirling and crying) that will be harder to change later.

Good luck!

Proud mom to BBB born 09-02-03 @ 32.2 wks
and 13 yr old big brother
and 3 yr old little brother

Megan~

Sorry your DD is having some challenges with anxiety.

I don't have too much to offer except maybe what the PPs' mentioned about a visit to the pediatrician for some more input.

I will tell you, however I can relate to your "personal space" child because I have one, too.

Our dynamic is: 2 EASY children and 1 who likes to push my buttons, but only mine! LOL!

Not sure if this would help, but could you ever take some time to just hang out with her alone? Like a date with Mommy? Even if it's just a trip to the grocery store.

Do you think some alone time with you could help her? You could use this time to have some meaningful talks, too.

Sometimes, I think with the hustle and bustle of life with kids and just taking care of basic needs and homework, that little one on one time doesn't exist very often.

My button pusher child doesn't like to cuddle (only on her terms), not as clear in her speech as her sisters, likes her alone time (and joins the group when she FEELS like it).

She totally loves when she and I can take off and just be alone together. It makes her happy. Simple as that. It's almost like she's irked she has siblings let alone being a triplet!

Can you look into a speech class at school? You mentioned that maybe she's just not articulating what she craves and that could very well be a big part of her frustration.

Lisa

More food for thought. You know how you've always made them accountable for each other's behavior? Maybe she's always freaking out and keeping tabs because she's afraid her siblings might be doing something wrong, and she'll get in trouble for it.

Michele
Sarah, Gregory, Amanda
born 1/22/04 at 35w1d

Our surprise baby Austin born 06/15/2005

www.fourtimesthefun.blogspot.com

I Googled "psychological damage raising Godly tomatoes" and came up with this:

"The page also promotes a concept known as "tomato staking"--in essence, not allowing a child "not to be trusted" to have any privacy whatsoever and requiring them to be within a three-foot radius of the parent. Among other things, the site does not specify an upper age limit for this; among other things, the page describes the "tomato staking" of a ten-year-old child, and also promotes tactics used in "discipling and shepherding" cell-groups for raising kids. (Yes, we're talking the same tactics now known to change basic personality types in grownups--and may well permanently warp little kids exposed to this.)"

If I were you, if you take her in a psych evaluation, I would let the psychologist know what you have been doing at home.

http://dogemperor.newsvine.com/_news/2010/02/19/3921411-dominionism-and-child-abuse-part-2

Michele
Sarah, Gregory, Amanda
born 1/22/04 at 35w1d

Our surprise baby Austin born 06/15/2005

www.fourtimesthefun.blogspot.com

As I was going to bed last night, I thought to myself "it was probably a mistake to post that - MSTAR will love having an opportunity to pounce on me". Why open myself up? So I guess it's not a huge surprise that *I* am to blame. As always.

BGG born 4/25/05 at 31w1d




New baby girl born 9/19/06

I'm here for you, Megan. You just constantly throw wood on my bonfire. Just try and think about what I'm saying, only if someone more objective wrote it.

Michele
Sarah, Gregory, Amanda
born 1/22/04 at 35w1d

Our surprise baby Austin born 06/15/2005

www.fourtimesthefun.blogspot.com

PS- I am not implying child abuse, I just noticed that link says child abuse. I am trying to say that not all discipline works for all kids. The whole goal of RGT is to create submissive children. Just engage me and tell me how it makes a confident child? I would say your were very successful. But I don't think this was your intention.

Michele
Sarah, Gregory, Amanda
born 1/22/04 at 35w1d

Our surprise baby Austin born 06/15/2005

www.fourtimesthefun.blogspot.com

you may already be doing this, but maybe she needs some good old confidence. I find myself randomly saying throughout the day - you noticed trash on the floor and picked it up, that was helpful. you kept trying at that puzzle- you've got persistence! wow, you thought of another way to try that- that's thinking outside the box! they love hearing nice things about themselves and that I've noticed the good things they're doing. I try to vary the adjectives. At the very least, I guess I'm building their vocabulary perhaps comment 'this was not in our schedule today. how flexible you are.' I would avoid any and all negative comments around her (shy/anxious/worried/scared/nervous) and really stretch to find something positive. my son struggles with handwriting, so one day it was just 'that d you made is on the line and the right size.' everything else on the page was ignored.

do you have any stories you can tell Meredith about when she was a baby/toddler and things she did (ex music class/rhythm/dancing). my kids love to hear stories about themselves. for example, my one son was getting so frustrated with a puzzle one day; he was on the verge of quitting and whining. I pretended I didn't see that and started talking about when he was a baby, he used to enjoy doing puzzles too, and he would keep trying to get a piece in, and got so good at them. and I described the puzzles he did etc. Well, wouldn't you know he started saying 'I like puzzles' and he finished the puzzle he was working on in no time! And ever since, he just keeps plugging away at puzzles because he knows he's good at them. It was like he needed a confidence boost. Just saying 'oh, just keep at it, you'll get it. you can do it' wouldn't have worked. it was having specific references to past examples of what he did well.

does she get to make lots of decisions throughout the day? the older mine get, the more control they seem to need. can she decide what clothes to wear? what to eat (out of two choices maybe?) basically, anything you give her some control over and have her make a decision. our goal is to create unique little people who can think for themselves. there are so many things they have no control over, so I give them what I can. even something like 'hmmm, the light in your bedroom is on' (statement, no judging). it gives them the chance to jump and say 'I'll turn it out' (decision on their part). as opposed to 'you left the light on again, please turn it out.' such simple nuances.

I really like the book 'how to talk so you're kids listen, and how to listen so you're kids will talk' and the forerunner to that 'liberated children, happier family' (something like that). they use great examples and stories.

Mary

born 12/12/04 33w2d

This sounds a lot like my daughter with SI issues and thus slight anxiety. Eval is the answer. Good luck.

Deb
Son, 12
GGB, 10

Megan,

Regardless of the cause of her anxiety, we know 3 things. You have good kids. You love your kids. There is something concerning about her behavior. You are a good enough mother to address it, so give yourself some credit!

The only thing you can do now is get professional help that you TRUST so that when they tell you how to intervene, you won't second guess yourself. It can't hurt to get an evaluation. More than likely, the "cause" is the combination of many things. Kids are very resilient. You have much to be hopeful about.

Susanne

gbg @ 31.6
5/2006

Yesterday as I was prying M off my leg to send her onto the bus, she started talking about "the awful fire noise". I have been talking to her teacher a lot about M's anxiety, and the lightbulb went off in the teacher's head when we mentioned the noise.

Apparently a while back they had two emergency (unscheduled) fire alarms in one day. For the scheduled ones, the 4s and special ed teachers get a 2 minute warning so they can get their kids out before the alarm goes off. But unscheduled - no call, just the alarm like everybody else.

It sounds like the alarm itself is either in their classroom or right outside, and it is so loud that the teacher can't talk to the kids over it more than just giving the basic instructions. Apparently it is ear-piercing, and startled M badly, and she was crying from being startled/scared. She had just calmed down from the first one when the second one went off.

Now I am finding out that some of the other kids have been giving her a really hard time about it ever since. Trying to jump out and startle her all the time, yelling "boo", calling her a baby, etc.

Looking back, the teacher is fairly sure that this about the time when M's issues started. I'm not sure now if she afraid of the alarm, or the other kids constantly picking on her and trying to scare her.

Only one more week of school to go...

BGG born 4/25/05 at 31w1d




New baby girl born 9/19/06

Megan - when my kids were in preschool they had a fire drill one day. One of my boys was fine. The other one - my child that had isssues with SID was totally freaked. After that he would ask every day if they were having a fire drill. He HATED lould noises (unless it was him making the loud noise ).

It makes sense that the fire alarm would cause anxiety.

http://www.brianandcharlie.com/blog
^Alexandra^, Brian, Charlie 07/28/2003
[/

When Austin did speech therapy at the public school, they did a fire alarm on one of his second or third sessions and he was a little apprehensive for about a month and he is tough.

Michele
Sarah, Gregory, Amanda
born 1/22/04 at 35w1d

Our surprise baby Austin born 06/15/2005

www.fourtimesthefun.blogspot.com

Oh, now I remember. We did a tour of a fire station not too long after that with our multiple's club, then he started thinking firemen were cool. Maybe you could see if your stations do tours?

Michele
Sarah, Gregory, Amanda
born 1/22/04 at 35w1d

Our surprise baby Austin born 06/15/2005

www.fourtimesthefun.blogspot.com

>Oh, now I remember. We did a tour of a fire station not too
>long after that with our multiple's club, then he started
>thinking firemen were cool. Maybe you could see if your
>stations do tours?

That's a GREAT idea! There is a fire station right across the street from the therapy office. I may see if I can take M & E next week while C & J are in therapy.

BGG born 4/25/05 at 31w1d




New baby girl born 9/19/06

Glad you were able to figure out what might have caused her problems. Isn't it funny how a little bit of info can help us figure something out.

At the beginning of school I had a similar issue with my DD. The teacher was getting frustrated with her seeming not to pay attention and playing with her hair instead. It finally dawned on me that this was a habit she was doing because she knew she shouldn't suck her thumb at school.

Once the teacher understood what was going on, she didn't see it as such a disrespectful thing to do and they are getting along better.

Andi