My three girls are in first grade, and on Monday Kara stayed home from school sick. Today Cassie told me that at lunch on Monday, a girl in Kara's class was making fun of Kara and "being really mean about her". Cassie was in tears telling me the story. I tried to ask what specifically this girl said, but she won't really tell me. I tend to believe her, based on how upset she was, that this girl truly was being mean.

I'm just feeling so new to all this type of grade school drama, and to be honest, I'm trying to find the right things to say to Cassie about the situation. Can you help me out? I've told her that this girl was not very nice to do that, and she doesn't need to be friends with someone who is not nice because there are plenty of other girls who are nice that they can be friends with.

I don't feel like I've addressed it enough with her. I feel like I need to pull her aside and have more of a talk about it - what should I say????

Thanks!

Angie
GGG 5/13/04

When my kids talk about other being mean, we use it as an illustration of knowing which friends we might want to choose. I sometimes ask what they did during the incident. We also talk about how being a bystander is often just as bad as being the mean one. But that it takes courage to speak up for someone who can't speak up for themselves.

If your conversation went that way, I would try to make Cassie understand that it was OK that if she didn't say anything to the mean girl, because that is the most difficult choice. But I'd try to role play what she could possibly do if it happens again. This will help when it's not about her sister, as the drama only gets worse.

I would also discuss with Cassie whether or not it would be a good idea to share with Kara. Does she want Kara to be aware that this girl is a mean girl so she knows to stay away? Or would it hurt her feelings a lot more to know? It's a great opportunity to teach her empathy and to prepare her for things that will come up in the future.

The fact that she was upset about someone being mean to her sister behind her sister's back shows how much she really does care for her. When my kids do something like that, I make sure to tell them how much I appreciate them understanding the importance of family. Even if we do fight over Pop Tarts, we still know what's important.

MonsterMom6
10 year old ^b^ b twins @ 30w5d (1 survivor) and
8 year old gggg quads @ 32w0d

I say prep your girls now. I am a HS counselor. My sister is a first grade teacher (on the campus my Kindy kids attend). The drama starts in K and goes all the way through HS!!!

Give the tools to help them know how to respond. My kids know FAMILY first and you need to speak up if anyone is being mean. Power in numbers. I told them to play with everyone, be nice to all, but if someone is mistreated you or a sibling, then they are not a friend.

I also tell my kids that the more those mean kids are mean, the fewer frineds they will have. I have explained to my kids if they continue including everyone and having an open friend policy rather than an exclusion type policy they will be better off. Some of my dd friends often tell her they are her best friend but she can't be best friends with anyone else, her brothers or other classmates. I talk to her about this. Girls always seem to want to start cliques right away and I don't want my dd involved in that behavior. I give her ideas on how to respond appropriately to that kind of pressure from other girls.

I am very proactive with these types of conversations because I think I am around the school scene so much working in a school setting.

BW!

Agapi

Proud Mommy of
Kaden, Rowen, Kai
BGB 03-22-05

Angie,
That's a really tough one. My three are in 1st grade also. It amazes me what goes on already at their age. I think you really just have to use it as an example of how to be a good/bad friend. I think the best thing to do is talk to her about feelings that this situation brought up.

Girls can be mean sometimes, I just don't remember it starting so early. One of the problems I've run into already is that one day they may be enemies and the next friends. I do try to kind of keep a mental tab running as to who they are friends or not with.

Just today on the way home mine were talking about one girl in their grade. L didn't like her because she had been mean to her once. E said she was a good friend to her. Guess she's just not everyone's cup of tea. IMHO I think this girl is just a bit on the spoiled side and enjoys getting things her way. E can handle that but L can't.

I worry that having 2 (or more) girls in the same grade will make the cliques and drama worse. I agree that you have to stress that family comes before friends. Not sure how to handle someone trash talking their siblings....hard to speak up without giving the trash talker more power and I doubt that she would be allowed to move to another table in the middle of lunch. Maybe you could role-play and see what Cassie comes up with.

Good Luck,

Andi
g/b/g
triplets in 1st grade

Angie~

I feel your pain. I swear all I do is have little speeches with my girls. It's all about arming them with some powerful words. Empowerment!

Nothing chronic is going on in their classroom, but they tend to talk about the same kids bugging them and saying mean things.

I can't believe this happens in Kindergarten!

One little girl, who is pretty as can be, did some loser sign to my one DD! Like put an "L" on her forehead! I'm like: Is this really happening with 6 year olds?!? I'm actually a little pissed at that story and I may bring it up to the teachers.

Anyway. I've been telling them some sentences to use:

Keep your hands to yourself!
Be nice!
That's not very nice.
I don't like it when you...
If you keep doing that, you're not going to have any friends.

I don't want my kids to be meek, but I don't want them to be obnoxious either.

Yeah, I can't believe the drama already. And I find myself having DAILY lectures on how to behave, how to treat others and sticking up for each other and themselves.

Lisa

You all are awesome! I'm so glad I have other moms to turn to for help. I'm going to sit Cassie down and talk to her tonight. You've helped me know what to start with - thank you so much!

Angie