I know this is a board for our multiples and I am not sure if this is the right place to post this. We have 4 children. Our triplets (BGB) which will be 2 next month and a 4yo boy.

I am sure other families with more than just multiples have had this problem and I need help!! I got pregnant when Hunter was 2 yo. I was very sick, in and out of the hospital and on bed rest most if not all of my pregnancy. Before this it was just me and my son at home and the world revolved around him. Daddy worked 8 hours and on the road for 2 hours. So we spent a lot of time together. He had his ABC's memorized and much more before 2. When I was pregnant he bounced back and forth btw me, my mom and a friend of the family. Once we had the triplets he was 2 and a half. He spent his day with our family friend and her son of the same age so that I could care for the babies around the clock on my own for the first 8 months. Next we moved to a larger house and closer to my mom for support.

Hunter is a super smart kid. He loves his siblings and has been so good to them and always played with them at their level. So until recently all he could do was act silly and making them laugh. Now they can run around together and he wants to be a triplet, looking up to them. Over a year ago we put him in a pre-preschool program, which was ok but turned out to be more of a day care which is what he had at home. He was already showing signs of reading and now reads and loves math proficiently. This school year we placed him in a full time preschool program at a prek threw 8 grade catholic school. Since he is so used to playing at a level for the babies or working on workbooks and reading he is having a hard time adjusting to school and no one can see or will spend time to see how smart he is. I know everyone says how smart their kids are. So when he is acting so inappropriately for his age level I can see how one would think I am just a boasting mom. Yes he is just 4 BUT since he is so bored and he has no issues other than despising coloring the next 2 years of school are looking so scary. Plus he is always in trouble for acting out. What should I do?

Secondly I call this post the "other" child because the world just seems to ignore him. My heart is so broken. We go out and all everyone sees is the triplet stroller and the triplets. I always introduce him first and talk about how amazing he is and what a great job he does. People will ignore him and everything I say and just stare at the triplets and ask all kinds of dumb questions. He is always the other kid and even with the triplets they would rather spend their time together than include him. I can't explain how bad I feel because I too have a hard time with this. The triplets just take so much time right now I feel like I ask him to wait and the triplets this and the triplets that. I want to see him happy and feeling successful like he once shined. How at 4 can I already feel like I am failing him.

I worry so much about him, I cry all the time thinking about it, and just feel overwhelmed. He is such a great kid and so smart but I see him wearing down. I feel guilty that I have done this to him even though I love our family just the way it is. I am sure you can tell my thoughts are all over but it has been months and months now and I just feel so lost in what I can do.

If you have any thoughts or ideas please help.

It sounds like you have a very smart, very sensitive and loving 4-year old. Kids are amazingly resilient, so do not feel like you have ruined his life. He has loving parents who are trying to give him as much attention as possible and make him feel important. He has three siblings who adore him - he is their hero, hands down.

I am sorry that people ignore him on outings. We have been very lucky that most strangers aknowledge my older two and what good helpers they must be (which they are). But you are absolutely doing the right thing by introducing him and boasting about him to these people. He hears what you say and that matters a lot.

Try and spend as much one-on-one time with him as possible. On the weekends or in the evenings, one parent takes care of the triplets, one does something special with Hunter. My kids get the choice of going to the store with me in the evenings (yeah, not a great excitement, but it's one-on-one time and they can get a treat). My husband tries to take them to movies, I take them out to eat etc. You could also enlist a family member/close friend to be his 'special person' that he gets to do fun things with.

Lastly, full-time preschool might not be his cup of tea. Most preschools do not focus that much on academics but on crafts, fun activities and on socializing. Cutting him back to just a few hours every other day might make it more enjoyable for him?

Petra
DS 08/02
DD 05/04
BBG 05/09 32.1 weeks

can you just keep at home with you instead for awhile more? and use the money that his school costs for a sitter/mother's helper instead? perhaps that will allow you to spend more time with him during the day and let the sitter care for the triplets for an hour or two. and yes, one-on-one opportunities at night or on the weekends are wonderful. my kids love them, even if it is grocery shopping.

and if you're all out (including your dh), can you use a double and single stroller instead of the triple? the triple really stands out and people aren't as quick to put the others together; it may be a little less gawking.

Mary

born 12/12/04 33w2d

>
>Secondly I call this post the "other" child because the world
>just seems to ignore him. My heart is so broken. We go out and
>all everyone sees is the triplet stroller and the triplets. I
>always introduce him first and talk about how amazing he is
>and what a great job he does. People will ignore him and
>everything I say and just stare at the triplets and ask all
>kinds of dumb questions.


Who cares about the feelings of strangers - validate your son at their expense. If they start the conversation, they are stuck with it.
- are those TRIPLETS?
- yes, and this is their awesome big brother Hunter!
- so how old are the triplets?
- they are two, and Hunter here is 4.
- so what was it like being pregnant with triplets? I bet you were huge!
- yep - thank goodness I had Hunter. I was so worried about him, but he was such a trooper!

As for school, I think I would schedule a conference with the teacher (by phone if necessary) to be sure she understands that you are concerned about his social skills due to his home environment, and ask that she focus on that. And I would ask her how he compared to his peers in all areas (social, fine motor, academic, etc.) Honestly, from what I have seen at my kids' preschool, he does NOT sound unusual! Of the 8 boys in my kids 4 year old class, my son is the only one who can sit still at all. And he's a year older than the other kids in class (we held them back a year). A year makes a big difference!

BGG born 4/25/05 at 31w1d




New baby girl born 9/19/06

>The triplets just take so much
>time right now I feel like I ask him to wait and the triplets
>this and the triplets that. I want to see him happy and
>feeling successful like he once shined. How at 4 can I already
>feel like I am failing him.
>
>I worry so much about him, I cry all the time thinking about
>it, and just feel overwhelmed. He is such a great kid and so
>smart but I see him wearing down. I feel guilty that I have
>done this to him even though I love our family just the way it
>is. I am sure you can tell my thoughts are all over but it has
>been months and months now and I just feel so lost in what I
>can do.
>

YOU have to validate him every chance you get. Include him in everything you possibly can, thank him profusely, tell him how lucky/blessed you are to have such an awesome son, etc. Give him quick hugs & surprise kisses every time he does something to help you. Let him know what an important member of the family he is, and how you couldn't do it without him! When his siblings smile at him, be sure you comment to him about how they love him so much b/c he is such an awesome big brother. When they need help with something and he knows how to do it, send the younger kids to him instead of helping yourself. Create opportunities for him to spend time with just one sibling, while the other two are together, even if they are in the same room. (I.e. - two playing with Legos, two working puzzles - work as a team, no switching teams until time is up! Two gingerbread houses - two kids work on one, two on the other. Etc.).

BGG born 4/25/05 at 31w1d




New baby girl born 9/19/06

>
>I worry so much about him, I cry all the time thinking about
>it, and just feel overwhelmed. He is such a great kid and so
>smart but I see him wearing down. I feel guilty that I have
>done this to him even though I love our family just the way it
>is. I am sure you can tell my thoughts are all over but it has
>been months and months now and I just feel so lost in what I
>can do.


I think you are looking at this all wrong. Look down the road 20 years. Hunter had a world that revolved around him. What do you think his personality would be like? Do you think he would be a little self-centered? Do you think that would serve him well in a job? In a marriage? As a dad?

He now has siblings. Yes, he has had to learn that the world does NOT revolve around him. It's not an easy lesson. He is learning to be a valuable contributing member of the family, rather than the center of it. Personally, I think that is a much healthier way to grow up! As long as he knows he is valued, he will be just fine!

BGG born 4/25/05 at 31w1d




New baby girl born 9/19/06

My friend had a similar problem. She has triplet boys and dd who was 3 when they were born. Her dd felt left out, and my friend struggled with issues relating to this for a few years.

What my friend did was to have a lot of playdates and sleepovers for her dd. She and her dh also spent one on one time with her to try to make her feel special. Naturally, they also constantly reassured her that she was a significant member of the family and a great big sister. It took some time, but her dd eventually got passed this stage. Now, at age 13, she loves hanging out with her brothers and has no residual negative feelings towards them from when she was younger.

I think it's sometimes tougher when you're the older sibling of multiples as opposed to being a younger sibling. Another mutual HOM friend had her singleton dd a few years after her triplet boys, and she hasn't dealt with issues like our other friend.

I had 2 older dds when my triplet dds were born, ages 3 and 20 months old. Since my dds had each other to play with, my older dds didn't feel left out the way my friend's dd did. It did take my older dd a while to adjust from being the only child to having 4 sisters, though.

GL! -- Gloria

Thank you everyone for your advise. Hunter got a virus at the end of last week and ended up in the hospital for 3 days. Thankfully he is home, happy and all better. Crazy how it puts so much in perspective. Plus all the great words of wisdom and we are putting many things in place. Thank you again.