We had an incident tonight at the Parent's Night Out with ds6. He pushed his sister, apparently hard enough to do a face plant on the floor. She was crying, he was told by the teachers/sitters to apologize to her. Instead he threw an all out tantrum and refused to do ANYthing- even threw his shoe at one of them. They had to call us.

As soon as they told me on the phone what happened, the pushing and request to apologize, I could envision his behavior exactly. because we have seen that same reaction before in both him and his brother. They do not like to be wrong. They do not like to apologize. Not even when they know they will lose privileges or be punished for their behavior. (whereas if they would have just apologized, it would have been over; it doesn't make sense.)

I know a lot of parenting books say an apology shouldn't be forced/required. At home, we'll often just have them ask 'what can I do to make you feel better?' and have them make sure the other is alright. They usually end up having to do another's chore. But I can definitely see where they should be able to apologize (ex. when they're out in public and someone is expecting it). I have no idea what the hangup is with it. And they can't tell me either; I've asked. It's not always the case; they can and have apologized at various times. But it's happened enough now that it is a problem.

Any ideas on how to handle?! Should we practice scenarios? read books about apologizing? (if so, what are some?) What?! I have no idea how to improve this. It seems like they get totally out of control and don't know how to handle themselves; it just totally blows out of proportion. How do I teach them to calm themselves down? What are some good anger management tips that work with your kids? Thank you!

Mary

born 12/12/04 33w2d

Mary

born 12/12/04 33w2d

Mary~

That's definitely tough. One of the things I've learned as a parent is my kids have different personalities. My two typically sweet, sweet agreeable, easy going children are a dream. Do I take credit for their behavior? Because if I do, then is it my fault that I have one kid who is the strong willed, sometimes difficult kid?

It's hard. Some parenting techniques work for one kid and not the others.

I would definitely take away some privileges and his most loved toys after my speech about the importance of being nice and keeping your hands to yourself. Not to mention, talking about behaving nicely in public. Which is what you've been doing.

I think some tough love is a good thing, too. I have a friend who is the sweetest Mom. Almost too sweet, KWIM? And subsequently, her kids walk ALL over her. She has no control. She's seriously too nice! LOL!

I'm not suggesting you're too nice or you let your kids walk all over you; I'm saying it's good to be Strict Serious Mom during times like these.

I'm sure you let your DS know his behavior was unacceptable. And coming from you with a serious tone with serious consequences will hopefully make him understand.

I've always made my kids apologize; not sure it's all that important, but I do it. I think I would want the kids to realize their behavior needs to improve rather than focus on making them apologize.

I've always tried to remove the child who's acting like a poop. I'll escort her away from everyone and plop her in a chair and tell her to chill. It works for us.

Lisa

I know that my kids can get pretty upset about having to appologize if they feel the other child has gotten away with something. I usually try to talk to them first and then have them appologize once they have gotten to tell their side. (this is usually after having a little time to calm down either in timeout or their room---the quicker they calm down, the sooner we can talk and put it all behind us) Could it be that his sister is provoking him, or at least causing part of the problem but not getting her share of the blame? I know that my son can get pretty frustrated in a war of words because his sisters are so much better at it than him....it has led to a shove every once in a while. I try to correct both of them in that situation. "Yes, he hit you but you also were being mean to him." After all it does take 2 to fight.

Of course, there are times that DS does blow things out of proportion too. The other night he threw a fit for 20minutes about having to do 10 minutes of homework. So it took a half hour away from him instead of 10 minutes. He spent most of that time in timeout. In the end, he still had to do what he was complaining about and had less time to do what he wanted to do.

I am trying to get him to take 10 deep breaths when he's very angry, to give him time to think before he says/does something he might regret later. At 7-1/2 that's still pretty tough for him to grasp.

Good Luck,
Andi
g/b/g
triplets in 1st gr.

Yes, I have one for whom this is very difficult. I've never read the books that say you shouldn't force an apology - I think it is very important for children to learn to take responsibility for their actions - even if the other party is an offeder as well.

I don't know what the answer is other than to continually educate on how their behavior hurt another person - that it isn't an appropriate action, no matter the circumstances. We talk about the fact that people can't help how they feel about something but they can help how they react. Meaning, if his sister made him mad, fine - he can't help being mad, but he hast to find a better way to react to that feeling. Maybe you need to talk about other ways he could have handled himself (ask him and see what he comes up with). If he can't come up with anything then you might suggest walking away, etc.

For what it's worth, my mother cannot apologize either. I think it is weird. She'll do something or say something that is kind of mean and I've called her out on it before and she refuses to apologize. I think for some personalities it is part of their temperment. An apology is a sign of weakness, KWIM?

Wish I had more advice for you - I'm going to have to look up this business about not making kids apologize to see what that's about.

Marie