I am coming here because I have no idea where to go. My kids (almost 6 years old) have very distinct behavior problems that are making learning and education very difficult. These behaviors are present in all learning situations.

1. Learning at home with me
2. In former preschool (when they attended for the last 2 years-the teacher had no idea what to do-we never solved the problem)
3. In their weekly sport practices and games (I pulled them out because their issues were so disruptive. They have not done a sport for 6 months)
4. During piano lessons (1 time a week)
5. During their group Spanish classes (1 time a week)
6. During dance (hip/hop class) (1 time a week)

Problem 1: This has turned into a MAJOR problem!

Only one of my boys has this problem. He lays down, flops down, and refuses to do anything. Lazy does not even describe what he is doing. He just lays down and says he is too tired. (He is not tired. It is an excuse) He does not want to do it. He won't participate in anything.

It is like pulling teeth to get him to sit while we read a book, to kick a soccer ball, for his former preschool teacher to get him to sit at table for an activity, etc... He slumps over at the piano. He slumps and hangs his body with his arms dangling and almost touching the ground in sports, and at dance.

Over and over again I hear his teachers say to him- sit up, get up, stand up, get off the ground, etc... If he does finally sit up or stand he just freezes and won't move. He refuses to do anything! He stands like a statue in dance! He sits like a statue in Piano. He won't participate in learning at home either. (School or home setting-he won't do it) He lays on the ground.

He is an extremely whiny boy. More than normal. He whines ALL day long about EVERYTHING. It does not matter what it is about. He tells me he has to go potty first thing in the morning. I say please use the kids bathroom. WHINE. An hour later I let him use my bathroom-which my boys love. WHINE about using my bathroom and not the kids one. An hour later he has to go potty and I tell him to choose and he WHINES about that!??? He WHINES about getting dressed, about coming to eat, about getting in and out of the car, etc... he WHINES equally the same when we feed him is favorite food or when we feed him something he dislikes. He WHINES when I say lets get ready for the park. He WHINES when I say we are going to bake a cake. What the heck! He WHINES about positive and negative things, activities he likes and activities he hates. He loves to go to grandmas house but WHINES about going outside to get into the car to drive there. He loves the park but WHINES about having to put his shoes on. He WHINES when I put a cool movie on! Maybe he does not want to walk to the tv! I don't know.

ANYTHING that requires effort on his part=WHINE
The whining never stops.

He has had plenty of check ups and there is nothing health wise wrong with him. His body is functioning normally. Plus, he has plenty of energy to run and play and climb outdoors in the backyard and the park. He eats a normal diet, actually better than most kids. Plenty of whole grains and fresh fruits and vegetables and protein.

What is wrong here? The whining plus flopping on the floor during activities that require some effort on his part is getting in the way of his education. He does poorly in a traditional school setting and he is having the same problems while learning at home. I guess I could pull him out of extracurricular activities but what good would that do? He is not overloaded. He learns at home (couple hours in the morning) and has a dance class at a studio once a week, and piano and spanish once a week in our home with teachers that come to us. He would rather be left alone all day long, not bothered at all, and be allowed to do whatever he wants when he wants. He WHINES when I ask him to wipe his feet before coming in from play. Oh my goodness it is driving me insane.

I let him pick his own extracurricular activities and he WHINES about the ones he chooses. I pick a book for us to read and he WHINES. So I say fine, you go pick the dang book. He whines about having to get up and pick the book. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Do you get the picture?

HELP HELP HELP


I will address the second problem with my boys in another post-there will be a part 2

BBB Triplets Born 2003

I know no one has responded yet. That's ok. You all may be as stumped as I am. I found one thing on the internet that may make sense and want to run it by you. Want to see if you have run into similar situations.

My boy that is having these problems is more developmentally behind than his brothers. No one in our family compares him to his brothers. My DH and I try all we can to encourage and praise him and not let him feel like his is behind. But, I think he may notice it on his own.

I found a website that talked about the behavior of kids who are behind their siblings-particular multiples-who withdraw from activities for fear of not measuring up the standards he feels he is not meeting. The behavior this website described sounded just like my son.

I guess coming here and writing it all out helped me to better look at the problem and figure it out.

If you have feedback I would love it. I think I might have to let him pick his own activities, separate from his brothers-an activity they do not do at all, and do his own thing. Something that he can do on his own and not compare himself to his brothers. How do I help him in school (in kindergarten in fall- or at home)? I want him to feel good about his own accomplishments without feeling like he has to measure up or compete with his brothers.

Now that I think about it, he gave up riding his bike the other day because he could not ride it as good as his brothers. He just wanted to go in the house. It makes me want to cry. Poor thing. I am gonna have to spend some mommy time with him on that bike. Just me and him.

I have no idea about what to do about the whining though! Maybe it is all related some how.

I want him to feel like he can do things. I want him to feel good at something. I don't want him to grow up always looking at his brothers and wondering why they are better or faster than him at many things.
He is such a special child. So loving and empathetic. Much more than other kids his age. I need to help him to realize his talents and feel good about himself.

Any thoughts?

BBB Triplets Born 2003

Do you think the whining is a habit, or he is really that unhappy about everything? If he is really unhappy, I would really be working to try to get to the root of the unhappiness. I agree that if he is having self esteem issues, putting him in his own activites sounds like an excellent idea. We have been really trying to do things like that for the last couple of years and I think it has been really positive. I also think putting him in kindergarten is a great place to start. I would also meet with the school to let them know abou the problems that you are having with him. If you school district is any good at all, they should have people trained to work on those type of behaviors. If they continue to interfere with his education, they should get an IEP put together and get him the support that he needs. It is also my opinion that if there are any self-esteen problems, he should be separated from his siblings in school. If his whining is more of a habit, I would talk about it with him and work on it. Lots of reminders...like when he asks what is for dinner. Tell him that you will tell him if he promises not to whine. And, I think this is a good place for rewards. I have one that is trying to cut out some whining and it is tough. I try a lot of reminders (before he whines), lots of praise when he doesn't whine, and some rewards. I feel your pain, the whining really ruins everything.

Good luck!!

I think that putting him in his own activites is a great idea.

Kelly
Ben, Jack & Drew 05/28/02
Charlie 07/06/06
Aunt to: Liam, Aidan & Connor 03/05/08
www.outnumberedmommy.blogspot.com

My very first thought when I started reading your post was to wonder if he is in class with his siblings or separate!

Perhaps you should try separating him for some activities (hard to do for home schooling, though, but you could try it with some other activities!) He can be recognized for his own accomplishments there and built up by whoever is helping him. He won't be competing with faster siblings.

Now, I hate to beat sensory problems to death and 2 of my kids have them so it is near and dear to my heart. However, he *could* be sensory under-responsive. Meaning, it takes a LOT more stimulation to get his engine running at the right speed to participate. This would mean he needs a LOT of stimulation to function at a normal level. Being outside offers a lot of stimulation, so might be why he participates at the park and such.

Kids who are sensory under-responsive move slow and are often labeled slow learners or may even be diagnosed mentally retarded, but they aren't. If you can get them engaged they are quite normal...the trick is getting them engaged!

Some strategies include getting him involved in fast movement before trying to engage him in a task. Sit-n-Spins, swings, mini-trampoline, vigorous walk outside, stretchy exercise bands are all good. THEN start the school or piano or whatever. Avoid sports with a lot of standing around...you want sports with a lot of movement to keep him engaged.

Now, there is another sensory problem called "Postural Disorder". These kids suffer from low muscle tone in the abdominal and upper body. They move slow and tire easily...and he may have trouble planning his motor movements. Therapy can help with this too.

My advise would be to try giving him some very intense stimulation BEFORE getting involved in a learning task and see if that helps at all. You will have to maintain patience and really prod him to get moving, but see if it pays off. Avoid monotonous background noise, use intense colors, make sure his teachers are on the louder/boisterous side of things rather than quiet and reserved. He really may just need a lot of stimulation to "get going."

For sure, I think you have the right to be concerned. It certainly is not "normal" for a 6-year-old boy to be floppy and not want to engage in activities! But I'd look for sensory problems if you've ruled out other physical issues with your doctor.

BBB born 7/26/04 at 35 weeks

I have dealt with similar behaviors with two of my triplets. They have been diagnosed with adhd. The doctor also thinks that one of them might have Oppositional Defiance Disorder(ODD). This is when the child can not control his emotions and is pretty much defiant to anything you ask him to do. If I tell him not to do something, he does it anyway. If I punish him for something, he turns around and does it anyway. Something in the minds of these children tells them not to respond to positive feedback or to listen in general. You can google ODD and get better details on this. Good luck, you are not alone.

Jill
(29wk triplets)
Julia(8-22-96)
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My first thought here was ADHD or ADD. One sign of ADHD is attention/behavior problems in things that don't interest the child, but they can focus on things THEY like without any problems.

One of my trio is diagnosed PDD-NOS and ADHD. He's very high functioning and fully verbal and has had a very bad problem with whining until recently. He started a new school that is specifically for higher functioning autistic children. They have a great discipline tool that has helped get the whining under control at school and at home. At school he has five areas that they expect good behavior. I won't go into all of them, but basically one area includes no whining. If he whines he would get an X and after five X's in one day he would lose his check in that area for the day. If he gets checks in all five areas for the day he earns a school dollar. At the end of the week he can spend his school dollars in the school store.

At the beginning of the school year he had a hard time earning all of his checks, but after a few weeks he got the hang of it and most days he was earning all five checks. After the winter break they stopped allowing five X's and now just one X will lose the check for the day. The students were warned this new rule was coming into play for months so it wasn't a surprise. DS has continued to do well and usually gets all his checks.

I used this same system at home with homework and he earned a treasure box treat when he got through his homework without whining about it. After a month or so he was doing his homework on his own with little to no whining and I no longer need to use the treasure box.

I also use time outs for whining when my trio need a reminder that that behavior is NOT acceptable. This doesn't mean that there isn't whining in my house, but it's a way to get it under control.

I would suggest you take ds to see a pediatric behavioral psychologist. They'll have some good info to give you and possibly suggest medication if it's ADHD related.

Hope this helps.

You have all been very helpful. I got more answers than I thought I would. I have some appointments in the next few weeks and we will be on the way to some answers.

BBB Triplets Born 2003

Could you post the link for the website you found that info--this sounds very similar to my smallest boy--he is by far just as smart as his brothers but tends to fall behind because it's a fight to get him to do his lessons. Things have gotten worse since he's entered kindergarten even though they are in seperate classes--I'd be very interested to look at the info you found.

Thanks