I want to walk out of the room every time my husband is in it. I can't believe I feel so angry at him. I feel like everything he does is wrong. He's too slow at changing diapers, feeding or just plain reacting to anything.

The biggest problem that we have is that we have no help from family, friends or hired help. I told him for months that we were going to need help and he was in complete denial about it. Now he's in shock and we're both overwhelmed by the amount of work it's taking.

I can't seem to find the good in anything about him or our relationship, and I have let him know this. I feel so sad about all of this.

If anyone has any advice I would appreciate it.

I'm hoping that finding your post was for a good reason, as I've never really looked in the Marriage Forum until today. Perhaps it's good for both of us.

Your situation really touches me, because I'm kind of on the opposite side of it. I've been around kids and helped with babies off and on most of my life, whereas my wife never changed a diaper or wiped a runny nose in her life, until our babies came along ten months ago.

It's very easy to understand your inner feelings of anger toward your husband. Especially when he seems to not "get it" when it comes to doing what is needed with the babies. The hardest part to accept, is that some people have to learn to become a good parent.... and to those of us that it comes naturally to, it is very annoying to see our partner not doing things in a natural manner. (I.E. very slow at changing diapers, taking five times longer than necessary to feed or dress a baby, or even to know what needs to be done in the house to make things easier for one another).

Like you, we have absolutely no help whatsoever. My mother-in-law will turn 80 this year, so on the rare event that she is here, it's in reality more of a burden than taking care of the kids alone.

The only advice I can think of (from my own situation), is to try (TRY is all we can do), try to lower our expectations of our spouses. When it becomes irritating for me, I try to remember a couple different things. Even though I didn't grow up in any form of a Christian home, I remember there was a thing on the wall with the Serenity Prayer on it. And I remember the words: "Help me to accept the things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference".

This doesn't take away the annoyance that is caused when you need your husband to hurry up and do something, and you have to wait and wait. But maybe if we try to see things like someone that is looking at our daily life through a glass window (instead of from your perspective or your husband's perspective, and vice versa for me).... we'd see things differently.

There are a lot of horrible dads out there that do nothing with their kids when it comes to changing diapers, helping with feeding, etc. And some not-so-great moms as well, who really don't understand the needs of babies or children.

I have a feeling that you are a great mom, and because of the lack of help except the limited amount that your hubby does.... you're doing it all alone and become exhausted. Then being tired, we tend to become irritated, and day-after-day it is easy to feel as if nobody understands or would even care about our situation.

I'm hoping that your husband is someone that really does try, but simply doesn't grasp the concept (yet) of how important his help is.... especially in doing his part without having to be told what needs to be done each time.

For us, the best thing that has happened is that we came to realize the importance of getting enough rest. During the first nine and a half months of our trio's lives, my wife never had to get out of bed between 10 p.m. and 5 a.m. and I basically taught myself to be more nocturnal. I've been able to get enough rest early in the morning and later in the day.... not as much as one would like of course, but it helps my wife so much. And also, my wife and I both recognized that we both have weaknesses and we need to fill in the gaps for one another. (Example.... I can change all three and have them ready for bed before my wife can do one.... yet when it comes to songs and activities to keep them occupied, my wife is hands-down better than me). We try, as best we can, to help one another in that way, and accept one another's strengths and weaknesses.

Of course there are difficult moments (doing it alone, as you also understand quite well), but we know that we don't have to look very far to find people that are in much worse and difficult situations than ourselves in their lives..... probably someone just down the street.

Sorry to ramble so much and sound so ridiculously optimistic, but I do understand your situation very well, especially the helpless anger that can develop so quickly.... almost as if it comes from somewhere beyond ourself.

I hope everything in your home is much better as time goes on. Your kiddos are worth every bit of the struggle and difficulty now.... one day they'll be old enough to crawl onto your lap and tell you how much they love you. Then it will all be worth it.

Rick

BBG - 2 years and counting

Ok, you can't imagine how much better I feel. It's been six weeks on Wednesday and I think much of it was hormonal.

Although my husband isn't exactly where I want him to be, I agree that I have to just let certain things go. Lowering my expectation was the hardest because I think so highly of him, I felt disappointment. However as a coping skill, when I get frustrated I leave the room and then I don't have to feel bad about saying something I might regret.

I want to thank you and everyone else for posting to my sad cry for help. I was really knee deep when I wrote that and couldn't have felt more lost. Reading all of the positive replies was exactly what I needed.

I will say this. My husband broke down and we hired a friend to watch the babies while we took naps. This was a good start for everyone!!!

Again, thank you. It means a lot to hear your words of encouragement and know that we are not alone.

I would ditto everything that the pp said---although I think that it was better coming from a male perspective! Great response Rick---nice to hear the "other side" from time to time

That said, I have been where you are--mine are only 6 months old and we are finally coming out of the funk that we found ourselves in....

I think that what helped us was to reach out to friends that had offered help--but we had not "scheduled" as we thought that we could make it on our own. Now---even at 6 months...we have a different set of "helping hands" scheduled for each night of the week---for baths/last bottle when we get home from work and are the most mentally and physically tired! Our friends have SOOO enjoyed us letting them into our lives and the lives of the trio----we felt like it was an imposition to ask---they all continually say how lucky they feel to be a part of this journey with us...

Unerstanding that you need help is only half the battle... now you need to get some! Put out the word---it is amazing how responsive people are.....after all....who does not love to hold a baby--or three (especially if they can go home!)

Also--we had to learn that we both deal with the trio differently...neither one of us "right" or "wrong" just differently. And that, too, hs helped. My huband is not that hands on----but if things NEED to get done...he is right there....if I make the NEEDS clear. He is unable to spend all day with the babies---it makes him nuts to feel "unproductive"....but if he has blocks of time...he does much better and enjoys the time with the kids...

He does not do night feeds at all....never did. Truly, that made me SO ANGRY---but I made it through..... And---he let me sleep train them....and never argued about my methods---although I am fairly sure that he was not too keen on the CIO method. He knew that I was the one up---so he supported what I needed to do....

We had to learn to take at least a little bit of every day for eachother---and seriously that may mean 2 minutes....but 2 minutes to reconnect is worth so much at the end of the day....

And finally---we hired some help too---we went to a movie last week-end. WAS GREAT!!! Well...the movie was awful...but the fact that we got out together (with out older daughter) was so great.

Just remember that this time will pass---and quickly.... Ours will be 6 months tomorrow---but it seems like yesterday that we were bringing them home from NICU--- One day at a time....you will make it...... patience....tolerance...and alot of love..... Your kids are counting on you!

Hugs---

Michelle

You are truly in the hardest time with your triplets and I'm not sure what you marriage was like before them, but if it was good, then it will get better. My husband and I had a great marriage before the babies and it defenitely took a toll on us in the beginiing. There were days I felt like I hated him and before the babies he was my best Friend. Part of me thinks a lot has to do with the changes your body has gone through and then add in the crazy amount of stress, sleep depreivation and worrying and it feels overwhelming. You are in survival mode and I'm sorry to say that men just don't handle it as well as women, SORRY MEN! We never really had any help, which was mainly my decision because I didn't want it. I wanted us to do it by ourselves, I still don't regret that decision, because ultimately it prepared me for what the rest of our lives were going to be like and I felt like I fought so hard to get them here and to watch other people take care of them in the hospital for a couple months I couldn't bear the thought of someone else bonding with them instead of me. IMO the help I needed was someone to watch them so me and my husband could go out together and just feel like husband and wife and the friends we were instead of just the sleep deprived parents of triplets. Honestly when we were able to go out in the beginning, I was so tired I barely had a good time, but at least I felt like myself again. I also after a couple months did take some time for myself. I felt like I went through a bit of an identity crisis and taking time for myself really helped. Hang in there this is a big adjustment for both you and your husband and the best thing you can do is try and talk to him about it when your not in front of the babies and listen to what he has to say, too. It was hard but I finally got to a point where I realized he wasn't going to do everything like I did, but that was ok at least he was willing to do it even if I had to ask him to. I think that was the most frustrating to me, why do I have to ask him, doesn't he see I need help, but when we talked about it I realized if I want his help I'm going to have to ask and lay out exactly how I want him to do it. It's still hard on us, but defenitely better and I think were learning new ways to handle it even better. Hang in there.

JILL MOM TO
KOURTNEY 3 LBS 1 OZ
KEEGAN 2 LBS 1 OZ
KARVER 1 LB 10 OZ
10/4/08 @ 29 weeks