After 25 years, the last 23 married, my wife walked out the door to work one morning and said "I am going through with the divorce." First I had heard about it, though the signs were there. So, I spent the morning at work thinking about what we would need to discuss -- what is best for our three boys (13 yrs old this month), etc. But later that afternoon I was served with the divorce papers. So much for talking about it.

It has been exactly a month -- and it is a long way to go. The first week was hell -- stress through the roof...mostly from not knowing where to turn, what to do, what was required,etc. It was so bad I was having trouble with my memory and concentration -- I did lose 10 pounds, though. Things eventually started to mellow out a little -- got legal advice, got through my first hearing (looking like a deer in the headlights in court, no doubt) and finally got a lawyer.

Some good friends to ground me and provide support. And my siblings and parents have been great...I am very lucky.

There is some gender-roles reversal involved. My wife is the main salary earner, and I work halftime and have been the primary caregiver (which my wife disputes). I earn enough to cover the mortgage and my job includes very good health insurance for the whole family. Not shabby, not a lot. My wife earns about 4 times my salary (Public health Nurse).

So if a guy who brings home the paycheck, tries to kick out of the house the wife who works part time and raises their triplets, one might think the guy was a bit of an -- well, not a nice person. But how do people think when the gender roles are reversed? Is the guy, forced out of his home, suppose to just suck it up like a man, or are the 13 years of diapers, bottle feedings, making baby food, making school lunches, picking up from school, hours of homework help, helping out with their sport teams, and trip after fun trip to the forests, beaches and rivers, suppose to mean something and have some value?

With my summers off and flexible schedule, does the tens of thousands of dollars I have saved in childcare mean anything? (according to the average childcare costs, the first five years would have been close to $100,000) Does raising my boys instead of paying strangers to do it count for anything? I guess not. What seems to counts more is that I don't work fulltime and bring in more money. What counts is that I never kept the house up to her specifications. It is very frustrating -- frustrating not to be appreciated for what I have put into this family.

It was already frustrating to have to put my career as an artist on the back-burner during the most productive years of an artist's lifespan (40-50)...the boys were born when I was 43. I managed to keep a hand in it and maintain gallery representation and make some headway, but nothing like I am capable of.

So to add insult to injury -- my wife has requested the court to take into consideration my "under-ultilized earning potential" when considering any spousal support -- and thus reducing it (I earned a BS in Natural Resources Mgt 30 years ago and haven't worked in that field for 20 years). And she claims that photography is not my profession, but just a hobby...so I should not be allowed to use a career as an artist as a valid way to earn more money. I work 20 hours a week at a university maintaining the teaching darkroom for the Art Department -- a permanent steady job with full benefits that I started in 1991.

The crazy thing is, my wife pushed me to file taxes as a photography business years ago. I am represented by one of the country's most well know photographic galleries, and am known internationally for the type of work I do. I begun two years ago to give workshops in the process I use -- a process from the 1800's that perhaps only 100 people in the world practice. Yet, to my wife it is just a hobby.

The one good thing about this whole mess is that I will be able to focus more on my photography now. Having the boys halftime, gives me lots more time to make art.

Well, thanks for letting me blow off some steam! I usually post on the Veterans Board, but they have already heard me!LOL! There is so much about all this is so wrong. Just too much to go into. It will be an interesting ride -- that is for sure! Got to find a place to live first -- the court says I have to be out of the house by April first.

Vaughn

Vaughn,

I've looked to you for support in the Father's Forum, and always appreciate what you share. It's invaluable to say the least.

What you've shared about your past month is emotionally moving, as it's so very clear that the situation you are in is nothing you would have ever wished for, asked for, or imagined happening in your home. It's unfair that you are going through this, and I wish there was some way to say or do something that could be helpful. But I know that's not possible..... and only can say that if there was anything at all one could do, I'd really wish to be able to.

What you've done over the past dozen years, just like so many great moms (and many of us dads too), is beyond value. Everything you have experienced with your boys..... from the baby bottles to little league to now young teens..... is worth far more than your wife can ever take away. She wishes to dismantle your life, but she cannot in any way take back or take away the years of heart & soul put into your children's lives. And they will always be close to you, no matter how many hours a day or week they are with you. In fact, being the age they are, they are much closer to having the right to make their own choice as to where they wish to be.... (maybe not legally, but very few courts in the land can stand against a teen's wishes in situations like this).... so they may very well be with you more than half time in the near future.

I cannot for the life of me understand why one person in a marriage suddenly decides to quit.... to want a 'new life' (as if they can ever truly convince anyone other than themselves that it is for the best), and can walk away from everything that they once held dear. Of course there are situations that justify separations (i.e. abusive spouse, infidelity, etc), but I believe in my heart of hearts that you are not responsible for any of these things.... and you are not in any way the one who should be forced to leave your home and find an apartment.... because it's not you seeking the divorce. Unfortunately in this world, equality is often not equality when the genders are reversed.

I'm so very sorry you are facing this, Vaughn. And for your boys as well, because I know this is the last thing on the face of the earth they could have ever imagined happening to them. But if there's anyone that face up to this, regardless of fault or reason (or lack thereof), it is you. My wish and prayer is that your character will continue to stand strong throughout this ordeal, and that in the end you will still be the great friend to many, (myself included), and always the great dad that your kids have always known. That's what's most important.

Rick

BBG - 2 years and counting

Vaughn,

I am sure you don’t remember me, but I used to more actively participate in the Triplet Connection a while back. I am also the proud father of triplet boys age 7 now.

I still visit occasionally the TC and recently ran across your posts related to your divorce process. I wanted to write and send you a heartfelt hug and note expressing my support to you during this difficult time. You have been a very positive influence in the board through all these years and I have personally benefited from your willingness to share your experiences raising triplet boys.

I am really sorry you are going through all this. I wanted to encourage you not to lose yourself in this difficult process. You are a great role model to your sons and an incredible example to other fathers like myself. I hope I can only be as half as successful as you have been building such a strong relationship with your sons. Hard days may come in the near future, but please remember that your soon to be ex-wife is also the mother of your children. You will always be the man whom they look up to and they will remember how you handle yourself through this difficult time.

Keep your head high my friend and be extremely proud of what you have done raising your sons. Money is not what matters, but the quality time you have given them through all these years.

Best,

H

Thanks, guys.

There are always two sides to every story (and as a father of triplets, I know that there are often three sides!) Reading my wife's side of the story, I would probably divorce myself, also. But in the end, it seems to be a story of a person hit by depression and anxiety attacks, who while highly functional, is an unhappy person.

During our counciling sessions it came up that she came from a family that rarely showed affection and was not emotionally close. My family was the opposite. And one of the things that attracted Marianne to me was this ability to be close and the positive spin I tend to put on all aspects of life. I was suppose to make her happy. What a trap to be caught in!

So, buying a house was suppose to make her happy, as was having children, too. Buying a bigger house where she could have a vege garden and a few fruit trees were suppose to make her happy. But when the depression hit hard 8 years ago (and the a build up to it for several years) all these things (and me) could not make her "happy" -- and I became the focus as the "cause" of her unhappiness.

Early on, I would be at home alone with the three boys all day (she would leave for work before the boys woke, and often arrived home at or just after bedtime), changing diapers, and all that stuff. I would try to get the house straighten up the best I could, but when Marianne would come home from work, I would watch her look around until she found something she could critize. Not every time, of course...perhaps 2 out 3 times. The harder I tried, the higher she raised her expectations.

For the past few years I get home from work at about 3:00 and make and eat my lunch. The boys get home from school by 3:30 and begin their marathon afternoon snacking and releasing of energy stored up from a day at school. Marianne gets home at 4:30 to 5:00. Thus, one of her complaints is that the house always looks like a "mess" when she gets home from a hard day at work -- and she can't get relaxed if the house is not neat and tidy and the boys fooling around. So instead of seeing a home filled with happy healthy kids (2 honor students, too), all she sees in a mess.

It would have been easy for me to stop trying as it is very frustrating to be trying and still never satisfy someone. But it now seems that I was just chasing my own tail -- that all of my work and effort to make a good home for her and the boys count for little in her eyes and thoughts...easily discounted.

I can not bring myself to hate her. That would be such an unnatural thing...even as my love for her now becomes a fading thing. I am trying not to pity her either...but that is where I am heading. She claims she is happier now, but I only hear the happiness in her phone voice when she is talking to a friend and insisting she is happier. Perhaps once I am out of the house and this thing gets settled, she'll be happy -- I hope so, but I worry that the boys will become her next "reason" for her unhappiness. She certainly has very little conception of how to deal with teenage boys. Talking down to them and treating them like idiots (which they can be at times), will not make life easy for all of them.

Like I said, it will be an interesting ride. And I have gone on far more than I had intended.

Vaughn

I am so sorry.

G
B
G
G
GGG Aug 2006, 31.5 wks

Vaughn,

I just wish I could reach through my blackberry and hug you! I like many have thoroughly appreciated everything you have ever posted. This is a sucky situation to be in! I also am in that situation which is why I stopped in here tonight.

Your ordeal is just unbelievable! I wish I had 1/16th the father to my children as you are. The things you do with them. Your incredible vacations! Mine can't barely tolerate them.

Please know your not alone. I am about 5 months into my divorce, and as time goes on life is getting better for me, but more dramatic in the divorce sense. I am finally happier then I been In years! But this process proves to be hard, emotionally draining, overwhelming and just plain crap lol

Take care, keep being the best person you can be.

You will get through this, but I can guarantee it will be hard!

Best of luck!

Kelli and my GEM's - age 5 years old

It has been nine months since I posted this news here. And like some strange pregnancy, I have been reborn as a single dad.

As of this morning in court, the divorce is final, but I suppose never really over.

I'll am getting child and spousal support which I need to make a home for the boys for when they are with me. This will stop when the boys graduate from High School. The ex gets the house.

The boys' mom and I are communicating enough to arrange for the boys' needs, but that is about it. She is too upset about having to pay me anything. So it goes.

So - I am at a new beginning place. Not exactly a spring chicken, (56 yrs old), but I am looking forward to the years ahead.

Vaughn and the ABC Boys
Alex, Bryce, & Calder
3-31-97 @ 28.5 weeks

Vaughn,
My divorce was final just a month ago and I completely understand the strangess that goes with it. I am glad you are getting what you need to take care of your boys...I was WAY to nice in my divorce, only to find out that my ex proposed to the woman I suspected he was having an affair with right after the divorce and he bought a motorcycle (He doesn't have a car to transport the kids, but a motorcycle was just what he needed)...

So here's to both of us moving on to better things in the year 2011...

Kimberly,
Mom to Isabelle, Alyssa, and Makenna
www.guinntrips.com

Thank you Kimberly, and the best for you and your girls in 2011!

I hope your ex is still taking being a father seriously -- divorce does not change that.

Vaughn and the ABC Boys
Alex, Bryce, & Calder
3-31-97 @ 28.5 weeks

Until everything came out about the other woman it was hit or miss with him getting the girls (always an excuse, late, etc.) Those who know my family were always shocked by how little he was involved in their care, but now that the other woman is around he is getting them when he is supposed to usually (still late because work was too much the night before, so he needs to sleep.) It is only because he has her to take care of them now...

It sucks...when we got married, he wanted kids right away and I wanted to wait, so we did...and now I am truly glad that we did, because everyone expect him to be this amazing dad and me to struggle...Unfortunately, that did not happen and he could not handle the triplets...It makes me so sad for them, but they still love him like crazy and I do EVERYTHING in my power to make sure that they keep loving him. If they ask to call him, I call. I never say a bad word in front of them about him EVER. I will do anything to protect them from not thinking their daddy is the best. Hopefully, he won't show them the other side himself.

Kimberly,
Mom to Isabelle, Alyssa, and Makenna
www.guinntrips.com