I have debated posting about my situation for a long time but I really need some help. My husband and I have been together for 13 years. Things were ok for the first few years but after that there were many days that were not good. My husband has been verbally and emotionally abusive to me off and on for many years. When he gets upset he blows up instead of talking about it. He goes from 0-60 in seconds. He will yell, curse, and say mean things to me, things that he wouoldn't say to his worst enemy. And he does this in front of the kids. For the past few years I have basically begged him to stop doing this in front of the kids. Even if the kids are visabally shaken from it, he keeps on. These epidsodes occur about a couple times every other week, sometimes more. On top of this, he has not had a job for about two years and has not made much effort to find another. We are a family of 7, living off of a secretaries income. For the past 3 years or so we have basically just been friends. I had decided recently that I wanted a seperation. When I told him, he asks if we could try to work it out. He stopped the yelling but has done it once or twice in the past few weeks. The thing is that I don't think I want to be with him anymore. It was bad for so long that I really feel that the only reason we have been together this long is for the kids.

I have been so against divorcing. I did not want my children to have to go through that. But now I am thinking that them seeing me so unhappy and such an unhappy marriage is worse for them.
He of course, blames me for everything. I know I have faults in this marriage too but I am concerned about the children.

I guess what I am asking is... Do I stick it out so that the kids can have two parents in the household or do I seperate and find myself and my happiness again? This might sound simple to some, but I truly do not know if I should remain with him as "friends." I find myself blaming me for the seperation even though I know he has done his share. I am just afraid of what the future holds if we do or do not stay together.

Any advice would be greatly appreciative, Thank you in advance...

Jill
(29wk triplets)
Julia(8-22-96)
<a href="http://lilypie.com"><img src="" alt="Lilypie 4th Birthday Ticker" border="0" /></a>

<a href="http://lilypie.com"><img src="" alt="Lilypie 6th to

I really understand your situation, Been there done that!!! I know it is hard to seperate but in the long run I think it is better for everyone involved, especially you. I noticed my kids getting upset when my dh would cuss me and I made a choice to stop the pattern of abuse. I didn't want my girls to grow up thinking it is ok to be treated like that. I want them to mirror a strong woman who stands up for herself.

My situation is a little different from yours, as I am a SAHM. I was scared bc there would be a decrease in the standard of living if I left. I would have to work to stay a float. If I was you I would stop enabling him to be a loser jerk. You deserve happiness just as much as the next person. I know how it feels to be verbally abused. You probably feel 2 inches tall, but it sounds like you are the strong one and he is weak. I think you should change the situation for your kids and for yourself. People never change especcially controlling men--they may behave for awhile but you know it won't last long! You have wasted 13 years being miserable. Be strong and show your children a better life. It will be very hard at first but as you get a plan and go for it your self esteem carries you. I feel strong and happy now and it has only been a little over a month. I still have a long road but I welcome it because I am on my own. GL and keep us updated.

Well unless he agrees to counseling I say get out & the sooner the better.

I was in a similar situation many years ago ( before my husband ) and I felt the same things. I was determined not to let my boys grow up without their father. But I was NOT going to let the cycle of abuse continue. It will only be worse for them the longer you stay. They will think that is how relationships should be and I could not live with that.

When I left I got a restraining order and sole custody & he never saw his children again. I did not know what the future would hold either but I did find happinees again and I am so glad everyday that I left.

You can email or PM me anytime. I will be morethan happy to share more.

Take care of you first only then can you be happy.


Lynlee

Mom to

Preston 1/91
Devin 3/92
Michael 4/05



http://tripletsplus3inreallife.blogspot.com/

Jill,

I am sorry you are going through this. I am not divorced, but I am the child of divorced parents and am a licensed counselor. I don't know your exact situation, but want to tell you that the research shows over and over that kids have more long term problems when they stay in households with high parental conflict. It isn't the divorce, per say, that is the deciding factor, it is the conflict. I think divorce is generally not a good thing, and I know it was hard for me as a kid and has impacted my relationships in adulthood. But I also think all marriages shouldn't be saved.

Try to find some truly supportive people who know you and can share some perspective. Tell yourself the truth. And make the best decision you can with all the information you have.

Susanne

gbg @ 31.6
5/2006

Jill-

Not sure what drew me here to this forum today. But I have a message that I'd rather not share on the main forum. If you are interested PM me and I'll respond there. Wishing you all the best....

Amy


Our little hoodlums:
Jacob - 2lb 15oz "Pastafarian"
Noah - 1lb 8 oz "Ut-Oh-ologist"
Samuel - 1lb 15 oz "Meatatarian" It's a commitment
DOB: 8/9/06 at 28+1


www.caringbridge.org/visit/ralstontriplets

It's hard to reply to these posts even thoough I am going through a lot of not so good things right now. It's hard because I don't really want everyone reading about my marital problems. Thinking about the future with little ones can be very scary.

Sarita mother to bbg
born 35w 1d on 3/24/08



Triple the cake triple the fun our little triplets are turning one!

I also debated for a long time whether or not to give out personal information. However, I figured that since this is what this forum is for and I have no one to talk to about this and I want to here what others think. So I went for it. I COMPLETELY understand since I too was hesitant. I do understand though and I thank you for what you did say. Good luck!

Jill
(29wk triplets)
Julia(8-22-96)
<a href="http://lilypie.com"><img src="" alt="Lilypie 4th Birthday Ticker" border="0" /></a>

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I am sorry you are having to go through this difficult time. I wish you the best for you and your KIDS. Your a strong woman or you wouldn't have been able to share your story here with us. Verbal abuse is a lot more common than people want to admit and it can be devasting to children. I know first hand; I was a victim of it as a child! Hang in there!

Debbie
33wks GBG
1/25/08

Jill,

This is the toughest decision you will ever make (as if you didn't already know that). I will praying that you make the best one for you and your kids. I left the same sort of situation with my first husband. It sounds like your husband is going back to his old ways now that he thinks you will stick around. The problem is abuse rarely gets better and usually gets worse. I agree with the pp about not wanting your kids to think it is ok treat people the way your husband is treating you. I also know how hard it is for the kids to deal with the divorce. My younger son has done great (he was 12 months) my older son has always had issues. Time does heal and counseling helped my son but it took so many before we actually got one who got to the core of the issue. I also have a stepson from my husbands previous marriage who had a hard time dealing with the new family. He is now 15 and doing much better. I guess I'm saying all this to say, it is a long hard road, but there is life after a divorce, even for the kids.
It sounds like you are already supporting your kids on your own.
I am so sorry that you are going through this and wish there was a way I could help.

Angie,

Thank you very much for your post. Since posting my original post,
I did move out of the home we shared and into a condo in July.
I have my kids Monday thru Friday evening and their dad has them every weekend since I work the weekend shift at the hospital here.
The kids are adjusting and I don't regret my decision at all. My ex and I actually have a great friendship now that we have split. We hang out with the kids together, he comes over sometimes to help me,
and we don't fight like we used to. I'm very surprised but glad that it happened this way. The kids are in counseling and we are dealing w/ some behavior issues but they had issues before I moved. Anyways,
thanks to everyone who posted the kind words.

Jill
(29wk triplets)
Julia(8-22-96)
<a href="http://lilypie.com"><img src="" alt="Lilypie 4th Birthday Ticker" border="0" /></a>

<a href="http://lilypie.com"><img src="" alt="Lilypie 6th to

Thanks for the reply Jill! I'd never looked at this part of the forum and didn't even look at the date!
But I am so so happy that you are doing so much better! I have been thinking about you so much today. Like I said, I've been there so felt for you and your kids. My ex and I will never get along, I'm trying to not let hate get in the way of my enjoyment of life. Most of the time I can just roll with it, but when it hurts the kids....

Thanks for the update and what great news!